The Sexprosvet project has become a real discovery for those who want to expand their knowledge of sex. Its creators insist that the main thing for them is the ability to convey different points of view to listeners and make their sex life safer.
In November 2015, the first Sexprosvet conference took place. More than 300 people gathered to listen to how doctors, neurophysiologists, marketers and even physicists talk about sex. Today, sex educators have already had four lectures, a round table on the topic of sexual violence, and Elena Rydkina, co-founder of the project (and also the face of the Pure dating app in Russia), developed and conducted the SEX 2.0 online training on sexual communication for women. But the main thing is that a platform has appeared in Russia where a really frank conversation about sex has begun. It turned out that sex is not only about orgasm techniques, positions and ways to prolong pleasure, but also about the ability to be open with a partner and agree on boundaries, about respect for oneself and one’s desires.
Elena Rydkina shared with us her thoughts about the project, its mission and plans for the future.
Psychologies: Where did the idea for such a project come from? What is its main idea?
Elena Rydkina: I noticed that many of my acquaintances – very smart people who know how to keep up a conversation on any topic – do not know how to talk about sex. There are no terms, no understanding of how to talk about it. They get stuck at the level of twelve-year-olds. We say that sex is, on the one hand, something understandable that we all know about. On the other hand, this is something that should be hidden, hidden somewhere under the covers.
All this worried me a lot. I wanted to try to make such educational events for my own friends and acquaintances. The topic of sex and sexuality, like any difficult topic, can be considered at various levels. We want to show its versatility. There is much more buried there than we used to think.
Now you can’t even enter a sex shop without tears. Everything is dark, scary, ugly…
It was important for us to give lectures with approaches from different disciplines – sociology, cultural studies, medicine, psychophysiology. I wanted such a diverse dialogue. Now we are trying to combine some practical things – for example, a story about sexually transmitted diseases – with entertaining and educational. Let’s say we had a lecture on Chinese erotic symbolism, and it went off with a bang.
What problems do you see?
E. R .: First of all, it is the HIV epidemic. Insufficient use of contraceptives, insufficiently high level of sexual culture, sexual health. Another big problem is related to sexual violence. Women do not know how to protect themselves, how to set boundaries, where to turn for help.
Much less is said about the importance of communication. Firstly, it is communication with oneself, with one’s feelings. People often have no idea what they want, what they don’t want, what they categorically do not accept, and how to tell a partner about it. Nobody teaches it, nobody talks about it.
There is a global problem, which is associated with silence on the topic of sex and sexuality. Silence leads to violence, disease, general dissatisfaction. And not only in everyday life, but also, for example, in the academic environment. If you want to write on topics related to sex and sexuality, you will not be given grants, no one will be particularly interested in this. That is, there are no incentives to do this as a scientist. For example, I spoke with colleagues who are engaged in gynecology. Research in this area is progressing very slowly.
An interesting point related to technology. Not enough investment goes into the sex industry, into medical technology. And this helps to improve sexual life, sexual health – psychological or physical. Everything related to the field of entertainment around sex and sexuality – dating applications, haptic technologies, gaming applications.
That is, we need to “pump” ourselves with the help of all this?
E.R .: Not that it’s necessary. We just want to convey that this is normal and great. Now you can’t even enter a sex shop without crying. Something dark, scary, ugly.
You pay a lot of attention to “alternative” sexual practices and formats of relationships – BDSM, polyamory…
E. R .: They were actively represented at the first Sex Education Council (the first Sex Education conference was held in November 2015). We tried to consider such “deviations” from three main positions. The first is queer culture (a sexual culture built on the idea of being different from traditional norms), we had a philosopher give a lecture. The second is polyamory, the third is fetish and BDSM culture.
We need to ask ourselves: is everything really as it seems to us. Maybe we can learn something.
Do you want the attitude to these practices to change somehow?
E. R .: We want to rethink, we want to ask questions. I studied at the social faculty, and we were always taught to ask questions of reality – the norms by which our life is arranged. It makes sense to question the most mundane things and ask ourselves if everything really works the way it seems to us. Maybe we can learn something new. It also seems to me that it is very typical for Russian culture not to talk about certain things, as if that makes them cease to exist.
Like a spell…
E. R .: I prefer the metaphor of children who close their eyes, and it seems to them that they cannot be seen either. And we are trying to gather a critical mass of people who are able to understand something, and give them the whole range of opinions.
Speaking of children, how do you feel about the fact that they can see all this?
E. R .: We decided right away that we were doing Sex Education for adults. These are people who can already make responsible decisions about their lives. We are comfortable in this niche, and we can say what we want. When it comes to media broadcasts, you have to be careful. We put the mark “18+”, and in principle this is enough.
What if we didn’t have legal restrictions?
E. R .: I would focus on adults first. Firstly, in Russia there is a very low level of trust in school among children. Where else can they get ideas about sexual literacy? They can read something, look on the Internet. But the main source is, of course, parents. In general, the atmosphere in the family. The most important thing for sex education – more than even factual information – is the adequate attitude of close adults.
Violence is born exactly there – in silence and in a lack of understanding of what we want and do not want to allow others to do with us.
Let’s say a child starts masturbating at the age of five. Instead of scaring him, saying “put your hands on the blanket,” you can react somehow differently. But how? Even advanced parents who are faced with the problems of children’s sexuality, they understand what not to do. But what exactly needs to be done, they do not understand. And it turns out that parents need to be educated much more than children.
Parents need to be educated in matters of upbringing?
E. R .: In fact, problems begin at the level of a specific interaction with a partner. This topic is related to the boundaries of consent – what we want and do not want to allow others to do to us, what violence is, where it starts … Nobody teaches this. Sex is, on the one hand, kind of clear and obvious, and there is no need to talk about it. On the other hand, it cannot be brought to light. And it turns out that violence is born precisely there – in silence, in a lack of understanding of where the border lies.
The second problem: there is no adequate culture of talking about sex. As a result, people have fantasies, they cannot realize them in relationships, they go to embody them somewhere else. A person will cheat, go to a prostitute. If the level of sexual culture is low, people will not care about safety, about sexually transmitted diseases. We get the wildest statistics on the same HIV: not in risk groups, not in drug addicts, but in seemingly monogamous heterosexual couples1. The expectant mother comes to the clinic for the first time in her life to take tests, and she has a whole bouquet there. And she passes it all on to her child. She is horrified, she does not know where she got it from. And it turns out that her partner somewhere had unprotected sex with someone. People don’t talk about it.
The problem of adults in the sexual field also concerns the ethics of communication. People do not know how to negotiate, people do not know how to make each other feel good and comfortable. The kind of love that is often forgotten in the context of sex, it is not about being with one partner all your life and holding his hand … You don’t have to look there. First of all, it is to do good to another person, to understand, to gain respect. And people don’t know how. Their whole sexual sphere is associated with fear, pain, shame, humiliation. What kind of pleasure can we talk about?
“Yes” and “no” that a woman says to a man can mean different things. As a result, the man does not understand – what does this mean with this particular woman?
How do you see the future of the project?
E. R .: It started as a small hipster project, but now we have two goals in front of us. We want to create a community of interested people who will come to our events, follow our online resources. At the first event, there were lectures that were too highbrow, which can be difficult for people without a specific education to understand. We want it to be available.
I really like the example of all the science-pop that has now appeared in Russia. Events like the Set Up lecture hall are attended by a lot of people, even children. And everyone can understand what they are being told. Everything is told in simple language. We strive for this simplicity whenever possible. But we are building our Sexual Education not only on scientific pop, on lectures. The language of art is very important to us. With the help of art, it is sometimes easier to convey some ideas.
Can be more?
E. R .: If you are talking about the problem of sexism, about the problem of sexual objectification, it is very good to show it. You can show the art of interaction with a tense exchange of power, as happens in shibari (the art of erotic bondage). When two people interact in this field, he or she binds their bottom (the one who submits), you feel the power in this. You can understand something about yourself and about erotica through what you see. Awaken your feelings. See that you can do things differently. Differently.
We want to eventually do some documentary projects and photographs. We want to make a documentary film for the October Sex Education about what “yes” and “no” means for different girls. This idea grew out of my conversations with friends who are doing various entertainment and educational projects. We found that for each of us, the words “yes” and “no” that we say to men mean different things. Each has its own system. There are extremes – for me, for example, this system is extremely clear: “yes” means “yes”, “no” means “no”. There are gradations, up to silence and some kind of social game – “figure out for yourself what I mean.” A man does not understand: now is it “yes” or “no”? With this particular girl, what does that mean? Therefore, these situations have different consequences. There is a direct connection with the topic of sexual violence.
What are your plans for men?
E. R .: We will definitely come to this. I see several problems here. The first is generally associated with the hypersexualization of men. He is accused of being hypersexual. It is something social, cultural. A man should want sex in all situations, he should strive for it, he cannot get tired or refuse. I did my little experiments, talking to men who are receptive to such attitudes. And it turned out that this problem really exists. On the other hand, there is a culture that tells men not to be emotional, to keep their emotions in check all the time. All this results in psychological problems, leads to aggression.
And what can replace the existing culture of relations?
E. R .: I am for a model in which there can be a choice of possibilities. I believe that relationships can be built on choice: you can choose what you like and talk about it openly. You can do this and that, but you take it and choose. You say who has what needs and come to a consensus. And everything is open and honest.
About expert
Elena Rydkina, co-founder of the Sexprosvet18+ conference. She worked as a research assistant at the Center for Neuroeconomics and Cognitive Research at the National Research University Higher School of Economics. With a group of like-minded people, she launched a series of popular science conferences for adults. Now works as a “sex evangelist” in the application for finding a sexual partner Pure. See more atsexprosvet.
1 According to the Federal AIDS Center, in twenty Russian regions, 1% of pregnant women are living with HIV. According to WHO and UNAIDS criteria, this indicates the highest stage of the epidemic. See spid.center for more details.