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We succumb to the tricks of manipulators to the detriment of ourselves and our interests. How to learn to resist emotional blackmail?
When meeting with such people, we seem to lose willpower … And then we reproach ourselves for the weakness shown. Manipulators get their way because they force us to follow our emotions rather than our reason. But it is in our power to learn to recognize manipulations in communication and to master the mechanisms of psychological defense against them.
“Do you want to spend this weekend together? Have you lost interest in me?” This reproach is not so easy to answer. Instead of calmly explaining the reason for our decision (important business matters, just a desire to be alone), we begin to passionately prove to our other half how much we love her. This means that the manipulation was successful.
Caught in the trap of the manipulator, we lose the ability to respond adequately. The desire to use others for their own purposes appears in everyone from time to time. Most of the time we do it unconsciously. What for? If we feel that we are unable to influence the situation in a “legal” way, we cannot put up with the behavior of others, or we simply want attention to ourselves. The ideal ways to do this are to make the other feel guilty for our troubles, to make him or her our debtor, or simply to make it clear how badly, ugly he is doing.
Eternal sacrifice
Imagine the situation: you are planning a wedding. Modest, without magnificent ceremonies and feasts. But your mother is unhappy. How can you deprive relatives of the holiday, the opportunity to congratulate you. Especially since you haven’t been together for a long time. “Family is sacred.” This is a classic case of manipulation. There is an implicit threat at work here: “If you don’t come, you will disappoint everyone.” Mom becomes a “victim” to force others to behave the way she wants.
fake gift
In this case, the manipulator uses the principle of reciprocity for its own purposes. “When he gives a gift (provides a service), he tries his best to let the recipient know that he is now indebted to him. The hidden message is this: I gave you this – so you have to repay me with something. The problem is that the “giver” reserves the right to choose when and how the “recipient” should return the debt to him,” explains psychologist Isabelle Nazare-Aga.
For example, having noticed a colleague’s mistake, the manipulator does not report this to the management. But in a private conversation, he tries to hint that he saved him from serious trouble: “Can you imagine what would happen if the general found out about this?” Later it turns out that the “savior” did not act out of a disinterested desire to help…
Manipulator types according to Susan Forward:
Executioner. He threatens you with trouble (“If you leave me, you will never see your children again”).
Voluntary sacrifice. He promises to hurt himself if you refuse to do what he wants (“If you leave me, I’ll kill myself”).
Martyr. He is trying to make you responsible for your suffering (“Look what you have done to your mother!”).
Dealer in false hopes. He promises you big benefits in exchange for help, support (“If you share with me, you will get a huge profit”).
Imaginary values
Why is it so difficult for those who are emotionally blackmailed to respond soberly and intelligently? “Because the manipulator plays on the stable ideas that society and family dictate to us in order to create a sense of moral inferiority in the victim,” writes Isabelle Nazare-Aga. Typical examples of such ideas are: children are indebted to their parents (after all, they gave them life, took care of them, spent time, money, and effort on them); friends are known (only) in trouble; modesty adorns a person (which means that you don’t need to ask for a raise and a raise) …
“The guilt that the manipulator instills in the victim jeopardizes their positive self-esteem,” writes psychotherapist Susan Forward. – Neglect, selfishness, injustice, betrayal – all these are sensitive points to which we react especially sharply. Often just a hint is enough. This technique is used by patients who only have to hint about their helplessness, so that others satisfy their every whim.
How to neutralize a manipulator
So, you noticed that in a conversation the interlocutor touched you with something. Listen to yourself. What thoughts come to your mind? “I’m selfish, I’m ungrateful, I’m not up to par, I’m not worth anything…” Distract from the specific situation. Ask yourself: “Am I really selfish? After all, I did a lot for her in the past … ”Or:“ Am I really that bad? Here are things that say otherwise…” A common manipulator tactic is to seize on a particular fact and present it as an example of the typical behavior of the interlocutor.
Determine your share of responsibility: “Does the problem he is talking about exist independently of me, or am I involved in it?” The manipulator seeks to blur boundaries and confuse their own expectations with your obligations. Ask yourself the question: “To what extent can I grant his request without harming my own interests?” Once you have set these limits for yourself, you can make a clear decision. Your further behavior comes down to two strategies: counter-manipulation and confrontation.
Learn to parry
Don’t try to make excuses. This will only further weaken your position. “On the contrary,” Isabelle Nazare-Aga suggests, “keep calm, even if you are very worried in your soul!” In a calm tone, indicate your position using the phrases: “This is only your opinion”, “I have a different point of view”, “Tastes do not argue!”, “Yes, I do not act like others.” Your goal is to protect yourself without reacting to the interlocutor’s provocations.
Decide on a confrontation
It is about forcing the manipulator to reveal their true intentions, to talk about their own desires, and not about abstract values and obligations. Remember that in this case you must be ready to reconsider the principles on which your relationship with the interlocutor is built.
To resist manipulation, you need to give up the ideal image of yourself.
For example: you have a wife and small children, and at the same time you are fond of football, horseback riding or tennis. Unfortunately, every time you are going to devote time to your hobby, your wife reproaches you: “Are you leaving me alone with the children? Imagine yourself in my place!” “There is an indirect request in these claims,” notes Jacques Salomé, author of Don’t Live on the Planet of Silence.
So, you need to help the other express their desires directly: “When you have fun without me, I feel abandoned, unloved.” Then you will be able to build the foundations of your relationship in a new way. “Should I give up my passion to prove my love for you? Is not the happiness of everyone a pledge of mutual love? After that, you can discuss the time you spend together and apart, the division of responsibilities and other things.”
In order to successfully resist manipulation, you need to accept the role of a “bad girl”, “selfish husband”, “uncomfortable colleague” … That is, to abandon the ideal image of yourself. You will come to this as soon as you realize your own value. It really works. You may not be “nice” and “nice” in the eyes of a manipulator, but by freeing yourself from the pressure of external evaluations, you will gain much more – the freedom to be yourself.
Trolling – manipulations in virtual communication
Perhaps the “youngest” type of emotional blackmail today is network trolling. “Trolls” are usually called those who, in online correspondence, try to provoke the interlocutor, cause a fierce discussion or even a scandal. As a rule, “trolls” find a way to protect themselves from the possible consequences of their actions. For example, they remain anonymous or act under false names. The best way to protect against them is not to react. After all, it is on her that the troll hopes. By ignoring the actions of the troll, you deprive him of “food”. The regulars of the forums even had an expression calling for an end to the senseless squabble that was unleashed by someone’s caustic post or comment: “Don’t feed the troll.”