Emotional balance: 6 ways to achieve it

On holidays and birthdays, we are usually wished for health — first of all, physical. But emotional health is inseparable from our physical condition and is necessary in order to live with pleasure, achieve what we want and feel stable. Based on her professional experience, psychotherapist Hilary Handel offers clear and fully implementable recommendations that will help maintain and strengthen emotional balance.

1. Basic self care

If a car needs the right parts and the right fuel to run properly, then we humans need to eat well, exercise, get adequate rest, and not poison our minds and bodies.

The key to positive change is setting achievable goals, says Dr. Handel. If lifestyle changes have been too hard for us in the past, we may have put too much pressure on ourselves. The expert suggests starting with one small and not too difficult change.

For example, during the week you can add fresh vegetables to the lunch and dinner menu. Or after dinner, get out with the whole family for a walk around the area. This will facilitate communication with loved ones, and provide us with a little physical activity. For a healthier sleep, you can get into the habit of reading a book in the evening, rather than hanging out on your smartphone.

You can think about what makes you proud of yourself and try taking small steps in that direction. Experiment, try different options, and if something doesn’t work out, treat yourself kindly.

“If you are used to drinking alcohol, junk food, playing video games or hanging out on your smartphone, start exercising moderation,” adds Hilary Handel. All these activities can be a way to «seize» unpleasant emotions. People often console themselves with the fact that in fact it does not bring any benefit to health, and in the long run does harm at all. Try to calm your body and mind in healthier ways.

Intention, courage, and knowledge are the beginnings of every new habit we make.

2. Emotional literacy

It helps build self-confidence and stay calm longer. Ask yourself if you know:

• … the difference between thoughts and emotions?
• … that you have no control over the very fact of having emotions, but are able to choose how to deal with them once they have already arisen?
• … that the suppression of basic emotions leads to anxiety?
• … how do emotions make you move?
• … that depression is often caused by anger towards another person, which turns against us?
• … that shame is an emotion that we all suffer from?
• … what is healthy shame that keeps us civilized, and what is toxic shame?
• …that the brain can change and heal throughout life, from the day we are born until we die?

Alas, in schools and institutes we are not yet taught about emotions and how they affect our body and mind, they do not teach specific skills that help maintain emotional stability and health. In this matter, we are on our own. Even worse, we are subject to myths and misinformation.

Therefore, we must take responsibility for emotional education, says Dr. Handel. All of us, including men. “I know that emotions are scary,” she addresses the representatives of the strong half of humanity. “Society has taught you that emotions should be discarded as something unmanly. We do not want to learn more about emotions because of social myths and prejudices, but it is education in this area that will help us eradicate lies and ignorance.

As we gain more information, we learn the skills to prevent, reduce, and even eliminate anxiety and depression. With emotional education, we grow up to comprehend our true selves, including what we consider our shortcomings. When we learn to recognize emotions, bodily health also improves — research shows that many physical conditions are caused by suppressed, unconscious emotions.

You don’t need to change anything in yourself right now — you just need to study: for example, listen to a podcast or audiobooks about emotional health while driving to work. Change will begin as soon as we can better understand our emotions.

4. Practice grounding and breathing

Hilary Godel recalls how, in her youth, she herself was annoyed when others advised her to breathe in order to calm down in moments of excitement. She didn’t understand grounding and mindful breathing and felt stupid if she tried to follow the advice. Everything seemed too simple to be effective.

Many years later, after becoming a psychotherapist, she understood why grounding and breathing are so important for emotional health. When we breathe from the diaphragm, we take deep breaths and fill our belly with air. This puts pressure on the vagus nerve, which connects to the heart and other organs. Thus, by “massaging” this nerve with deep belly breathing, we switch to a more relaxed and open state.

“Now I am 56 years old and I know that breathing and grounding is the key to emotional health and well-being. This is where I start most sessions. Better late than never — and I’m living proof of that, ”comments the psychotherapist.

4. Practice self-knowledge from a position of compassion and kindness to yourself

Self-discovery is endlessly exciting, unless fear gets in the way. It happens that we are afraid to look into our inner world. But fear always wants to tell us something, and our task is to listen to it with respect, recognizing its right to exist. In no case should you condemn yourself for fear or any other thoughts and emotions. The main thing is not to do anything that harms us and others, reminds Handel. But criticism of emotions is deconstructive for us.

An emotional expert recommends looking for new ways and opportunities to interact with your inner world. All that contributes to change for the better. We cannot become aware of our experiences, impulses, and fantasies if we judge them strictly. Looking inward requires curiosity and compassion. The kinder and more patient you are with yourself, the better you will feel, which means you will begin to expect a better attitude from other people too. And, finally, you will feel compassion for others, ”writes Hilary Handel.

5. Naming emotions

“Learn to simply name the emotions that you are experiencing at the moment,” Handel recommends. In the fMRI study Putting Feelings into Words, participants looked at photographs of people experiencing different emotions. It turned out that when viewed, the amygdala, the “emotional brain,” reacted in the subjects.

When participants were asked to name what the person in the photo was experiencing, the emotional activity of their amygdala decreased as a result of the activation of another part of the brain responsible for inhibition (calming). In other words, consciously recognizing emotions and trying to put them into words calmed brain activity.

6. Find healthy ways to feel better

If you set out to become more balanced and calm, you can try any of the methods proposed by Dr. Handel, or look for other ways of appeasement — if only they proved to be effective. For a month of regular repetitions, you can feel the effect of the practice. If it works, then it’s worth continuing. If not, it doesn’t matter either, you can try another one.

Hilary Handel’s personal recommendations:

• Create all the conditions for a comfortable start to the day. “For example, I am an owl. Now that my kids are grown, I allow myself to have coffee in bed an hour or two before getting up and doing chores.”
• Start your day with grounding and breathing exercises. If necessary, repeat them two more times during the day. Slowing down for short periods can increase your productivity.
• Gather your courage, risk embarrassment, and share something emotional with someone who is kind to you. Speak from yourself, sincerely, without trying to correct anything. It’s amazing how openly talking about our feelings with someone who listens with compassion transforms negative emotions into something much more pleasant.
• Create a group for communication, by age or by interests. For example, a book club to talk about books and life.
• At the end of each day, do your own soothing ritual. Take a hot bath, drink tea, stretch to the music. This can be done with children.

• Start keeping a gratitude journal—studies have shown time and time again that this practice helps. Every day, write down three things for which you feel grateful today. You can write on a new sheet every day and throw them in the “thank you” box.
• Cook a new healthy meal every week.
• Write anything within 5 minutes by hand on paper, without editing or judging yourself for what you get.
• Talk to your «future self» from time to time, making sure that you are moving towards your goals.
• With a partner or on your own, read articles and books about emotions, injury recovery, relationships, and communication.
• Add your own practice.

Each new day gives us an opportunity for change, although it is extremely difficult to change the established way of life. Just now, Dr. Handel admits, she challenged herself and went on a diet. For 30 days, she will have to eat only natural products and not drink alcohol.

“This is the second time I have been doing this terrible experiment on myself. No more alcohol and favorite foods. I am afraid of the feeling of deprivation and I am worried: will I be able to show willpower and lose a few kilograms? However, I intend to draw on this feeling and meditate on it, without indulging my desire to indulge in gluttony.

When we succeed in being consistent and challenging ourselves to change our lives and well-being for the better, we look back with a special feeling. It is pride in what we have overcome and joy in change.

About the Expert: Hilary Jacobs Handel is a psychoanalyst and author of Not Necessarily Depression. How the triangle of change helps you hear your body, open your emotions, and reconnect with your true self.