Emotional blackmail is one of the ways of psycho-manipulation, aimed at achieving some important goal for a given person, which, in their opinion, cannot be achieved in any other way. Emotional blackmail is used by children, by parents, friends, acquaintances and by partners. If we succumb to it and fulfill what the person using this method wants to receive from us, he or she may find this way of forcing benefits and specific behaviors to be extremely effective and treat us notoriously in this way, thus perpetuating erroneous patterns of behavior.
What is emotional blackmail and how is it manifested?
Emotional blackmail is one of the forms of manipulation, calculated to force someone to behave as expected. It is most often used with the closest people, i.e. those who have emotional relationships. This is a prerequisite for the success of emotional blackmail – if we do not care about someone and are not emotionally attached to them, it is almost certain that we will not succumb to an emotional blackmail attempt, rather we will end the relationship with such person. On the other hand, if this form of manipulation is used by our child, parent or partner, we may succumb to such blackmail with a high degree of probability, often even unconsciously.
Emotional blackmail is a situation that involves two people: the blackmailer and the blackmailed person. Both people must actively participate in this situation – you cannot emotionally blackmail someone who remains indifferent and refuses to “cooperate”. The blackmailer usually has an unshakable certainty that his manipulation will meet with an emotional response.
Emotional blackmail is a fairly simple trick. The person using emotional blackmail sends a camouflaged message to the blackmailed person, which includes information about their expectations and a message that if they are not met, something terrible will happen (in a relationship, in life). This message is intended to evoke in the blackmailed person a sense of duty, guilt if he does not want to meet the expectations directed towards him, and fear related to, for example, the threat of leaving or being offended by the person using emotional blackmail. Most often, a message that is in fact emotional blackmail takes the form of a conditional sentence, such as “If you loved me, we would go on this dream vacation” or “If you care about me, you will do what I expect”. The rule is simple: the victim of emotional blackmail is to act as the emotional blackmailer wants. If he doesn’t, he will be either to blame for the relationship problems or to end the relationship.
Most people who use this type of blackmail do not consciously do so. However, there are those who deliberately use the emotional commitment of the other party to achieve their goals. In both cases, it is worth considering the given relationship and the way in which we communicate with our loved ones.
What are the reasons for using emotional blackmail?
Simply put, the reason for using emotional blackmail is the desire to achieve a goal, i.e. forcing the other person to behave in a way that will help achieve this goal or is an end in itself. For example, you can blackmail someone that if they do not stay with us at the moment, we will be sad and, for example, fall ill. This type of emotional blackmail is often used by elderly parents against their adult children, but also by young children against their parents. The parent / child feels guilty and stays against themselves and against the fact that they have some other obligations. This leads to anger, resentment and frustration, adversely affecting the relationship.
Often times, a person resorting to emotional blackmail feels a fear of abandonment and a fear of loneliness. She wants to be close to someone, but it seems to her that she can only achieve this by manipulating that person’s emotions.
Emotional blackmail can take many forms, but most often it evokes a feeling of guilt (“if you don’t do it, I’ll probably break down”), emphasizes the importance of an obligation towards a given person (for example, reciprocating a favor or duty to care), sometimes it takes the form of temptation with some form of reward if expectations will be met. The person blackmailed in this way may think that they are gaining something, when in fact they only meet the expectations of the blackmailer.
How Can I Deal With Emotional Blackmail?
The best way to deal with emotional blackmail is to be assertive. It consists in the fact that we are able to politely but firmly refuse the demands made to us and defend our borders, i.e. we do not succumb to emotional blackmail. It requires raising one’s self-esteem, getting rid of the need to be accepted by others at all costs, getting rid of the fear of being abandoned if we fail to meet someone’s expectations, and developing the ability to make independent decisions. It also requires being willing to talk honestly with the person using emotional blackmail.