Embrace the role of a “part-time father”

Who should play the main role in the upbringing of children – the mother or the father? 88% of men and women do not agree with this formulation of the question*. They believe that the participation of both parents is necessary for a child to grow up. What if it’s about divorce? More than half of Russians believe that it is better for a child to stay with his mother. 45% admit other options: “it depends on the situation”, “it is necessary to give the child a choice”, “children are better off with their father” … How does it actually happen? In almost 95% of cases, children after a divorce remain with their mother. And approximately one in five children after the divorce of their parents does not see their father at all**. Women would (in theory) be happy to have fathers continue to take care of their children, but it is not easy for them to give up their power in the home. And they, obviously or unconsciously, obstruct men. As a result, very often, after a divorce, fathers are pushed aside from raising children. In order to adequately cope with the father’s role in such a situation, a man needs a “reset” of his whole life: he needs to rebuild relationships with his ex-wife, reconfigure relationships with a child, revise his life values ​​and his understanding of parenthood, and finally, change his lifestyle in many ways … Here tentative plan for future work.

1. Overcome conflicts with mom

Any separation is, by definition, a crisis situation: anger, disappointment, loneliness (if you were abandoned), guilt (if you were abandoned), resentment … “For almost a year I was angry and suffered,” admits 36-year-old Ivan. “I felt that I would not be able to find peace of mind as long as I continued to see my ex-wife. And we needed to communicate, we had to somehow agree on our son. But we could not say two words to each other, so as not to quarrel. And our three-year-old Alik saw it.” “Such conflicts make separation very difficult,” says child psychotherapist Daniel Marcelli. – It takes time and effort. Especially for men who are accustomed to male chauvinism in society, it is hard for them to admit that something no longer “belongs” to them. I’m not talking about the fact that in about 70% of cases they have to endure a breakup initiated by a woman. “When a decision is made by one of the spouses, it is a deep trauma for the second, so he then lives with resentment for a long time, sometimes for many years. Hence the sharpness of the conflict, – clarifies the family psychotherapist Grazhyna Budinaite. – When the decision to divorce is mutual, when it is emotionally completed, the problems of raising a child in a new situation are resolved more calmly. In a divorce, a couple breaks up, not parents with children. The family is preserved, although in a different capacity.

If you keep this in mind, it will be easier for the father to maintain contact with the mother of the child. How does he behave? Is he well? How is he doing at school? This attitude allows you to minimize conflicts with your ex-wife. “It is very important not to discredit the father or mother in the eyes of the child,” continues the family therapist, “because for him, the depreciation of one of the parents becomes a big blow to self-esteem.” Therefore, a bad peace between parents is better than a good quarrel. “There is nothing more painful for a child than being caught up in parental conflicts,” says Daniel Marcelli. “This is the most common reason children decide not to see one of their parents.” At the same time, the one who is deprived of the opportunity to live with a child, his father, is more often “abandoned”. It also happens that children, especially teenagers, use parental conflicts to achieve their goals. Parents should be made clear that, despite the divorce, they are ready to control the child’s behavior and the overall situation in the family. The support of a psychotherapist can help them with this.

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• When divorce confuses the cards

2. Make up for the lack of communication

“It’s unbearable, it hurts to see an empty room,” says 42-year-old Mikhail. – And it is very difficult to get used to the silence when you have lived for many years to the accompaniment of noisy children’s games. It took me six years to do this.” Many divorced fathers know this suffering, this feeling of emptiness in the house, in life, the feeling that they have nothing to rely on. “When children come to me, I feel completely lost. As if I had forgotten how to find a common language with them,” admits 38-year-old Oleg. Daniel Marselli believes that in such a situation it is useful to take stock of your personal results: “What kind of father was I? What do I want to be? – this will help you start a new stage in your life and believe in yourself.

“Gleb complains that he doesn’t see much of them, and he himself doesn’t care what they do, rarely calls, forgets their birthdays,” 27-year-old Alexandra reproaches the father of her two children. Large pauses in communication, the pain of separation, the negative mood of the child often lead to the fact that fathers capitulate and look for meetings less and less. “But in order to compensate for the resulting distance, you should do exactly the opposite! exclaims Daniel Marcelli. – Birthdays, exams, school concerts – you should try not to miss anything important in your child’s life. Even if it doesn’t come easy. And when there is no way to communicate in person, there is always an alternative, say, the same social networks or Skype.

Mothers can help men keep in touch with their children, 37-year-old Maria is sure: “I always attached my daughter’s father to her classes, kept him informed – I sent text messages, emails, even when he didn’t ask me anything. Now, 8 years after the divorce, they have a close relationship with their daughter. And although they rarely see each other (he lives 250 kilometers from us), he worries about her, and she knows it. The difficulty is that, according to the family psychotherapist, not all mothers are ready to give the father a similar opportunity: “Some believe that only the one with whom the child lives has the right to raise. But this is not so: mother and father have equal parental power.

3. Be able to be one on one with a child

“The most difficult moment for me was when I was alone with my twins and had to entertain them, feed them, dress them, in general, be their own mother,” says 33-year-old Igor. For the first two years, he could not think about anything else: “I started the business, of course, there was not even a question of my personal life. I wanted to be a full-fledged parent and, even when my mother had children, I prepared for their arrival, thought over games, walking routes. Of course, not everyone is ready to seriously revise their lifestyle. Someone does not want to change their habits, someone is sorry to give up the freedom that the new status of a bachelor gives. It is not always possible to predict how a man will behave after a divorce: unexpected turns are possible, when, for example, a father, who was not very involved in upbringing before, suddenly has a meaningful parental position. “The only thing that can be said for sure is that mature, responsible parenthood does not disappear after a divorce,” says Grazyna Budinaite. “Be predictable! As a rule, fathers are less able to organize time than mothers, says Daniel Marselli. – But the more tense the atmosphere, the more important it is to act clearly, to be a person you can rely on. Keep promises, warn if you are late, explain your actions so that the child understands. These rules will help the father remain a support for him and avoid friction in relations with his ex-wife.

4. Set your own rules

How to find your place next to the child, if the wife was more involved with him before the divorce? Sometimes fathers take a passive position, preferring to simply copy the mother’s attitudes. This form of submission, according to Grazhyna Budinaite, stems from the idea that the mother knows better how to raise a child, that he needs her more. But blindly following its instructions is just as fruitless as defiantly violating them. “You have to set or invent your own rules,” adds Daniel Marcelli. – To do this, you need to understand what your values ​​are, remember your family history. This attitude enriches the child’s life. He learns to understand that mother and father are different people, while before they were for him a single entity called “parents”.

Another temptation for the father is a complete refusal to participate in education. “When we lived together, my husband was an authority for the children, and now he gets away with everything. But I became an “evil mother” who does not allow anything,” complains 29-year-old Karina. “I see them twice a month and I’m not going to spoil our meetings with educational conversations!” – objected to her ex-husband Alex. “In fact, the father feels guilt and fear of not being liked by the child, fear of not seeing him again,” Daniel Marcelli is sure. These feelings are hard to overcome. But men have to take it for granted: to be a parent means to be an educator. Not only to play with the child and have fun, but also to keep track of homework, grades, inspire him with common values ​​​​and even punish him if necessary. In no case should a child think that everything pleasant is connected with one parent, and only duties and prohibitions are connected with the other. Grazyna Budinaite adds: “We should try to cooperate with the former spouse, discuss the upbringing of the child with him and, if possible, talk about it with the child himself, so that he feels that he is taking part in the formation of family rules.” “And of course,” adds Daniel Marcelli, “it is extremely important that the mother does not criticize the father’s methods of upbringing in front of the child, and vice versa.”

5. Respect everyone’s place

“In less than two months after our divorce, he found himself a girlfriend, did not even ask the opinion of the children!” 36-year-old Arina is indignant. Yes, it is difficult to come to terms with the fact that after parting, each of the partners acquires the right to live the way he wants. “But accepting the fact of the ex-spouse’s new personal life is one of the signs that the divorce is (psychologically) completed,” notes Grazhyna Budinaite. Another difficulty is voluntary or involuntary competition with the mother’s new partner. It is not easy for many fathers to realize that another man sees his child much more often, influences him, enjoys authority over him. They may feel sidelined, defeated. Mothers also painfully perceive the communication of the child with the new girlfriend of the ex-husband. “An important rule helps to avoid tensions: all major decisions – about health, school, emotional experiences – are made by the mother and father,” says Grazhyna Budinaite. Daniel Marcelli explains: “And in the daily life of a child, a stepfather or stepmother, of course, helps the child learn the basic rules: respect, courtesy …” The appearance of a stepfather does not mean that the father has lost his place in the life of the child. And if they have a good relationship, this only creates additional opportunities for the child and does not infringe on the father. “For a self-confident dad, such a position is natural,” says Grazyna Budinaite. “It’s another matter that after a divorce, you sometimes have to work really long to gain parental confidence, inner peace, and dignity.”

* According to the Public Opinion Foundation, 2014, see fom.ru

** According to the National Institute for Demographic Research of France (Ined), May 2013.