Almost every day, if not the media, then social networks tell us about someone’s grief. It is difficult to abstract from this information. But it seems to be necessary to continue to live?
Typical day. Ordinary morning. Shower. Meditation. Breakfast. Mail. Facebook… (an extremist organization banned in Russia)
By the way, among the announcements, advertisements, birthdays, apartment rentals and fundraising, I saw these terrible photos of dead people in Odessa*. My eyes stuck, I looked and looked, and could not stop. I squeezed my throat, the pain got stuck, I grabbed air like a fish and swallowed coffee.
The network that day turned for me into a German atlas of forensic medicine, which as a child stood on my mother’s shelf, she worked as a forensic pathologist. I secretly looked at death and could not tear myself away …
Today the sensations were 100 times stronger. It was happening right now, and not in Germany, but much closer, and the details burned the imagination. I fell out of my normal life. It was completely unclear what to do next, how to now chat on the phone, post all sorts of nonsense on social networks, and do the usual routine actions.
I turned off the feeds of «friends» who are actively fighting in the information war a long time ago, because I can not stand chauvinism of any kind, left, right, blue, red or brown. For the majority of those who remained (usually for myself as well), any tragedy turned into a negative hallucination — they either did not see it, or did not want to see it.
I came across vivid photos of happy friends traveling through Southeast Asia. Somewhere another life flowed, joyful and calm, filled with happiness and love. For some reason, I became angry with them, my brain helpfully endowed my friends with indifference, emptiness and frivolity … I was both angry and envious, I wanted to run away, hide somewhere.
- Are we sick of the news?
What if I were there right now? Far away, where the blue sea, mountains, clear skies and pagodas are everywhere, would I also be included in all the horrors of Facebook? (an extremist organization banned in Russia) Or would they blur into the background? Or maybe I would just turn off my gadgets and finally remain in blissful silence?
But after all, 20 minutes ago I felt good and calm, when I knew nothing and seemed to be in balance. Why did this information knock me out of the saddle? What happened, why did I suddenly get emotionally stuck in this hell? How to empathize without getting involved yourself?
Suddenly I remembered that I was a psychotherapist. And that in my office I constantly encounter this problem, and that dozens of books and hundreds of articles have been written about it. Perhaps the same laws operate in the information field as in psychotherapy.
Freud first mentioned empathy in 1905 in Wit and its Relation to the Unconscious. He wrote: «We take into account the mental state of the patient, put ourselves in this state and try to understand it by comparing it with our own.» That is, the therapist uses his soul as a tuning fork to assess the client’s condition. At the same time, it is important not only to understand the patient’s feelings with the head, but also to experience them to a certain extent. It is advisable to do this absolutely sincerely, as clients instantly feel the slightest falseness and cease to trust.
And in empathic penetration there is a line that should never be crossed. There is a high risk of getting involved in the client’s world, losing objectivity, starting to misinterpret information, building a therapy named after Prince Myshkin — out of a desire to «save» the client. And that’s bad therapy. Therefore, for example, in the statistics of average life expectancy, helping professions: doctors, teachers, psychologists, lawyers, social workers, live about 10 years less than others (if they do not protect themselves).
A good therapist always balances on the edge. Staying with the client, at the same time he does not become emotionally involved, he is nearby, but not inside, like a good navigator, he studies the map and shows the way, but does not drive.
- Psychology of the crowd and behavior in the crowd: how can we protect ourselves?
Why didn’t this knowledge alone help me in the story of Odessa?
My main psychotherapeutic «kioscos» (fiasco — in the terminology of one of my teachers) occurred when I seriously believed that I could influence a person, influence him, cure him. Most often, when patients “succumbed” to my primitive manipulations. The ego swelled with delight and own power. I am the ruler of the world, the master of feelings, the arbiter of destinies, I know exactly what and how to do.
Only much later, with experience, came the awareness of the therapist’s own limits and capabilities. And, as a result, unconditional surrender and renunciation of omnipotence. Yes, I can help, but not for everyone and not always. I can be a guide, a stalker, but not a wizard and not a god. And it’s not me who is flying, but someone else, as if some other force, energy, is acting through me. The Chinese call it qi. And if so, then it means that my job is simply to be honest, to be where I can be most useful and effective.
And if I begin to depend on external influences and experience strong emotions, it means that something is wrong in my own household, which means that the balance is imaginary and I again pull the blanket and know what and how should happen in this world, I begin to manage it. And I know how clients, rulers, nations, military, demonstrators, police should behave. In other words, I know how the world should be. And the world knows nothing about this and willfully continues to live its own life, and for some reason I am very upset because of this. Brad of pure water.
A simple thought came: you need to let the world exist, and you yourself continue to do business. Direct your forces to where they are most needed. And empathize with people, but consciously and without hysteria.
It immediately became quiet and calm. And then my son called, asked for help in making a mount for the long board, which I gave him for his birthday. I thought that this is what a loving father should do, this is real, and I went with delight.
We went for a ride, and now, showing my son some tricks, surreptitiously catching his approving glances, I suddenly accidentally pushed the board onto the pavement, and a second later a Zhiguli car ran over him. Crunch, and in half …
So I think: perhaps you need to write something about the feeling of guilt?
*On May 2, in Odessa, 46 people died in a fire in the House of Trade Unions, more than 200 were injured. The fire broke out during clashes between the participants of the march “For a United Ukraine” and pro-Russian activists.”