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Being yourself is certainly important, but wisdom is needed in a relationship. We need to learn to think strategically. The manner of rashly expressing everything that we think and feel harms ourselves and, moreover, does not help to achieve mutual understanding with others.
How many times have we had to regret the words blurted out in a fit of anger, but it is not always possible to control our thoughts and feelings. Meanwhile, one harsh phrase is enough to destroy friendship and love, says Holly Brown, a family psychologist and author of How Far She Will Go, Don’t Look For Me.
Yes, it is not so easy to hold back, and in the end everything ends with mutual discontent and indignation. What to do? To look for a middle ground between the desire to defend one’s innocence and the ability to hold one’s tongue — at least for a while.
Be honest with yourself
Weigh all the circumstances, take into account the variables, remember how often this happens, and do not forget about your role. If we focus exclusively on other people’s mistakes, the whole picture disappears. What is your position?
Do not underestimate the importance of your emotions, they provide valuable information. Anger or resentment is like flashing neon signs that say, «Pay attention!» But this does not mean a call for immediate action. When emotions overwhelm, rational thinking simply turns off. So it’s always good to take a little break.
Think about why you are so nervous
Sometimes we explode over trifles, although the reason is not at all in this. Perhaps this is a hormonal surge, hunger, or so many problems have accumulated that any minor nuisance brings to white heat. The same drop that overflowed the cup.
But if we imagine it as if a universal catastrophe really happened, they stop believing us. The interlocutor simply misses the words by the ears. Try to figure out what is really bothering you. When expressing your indignation, it is important to make sure that it is fair and applies to a particular case. Perhaps the real reason lies in long-standing unspoken grievances.
If you understand that you need to speak out, do it sincerely.
It’s about «I-statements». About expressing not just the anger that lies on the surface, but what is hidden under it: pain, sadness, confusion. These are meaningful emotions that deserve attention, while unstoppable aggression only repels people. She forces you to defend yourself, so they will hardly want to hear you.
Very few things in our lives really require an emergency response, even if it seems to be so now. Remember, it is not necessary to instantly voice what you felt and thought. It is much smarter to say everything that needs to be said at the right moment. If the next day it becomes clear that this is not so important, so much the better. Just be glad that you can let go and not waste time and energy.
If the relationship is stable, you can always return to what gnaws and haunts. There is no statute of limitations. Everything that is important to you is important to the relationship. It is much better to pause and defend your rights productively than to blurt out claims in the heat of the moment, risking ruining everything. By and large, we talk about our feelings in order to be understood. And the ability to communicate properly has never hurt anyone.