Films like to show external and internal conflicts caused by blackmail. The villain forces the victim to comply, threatening physical violence against loved ones if she does not comply. But when it’s not about life and death, it can still be dangerous. We understand what emotional blackmail is based on and how to deal with it.
When the last child grew up and left for college, Janet realized that she no longer wanted to stay married. For too long, she maintained the image of an ideal family. It took her several years to “ripen” to a decision. But now she was ready for the next phase of her life. The emotional, psychological, verbal and financial pressure that she had to endure could not but affect her, and although she no longer had to suffer every day, she categorically did not want to continue living like this.
Of course, she offered her husband to seek help from a specialist, but he refused. Instead, he only increased the emotional pressure on her and, in addition, began to blackmail. She was used to insults (verbal pressure), denial of her perception of reality (mental pressure), and attempts to interfere with her career (financial pressure) and knew how to counter it. But the emotional blackmail turned out to be more intense and more painful.
What is blackmail?
To fully appreciate its impact, Janet would do well to recall examples of blackmail from everyday life. For example, at school, one boy demands from another: “If you don’t say that I’m the coolest, you’ll get it!” Or in the office, one colleague extorts money from another, threatening otherwise to reveal some personal secret that he knows. In both cases, it threatens to cause obvious harm.
What is emotional blackmail?
It has features. The threat in this case is not obvious, but emotional. Psychologists Susan Forward and Diane Fraser have determined that the blackmailer most often manipulates the victim’s three emotions: fear, duty, and guilt. And since there is no obvious threat, he can very easily deny the fact of the threat.
Janet’s husband enforced the demands by pressing on her fears, her sense of duty to her family, and her feelings of guilt. At first, she, without realizing it, obeyed the requirements, trying to be perfect in order to avoid negative emotions. Often this turns into a vicious circle: seeing that the pressure is working, the blackmailer begins to demand more and more.
Fear. Having lived together for many years, Janet’s husband knew exactly his wife’s weaknesses and fears. We are not talking about obvious phobias like the fear of spiders or heights. The blackmailer presses on the deepest fears: loneliness, humiliation, failure. Each of us is subject to them to varying degrees — what one person does not even perceive as a threat will make another freeze in horror.
Janet was particularly susceptible to the fear of failure. Her husband threatened to tell her boss how she was fired years ago if she didn’t stop hanging out with friends he didn’t like. Blackmailers often threaten to abandon the victim, isolate, make a mockery of her relatives, tell everyone about her failures.
Call of Duty. Janet’s husband was an alcoholic and acted like a typical addict. Addicts need some kind of justification, and they shift the responsibility onto others, put pressure on a sense of duty.
The hardest thing is to stop being a victim, learn to ignore the blackmailer’s remarks
Janet, who indulged her husband’s vice, constantly fell into this trap, hoping that if she fulfilled his requests, he would stop drinking. But he did not stop, and the situation only worsened. Here are a couple of examples: “If you kick me out of the house, I will drink even more, and the children will blame you for this”, “If you do not take the blame for my being late (to an important meeting), I will lose my job, and then we we will lose our home”, “I will not drink if you do not refuse sex.”
Guilt. Janet felt guilty for some of her husband’s troubles. Often the blackmailer only indirectly hints at guilt and does not demand something explicitly. For example: “You always piss me off”, “Because of you, I feel abandoned (lonely, unloved)”, “I would like your worries!”. These phrases made Janet feel guilty for the pain she supposedly caused her husband.
In order not to succumb to emotional blackmail, you need to understand its mechanism. Then comes the most difficult thing — to stop being a victim, to learn to ignore comments, to refuse to obey the requirements. Janet decided enough was enough and left. If you suspect that you have become a victim, but are not completely sure, consult a psychologist. Be prepared to make difficult decisions.
Source: pro.psychcentral.com