Ekaterina Murashova: “Teens are not interested in sex, but in love as the pinnacle of being”

We asked teenagers about what they mean by the concept of a “good relationship between a guy and a girl.” And most often the words “trust” and “mutual understanding” sounded. Does it sound like it’s important to them?

Katerina Murashova, family psychologist: Yes, teenagers use different words to say approximately the same thing, which can be reduced to the idea of ​​”the main thing is to be understood.” This is one of the markers of adolescence, because people younger and older emphasize something else as the main thing.

I would note another marker – this is the word “hate”, a consequence of their emotional lability. If you ask adults if they hate anything or anyone, most will answer: “No, hatred is too strong a feeling.” A teenager can calmly say, separated by commas: I hate my younger brother, semolina and a drawing teacher. These are two psychological markers of adolescence.

How different are today’s teenagers from teenagers of previous generations?

They better express thoughts and feelings. And this is not their merit, it is the merit of the media environment in which they live. Our generation didn’t. We almost could not talk about feelings, our vocabulary in this sense was very poor.

I remember how it all began, how girls came to me during perestroika and spoke with phrases from the series that were then played on TV: “Santa Barbara”, “Just Maria” and others.

It seems that the relationship with classmates in children is now not always as close and close as we used to be.

It happens differently. But it is obvious that today part of this socialization, grouping reaction has been transferred to the virtual space.

And how much more difficult has it become for parents and teenagers to communicate, compared, for example, with what it was 20-30 years ago?

In my opinion, the relationship has become closer. In my generation, children and parents were two completely different worlds. Now there are a lot of families where parents and children are closer to each other.

Is it the effect of the environment?

Now the environment is more open. Tanks are played equally by a 9-year-old boy and a 49-year-old man. Moreover, this 9-year-old can often advise an adult something else. This affects not only the child: it raises him in his own eyes, lays the foundation for self-esteem, but also on a man.

But not every adult will be able to accept it.

At least now there is a field in which to practice accepting this equality.

Is it possible to single out any types of relationships between parents and children that are characteristic of our time?

I think that they are, in general, eternal. What is the essence of adolescence? When a child is born, it is as if an agreement is made: the parent provides for the child, and the child obeys. But when he becomes a teenager, he requests a revision of the contract.

And relationships can be typified by how parents relate to this request: a parent can accept it (“I was waiting for this, I’m ready, we’ll reconsider”), can get scared (“God, what will start now!”, He starts rushing about – then “ Let’s sit down, talk heart to heart”, then “No, you won’t go there!”) and, finally, can take a tough stance (“You live on my means and will do as I said”).

In the latter case, the teenager has no choice but to gnaw through this umbilical cord himself.

What are the most important psychological changes that occur during adolescence?

This is a period of emotional lability: a teenager’s self-esteem becomes unstable. And it does not matter how he entered this period: confident or insecure. In adolescence, self-esteem jumps along a sinusoid. The most characteristic of adolescence is the instability of everything.

In general, I am for prevention, it seems to me that young people should be told about old age. About adolescence – to children. About youth, about its tasks – to teenagers. That is, not when the thunder is already thundering, but in advance. When it still causes curiosity, not horror. Then it’s efficient.

What should you pay attention to if a child suddenly becomes categorically dissatisfied with his appearance, if he does not accept himself?

It is not necessary to react to feelings, because, as I said, emotional lability is the norm. You have to react to action. If a girl at the age of 14 goes on a diet of lemons, then she does not understand what this is fraught with, and the parent should respond to this.

If these are experiences, we simply join in, and if we can, then we talk about our experience. That is, the openness of one’s experience and the acceptance of this experience, jumping up and down, is therapeutic. But if actions begin, then the parents are no longer required to join the child, but to act – to say “no, because of this and that”.

Perhaps there may be things not as obvious as diet, which an ignorant parent can attribute to adolescence and overlook a serious problem. What could it be?

If a teenager broke up with friends. That is, the emergence of a new social circle is natural for adolescence: a teenager tries, experiments. For example, a good girl might try to go to a company where they drink beer and smoke.

The parent must somehow relate to this, but in this case the child’s behavior is within the limits of the research program. But cutting off ties and not finding new ones is always alarming.

One of the most difficult topics is about adolescent sexuality. Maybe the parent needs to overcome himself and start talking about it in advance?

I do not think that a parent should overcome himself. If this is painful for him, if he talks, looking at the floor and picking the parquet with his slipper, such a conversation is unlikely to benefit the child. Especially if the teenager himself does not ask the parent about it.

But still. We don’t even have a vocabulary for discussing sex yet, adults can’t discuss it among themselves because they don’t understand what terms to use. What is the best way to talk about this with children? So he comes and asks – do you need to answer?

Necessary. You can say: “Listen, I will answer you, but I need a pause.” Children take it well. A parent can use any support, from “call a friend” to turning to the Internet with the question “What to do?”. My opinion: the question asked should be answered. In sex at the moment, given the Internet, there is nothing sacred.

Children are not very interested in technical details. When they come to their parents, they are not interested in sex, but in love as the pinnacle of being. And if parents have something to say about love (and not everyone has it), then this needs to be done. This is a resource whose value cannot be underestimated.

What do teenagers usually ask when they come to you?

Usually they ask this question: I’m dating Fedya, I like him, he likes me, tell me, is this true love? I answer them: the love that you ask about, the length and price comparable to life, about which songs are sung, legends are composed, fairy tales are told – it is not sent to everyone.

But if that love comes to you, you won’t ask me. You will know exactly what it is. Therefore, I say that if a parent has an experience of love, even if not for a partner, but for any living being, there is this experience of the highest being, then to hide it from the child, in my opinion, is immoral in relation to him.

Imagine that you have a family in front of you: parents and a teenager or a child who will soon enter adolescence. Are there any criteria by which one can understand whether parents will have problems with him or not?

The first thing that is important to understand is whether there are many lies in the family: a teenager to parents and parents to a teenager. They are not hiding something, namely they are lying. This is very predictive.

The second is how much the parent himself is afraid of what should happen. If an adult waits with horror not for adolescence, but immediately for adolescence crisis, then, most likely, he will wait for this.

And the third point is whether the parent is ready to revise the contract at the request of the teenager. If you are not ready, collisions are most likely inevitable.

The material was prepared on the basis of a conversation between journalist Lika Dlugach and psychologists, teenagers and their parents on the air of the project “Dear Mom! Being a Parent of a Teenager” is a joint initiative of the journal Psychologies and the UNESCO Regional Program for Health Education, implemented on the site of the Odnoklassniki social network.