Contents
An open, trusting relationship with a child is what many modern parents strive for. But where is the line beyond which intimacy becomes unhealthy and prevents children from developing?
It is necessary to immediately clarify: emotional incest and sexual incest are two different things. With emotional (hidden) incest, personal boundaries are blurred between a child and an adult. This happens when a parent builds relationships with a child as with a partner — for example, seeks emotional support from him, makes him his adviser, protector.
Everything is turned upside down: not the adult is responsible for the child, but the child for the adult. From a psychological point of view, this is a very unfavorable option, and its consequences can be similar to the consequences of sexual incest, although to a lesser extent.
Problems with personal boundaries, eating disorders, self-harm, unhealthy relationships, sexual problems, alcoholism and drug addiction are all typical reactions to emotional incest. The fact that a child who grew up in such conditions has already matured and left the parental home does not mean that the problems have disappeared. In fact, some of the effects described above begin to appear only in adulthood.
Here are typical situations that testify to emotional incest.
1. The child is consulted on non-childish issues.
Problems between partners, sexual life are topics that can only be discussed with adults, but not with children. Telling a child about the difficulties that arise in the relationship of parents and other adults is to blur the boundaries.
An adult should not rely on a child to help him cope with love or social problems. If the parent consults with him on such issues, he thereby imperceptibly shifts responsibility to him and they, in fact, change roles.
2. The child satisfies the «narcissistic hunger» of the parent
Sometimes the child is encouraged and encouraged to praise the parent or their actions. This can happen both in private and in public so that other adults can hear everything. An adult needs to feed a sense of self-importance so much that for this the child is relegated to the background.
3. There is a «best friend syndrome»
If parent and child are best friends, it’s likely they have boundary issues. Discipline, exactingness, personal responsibility — all these important tools of education are under threat. By initiating a child into adult problems to which he has not yet matured personally, the parent violates the natural logic of his development, pulls him out of the world of childhood and pushes him into the adult world ahead of time.
4. The child plays the role of «therapist»
If a child has to resolve a family crisis, settle the conflict of adults, this prevents him from building contacts with peers and undergoing natural socialization. Perhaps later, in adulthood, it will be natural for him to satisfy the emotional needs of other people — but not his own.
In some cases, such adults fail to build strong love relationships; the need for crises is so strong in them that it takes precedence over the craving for stability.
Causes and Effects
Most often, loneliness pushes an adult to emotional incest. For example, a parent who has recently divorced may be acutely aware of the absence of a partner. And if the child resembles him in some way, the likelihood of emotional incest increases.
It can be difficult for the child himself to understand that something is wrong in the relationship. Psychological abuse, unlike physical or sexual abuse, is not obvious. It would seem, why is it bad that a parent is the best friend of his child? The child may even like it and flatter it.
The child must be directed, accustomed to discipline, orderliness. Without this, it will be difficult for him to live in society.
Most likely, he will notice that in other families the situation is different, but the intoxicating sense of his own adulthood will outweigh doubts. He may feel useful or powerful in helping the parent navigate adulthood. This makes it difficult for the child to ask for help and support.
If you had an emotional incest relationship with your parents as a child, chances are you weren’t taken care of properly. The child must be directed, accustomed to discipline, orderliness. Without such education, it will be difficult for him to live in society.
Patricia Love, author of The Emotional Incest Syndrome, writes: “How I regret that at the very beginning of my journey no one told me what I will tell you now: it is possible to get rid of your pain. When you become aware of all your repressed feelings, you will experience a relief and inspiration that you have not experienced since your earliest childhood.