Psychologist David Caruso believes that the ability to understand our own and other people’s moods and manage them makes life easier for us at work and just life. We asked him how to make practical use of emotions. Visual demonstration.
Emotion recognition helps to communicate or identify the perpetrator, as we know from the Lie to Me! series. But the main thing is not just to read emotions, but to understand what to do next with this information, right? For example, I see that a colleague is upset or not focused on work, what should I do?
David Caruso: You still need to start with reliable data. For example, I think that a colleague is angry with me, and I try to deal with his anger. But what if I misidentified his emotion, what if it’s not anger? Maybe he’s just tired or sad? To get a qualitative baseline, we ask, «Where are you right now on the energy scale from 1 to 10 and on the pleasure scale from 1 to 10?» It turns out «mood meter». Where are you now?
I think about 3 on the energy scale and 8 on the pleasure scale.
D.K.: Great, this is the first step. Further, as you noticed, the following are needed. I will say right away that low energy levels and high levels of pleasure are good for interviews. In this mood, we tend to reflect and introspect, receptive to what we are told. We teach clients that every mood is valuable and can be adapted to the situation. The “high energy, little pleasure” state, where anxiety and anger are located, can also be helpful. So the first step is to find out where you are.
“We know that anger can be useful, it arises from a sense of injustice, it motivates us”
So, what is next? What does it matter?
D.K.: This is the second step: to understand if your mood is right for your tasks. For example, it is good for an interview if you are in such a mood as now. Then comes the third step: why do you feel this way? Where did you get this state? How and depending on what will your emotions change? And finally, the fourth step is the management of emotions, your own and the other person. For example, I can ask you why you have little energy, and you answer me, let’s say that you didn’t sleep much today.
Actually, it is.
D.K.: Yes, a lot of people complain about it. Next, I have to think about what I can do for my part so that you are involved in a conversation with me, focused on it. In fact, this is what emotional intelligence is all about. Let’s take another situation: you tell me that your employee, boss or client is now energetic and feeling a lot of displeasure. We know that anger can be useful, it arises from a sense of injustice, it motivates us, but not in this case. How then can I deal with my anxiety about having an angry client in front of me? What can I say to change his emotions? I can do this with intonation and a low tone of voice: “I see you are having a tough time right now, do you still want to have this meeting?” So you can slightly «shift» the mood of the interlocutor.
Is there a danger that those whom you have trained will manipulate other people’s feelings, use them for their own purposes?
D.K.: This issue also worries us. However, our data show that emotionally intelligent (EI) leaders tend to create positive work environments. They are more receptive to the needs of others. Because if I feel your pain, I won’t use my EI to hurt you. Moreover, I will do my best to make your life a little better. I will sympathize with you, I will try to reduce your anxiety, soften your anger. Can someone use these skills maliciously? Certainly! But we don’t see this happening often. Empathy is a kind of safety valve: I won’t knowingly hurt you, if only because I don’t want to feel that pain. Another thing is that we will not develop EI in you until we are convinced that you really know how to manage your emotions. Otherwise, when we teach you to feel and understand the emotions of other people, they can overwhelm you. This is how stress and what is called “compassion fatigue” arise: if you work as a doctor, a nurse and feel all other people’s emotions as your own, you will burn out pretty quickly.
Thank you very much for this interview!
D.K.: You know, I really want you to feel happy when you prepare this text.
For this I need more energy…
D.K.: Exactly! So take a deep breath, go for a walk, say to yourself, “This is so cool! All these diverse ways to use emotional intelligence: at school, at work, for parents!” And you will feel joy. And then, when you edit this article before it goes to print, I would like you to feel a little sad: it is sad people who are better at checking facts, seeing grammatical errors … So our theory has a lot of practical meaning. Thanks and good luck!