Psychoanalyst Ekaterina Mikhailova reflects on the characteristics of sexuality after 50 years in an interview with Psychologies.
Psychologies: What personality traits of women aged 50-55 affect their sex life?
Ekaterina Mikhailova: Sexuality, like any other aspect of being, cannot be considered in isolation from the rest of life. A brilliant star over fifty — no matter in what area — «has the right» to sexuality: they can gossip about her, but rather with envy. And an ordinary woman can look and feel just as good, but she doesn’t seem to be supposed to … What, in fact? First of all, to refute the stereotypes that associate sex with the reproductive function, which is archaic in itself — society has long been living and thinking differently.
That is, those who are used to “going against the flow” are active first of all?
EM: Exactly! Sexual freedom in pre-retirement — by domestic standards — age is directly related to the habit of breaking rules and stereotypes, with confidence in one’s right not to follow, not to repeat, not to obey. It is not surprising that active and lively women love, rejoice and gain new experience both at fifty and later — they have already «went beyond» so many times in other areas that sexual freedom is not some kind of separate value for them, it’s just one of the faces of their freedom.
But our survey showed that 68% of women of this age regret missed opportunities in sex …
EM: Is it only about sex? And education, career, children, the opportunity to start from scratch in another country — what, do not missed opportunities torment you here? For me, this is not so much a statistic of «sexual hopelessness» as a general feeling from the category of «life is lived, but how much has passed by.» But there are also pluses: the sexuality of a young woman is almost a matter of state, «it makes children.» At fifty, sexuality finally becomes a private matter. This is a good chance to slip out of the clutches of imposed norms and restrictions. And it is important to know that there is a choice: you can arrange a revival for yourself, another spring, or you can say “stop” and close the topic. Who is closer. But the choice, as you know, is not easy and is always associated with risk.
Many women at this age are prevented from having sex by a sense of shame. Can it be overcome?
EM: Shame gives rise to a conflict of feelings, thoughts, desires with what is considered the norm. But this norm is formed, as a rule, by those who brought us up. And for the older generations, the sexuality of a 50-year-old woman has no social value and should be suppressed: you have to think about grandchildren, just what you want! Of course, shame can also be caused by the fear of being rejected. But if this assumption is tested, it will almost certainly not be confirmed. And the built-in norm is always with us. The question of overcoming shame is the question of how far we have come from conforming to the views of the sexuality of the parental family. If it is still important for us that our grandmother can be proud of us, the changed views of society will not help. The main thing is to understand how I know what I can or cannot feel, and how I deal with these instructions. However, this is important not only in bed, but in life in general.
- Sex: what do women want now?