Eight secrets of a strong couple

Spending time together, having common interests, being satisfied in sex, speaking the same language… Each couple will name different criteria for the longevity of their union. But why do these “mandatory exercises” often do not coincide for two partners?

And what needs to be done so that the union is not only long, but also harmonious? Psychologist Elena Sadova, in the process of working with couples, has identified several major problems in relationships and offers an “antidote” to them.

1. They follow through with the conversation.

It often happens that one of the partners starts a conversation about something important, and the other, if he doesn’t like the topic or is too painful for him, leaves the dialogue, withdrawing into himself or leaving the space physically — for example, he disappears into another room with the words “ We’ll talk another time» or «I already have a headache from this.»

But if the conversation is not maintained and answers are avoided, the questions only grow like a snowball, giving rise to speculation. To bring the conversation to the end means to get an answer to your question and to give an answer to the partner’s question. Question and answer is a cycle. If we have advanced only halfway in it, we are marking time in the first part — the question, then the anxiety intensifies in the couple. One sees that something is happening to the other, but does not understand what it is.

In strong couples, partners relieve tension by giving each other the opportunity to ask a question and get an answer. Sometimes the conversation can be really difficult for some of them. Then he asks the other to postpone the conversation until a more suitable moment, when he is internally ready. But he never forgets about the promise and always finds time to listen to the other.

2. They genuinely care about each other’s opinions.

Before asking something from a partner, it is useful to understand: why am I asking? To establish oneself in one’s own opinion, to hook the interlocutor with a caustic word or to show sincere interest and find out what he thinks? After all, a question can be supported, but it can also be humiliated. Are we constructive or destructive?

Some of the language may offend, and some already contain an answer or assessment. They hardly help to hear each other. For example: “How could you do that?!” What to say in response? Nothing but «Well, that’s it.» If we sincerely ask “Why?”, “Why?”, “For what?”, then the other may also answer us: “Darling, when I acted like this, I assumed this and felt like this.”

Some couples have become so busy playing questions-accusations that it is already difficult for them to build a non-judgmental conversation. But they can also resort to the help of a psychologist or a mediator (intermediary), who will play the role of a psychological translator and help them hear each other.

Quite often, without receiving an answer, we continue to ask the same thing over and over again and get angry if the interlocutor cannot understand us. In this case, try to reformulate the question — after all, you really may not be understood: each of us lives in his own world of signs and symbols. Speaking the other’s language, seeing the problem through their eyes, is part of the art of dialogue, which strong couples are good at.

3. They show care

In couples who are satisfied with the relationship, the partners usually do not seek to know the whole truth about each other at any cost. They are ready to put up with the lack of information for the sake of maintaining good relations.

Before asking a question, it is useful to think — what will I do with the answer? Sometimes the time to say to yourself “Stop!” helps save relationships. But weighing words for an answer is no less important. I have worked with a couple who have been married for 20 years. The husband suddenly confessed to a betrayal committed several years ago: it was casual sex after a corporate party, and he never met that woman again.

But the feeling of guilt before his wife oppressed him all these years. After the confession, he felt better, but she was “covered” so that it was about a divorce. Every time you think about whether to bring up a particular topic, evaluate the risks. If on the scales lies the relief of the soul on the one hand and the calmness of the partner on the other, maybe find a more environmentally friendly way to share the pain, for example, with a psychologist?

Even if we were asked a less life-changing question like “Did you cheat on me?”, it’s better to consider the answer. If we know that a negative reaction of a partner may arise, for example, to delays at work or trips with friends, then he should not describe in colors the details of a party or the joys of a football match.

The answer may be a calm explanation: “I know that you do not like my friends, that you are upset when I meet them. But time and communication with them is important for me, my personal space is important. How can we make sure you don’t get upset next time?»

4. They put their partner at the center of their lives.

If we imagine our life as a solar system, where we are in the center, and different planets revolve around us: partner, work, friends, hobbies, parents, children, then the partner may one day feel that he is no more valuable to us than everyone else . Perhaps it will upset him.

To prevent this from happening, you can imagine a different picture — a system in which two suns stand side by side, and everything else revolves around them. One sun is you, the other is a partner. And together you pay attention to the rest of the world. As partners, you do not have to be in merger and stand in the center of the Universe in an embrace: you can turn sideways, back to each other, hold hands.

But you always keep in touch and have equal positions. This is an opportunity for co-existence, co-experience. However, even in such a model of a single universe, each partner has his own space and time — for himself, for recreation or activities outside the couple. Strong couples constantly agree on how to strike a balance between their interests and the interests of the couple as a whole.

5. They protect each other

The outside world presents us with challenges: either conflicts at work, or something is wrong with the neighbors, or the mother-in-law or mother-in-law is unhappy, or the tax inspectorate or the traffic police impose fines on us. Protecting each other, keeping the defense together is a good rule and support for the couple. True, sometimes our desire to rush into the embrasure and protect ourselves from the enemy is premature.

If we are talking about an equal partnership, then it is worth making sure that the other really cannot cope on his own and he needs help. It is not out of place to ask: “How can I help you?” Sometimes in a couple, the one who is most competent or ready at the moment is taken to solve the problem.

If the wife is better able to negotiate in the housing office, then why shouldn’t she take on this mission. If the husband has a key to the mother-in-law’s heart, then in the event of a conflict with her, it is wiser to entrust him with negotiating.

6. They often hug and hold hands

Tactile contact is just as important as the ability to communicate. And sometimes a hug is a thousand words. This is not about sexual contact. We show caress and care — such as we give to children, or that which we received from parents. When we stroke, kiss, press our cheek against a partner, fall asleep in an embrace, hug in the morning, we experience tenderness, a sense of security or a surge of energy and a willingness to move mountains.

But in my practice I have met with couples in which one of the partners does not tolerate strokes and at the same time loves sex. However, sex does not replace just such bodily intimacy. As a rule, the other partner in such pairs lacks tactile contact.

The origins of coldness are often hidden in childhood, when, for example, a boy was not allowed to cry, and when he tried to snuggle up to his mother, he was pushed away or not given warmth in return. In psychotherapy, we often manage to melt this cold, and the couple has another way to be closer to each other.

7. They Say Thank You

How often do we say nice words to each other? Do we praise our partner a lot? I hear from clients: “Well, the wife cooked the soup, what is there to praise for? She’s been doing this for ten years.» Or did he come early today, what’s the big deal?

It is very important for us that a close and dear person notice a small miracle of our relationship — these are seemingly ordinary, ordinary moments.

«Honey, thanks for ironing the shirt.» «Honey, you’re so gentle today.» Simple words of gratitude give rise to a desire in us to work miracles further, they let us know: I am significant, I am dear, my efforts have been noticed and appreciated. Man is a creature controlled by words, and verbal stroking is very dear to each of us.

But where is the line between a sincere compliment and hypocrisy? And is it necessary to tell a woman that she is beautiful if she is far from ideal? Yes, we are not perfect. Don’t say what you don’t really mean. But take a closer look: you will surely be able to find something that you like in a partner: eyes, hands, smile, kindness, gait, jokes. Notice this not only to yourself, but out loud, from the heart.

8. They help each other open up in sex.

For many couples, sex is very important. What if he wants sex and she doesn’t? Often, the discrepancy in the desires of partners is explained by physiological characteristics. For men, in my experience with couples, often sex comes first, and everything else comes after that.

In a woman, sexual arousal directly depends on her psychological mood. If she has a lot of worries in her head — to earn money, take the children to kindergarten and school, buy medicine for her mother, clean the apartment, cook food — then the need for sex will recede into the background.

And if a man wants a reciprocal desire from a partner, then even a simple offer to help and, for example, buy something yourself or vacuum an apartment can free and liberate her sexual desire. In strong couples, the husband offers help, and the wife is not shy about asking.

Is good sex always accompanied by an orgasm of both partners? Not necessary. I often have to draw the attention of clients to the fact that you can learn to get great pleasure from watching your partner enjoy. The joy of what we do well for another is a great resource for relationships.