elusive desire

“It is enough to love each other – and everything will be fine in bed” … Such a (naive) idea corresponds to the modern romantic ideal of love relationships. Sensuality and passion seem to many to be taken for granted if the partners love each other. Therefore, when their attraction weakens or disappears altogether, it is frightening and causes a vague sense of guilt. 60% of those who live in a couple admit that their attraction to each other is less than at the beginning of the relationship *. “Women aged 39–47 are the most dissatisfied,” says sociologist Ekaterina Moskvina. – As the main reasons, they name general fatigue (35%), lack of free time (33%), housing conditions (24%). The lack of attraction is more often complained of by those who have children. Also, attraction is reduced by the formalization of relationships (registration of marriage itself extinguishes the erotic “spark”); getting used to a partner (sex becomes too predictable, and romance goes away) and, finally, desexualization of the role of a married woman (the roles of mother, housewife, in their view, are poorly compatible with the image of a passionate, willing and desired lover). Researchers also note this reason: when the relationship between spouses becomes too close, a man can be perceived as a relative, and an unconscious incestuous prohibition prevents a woman from treating him as a sexual partner.

Anxiety and an over-focus on desire are also explained by the consumerist approach to life that prevails in our society today. Family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova explains: “It is generally accepted that a successful person should be at his best in sexual relations, enjoy, make love often, a lot. In addition, the frequency of having sex has become a barometer of relationships in a couple. We live in a mode of chasing after pleasure, which does not fit well with the laws of desire. Because the desire, in order to grow and express itself, requires restrictions, inaccessibility, taboo, as well as the distance between partners and time. And the desire to achieve (at any cost) a constant force of attraction is just the right way to scare him off.

It always changes

Thanks to the discoveries of neurophysiologists in the field of love and sexual relationships, we know that we are biologically programmed to naturally desire intimacy with our partner for a maximum of three years – this period is necessary to ensure the continuation of the family. “This powerful sexual desire captures us completely and gives rise to such strong sensations that men and women retain a taste for it for a long time and feel regret when it is dulled,” explains sexologist Yevgeny Kashchenko. “And yet, if a strong desire begins to wane, this does not mean that we lose desire altogether.”

According to experts, such hasty conclusions are usually associated with confusion between the concepts of “desire” and “arousal”. Sexuality in a period of passion is different than in a period of long-term attachment. It is the comparison between “then” and “now” that undermines trust in a couple and extinguishes the flame of feelings. “Getting used to something else does not mean losing the desire,” says Inna Khamitova. – On the contrary, the subtle, intimate knowledge of the other that has arisen over the years can contribute to deeper, freer relationships. But to do that, you first have to accept the fact that desire changes over time.”

He is disturbed by emotions

However, women are more vulnerable when it comes to attraction to a regular partner. 28% of women noted the absence or lack of desire during the last year; after 15 years of marriage, 40% of women say that they do not experience sexual desire, or call it not strong enough**. “Men are more focused on their physiology, on how their sexual “mechanism” functions, and women are more sensitive to the general emotional mood in a relationship: it is enough to have tension in communication with a partner so that their desire weakens or completely disappears, – Evgeny Kashchenko explains. He emphasizes that attraction is very capricious, unpredictable, and any trifle can frighten him away: a suddenly heard unpleasant smell of perfume (even if the woman herself gave it to her partner), the husband’s glance, which seemed “non-native”, who returned late from work …

Desire has its peaks and troughs, just like appetite; the level of vital energy is also subject to fluctuations. Sexologist Gonzague de Larocque warns of two more underwater reefs: The less understanding between the partners, the more significant the disagreements, the stronger the desire falls. Another problem is our passivity: I meet more and more men and women who simply do not invest themselves in their sexual relationships. They are waiting for activity, initiative from their partner and blame it on him if their feelings lose their brightness. Meanwhile, the first thing to ask yourself when you feel dissatisfied is: “What is my share of responsibility here?”

He needs distance

Attraction needs intimacy and some kind of detachment at the same time, so it is important for the two to always remain closed to each other to some extent. If we are not interested in a partner in what he does not coincide with us, if we do not have a taste for his dissimilarity, for that part of him that remains mysterious and inaccessible to us, desire falls asleep, lulled by the monotony of a familiar song. Something different from us disturbs, sometimes hurts, but this shock, along with tenderness and sensuality, is one of the three pillars on which erotic relationships are built in a couple. Desire is one of the ways not to lose distinction, to respect the other, while not smoothing over sharp corners in the hope of finding peace. To preserve our attraction to each other, we should take care to always maintain our ambiguity, individuality and personal space, not allowing ourselves to be tamed or simplified.

*Based on research conducted May 14-25, 2012 by Tiburon Research exclusively for Psychologies.

** More details on the website of the National Institute for Demographic Research of France (INED), ined.fr