Eight phrases that are harmful to children

If you have children, you probably use these phrases sometimes. However, studies show that they should not be told to children: they do not work as we expect.

“Don’t roar”

Children often cry, so the temptation to say these words to the child is great. However, in this way we devalue children’s feelings, make it clear that you should not openly share emotions with parents.

Learn to recognize and name your emotions. Say, “I know you’re feeling really sad right now.” When you help children describe their feelings, you show that you acknowledge them. Also, this is how you teach them to describe emotions rather than show them. Over time, they will be able to put their experiences into words without resorting to tears.

“Stop…”

Stop running. Stop screaming. Stop throwing things around. Research shows that directives like this only make matters worse. Children’s brains are programmed to do what they say. When you say “stop running”, the child hears “run”. Better say “walk with a calm step.” This way you will definitely let the child understand what he needs to do. In addition, it will present your instructions in a more positive light.

“Ask for forgiveness”

Young children are taught to ask for forgiveness long before they learn to truly regret their actions. It seems to adults that in this way they instill in children a good upbringing. However, research shows that asking for forgiveness does not develop true empathy in children.

It is more effective to teach them to help the person they offended. If your daughter broke the tower another child built, have her help build it again. This is how children learn that their actions have consequences. They learn that it is necessary to take action to correct mistakes, and not just say a formal “sorry”. This reduces the likelihood of repeating such acts in the future and develops true empathy in children.

“No one fights with us”

“We don’t throw things around.” “Nobody bites us.” The purpose of such phrases is to show the child that he is part of a group in which certain rules apply.

Unfortunately, this does not help children who constantly bite, fight, or exhibit other kinds of negative behavior. Such statements only make them feel like outsiders.

Rather, say that “fighting is bad” and explain how the offended child feels. Then get the aggressor to take action to fix what they’ve done.

“Here you see!”

This is a variant of the classic saying: “I told you so!” You tell your daughter to stop jumping on the couch. She does not obey, falls and hurts herself. You react to it by saying, “You see! I told you not to jump on the couch!”

Such a reaction shames the child and does not give him the opportunity to analyze the problem and find a solution. It is better to wait until the daughter calms down, and then discuss the event. Ask how she will behave next time.

“Don `t cry”

Baby whining is a test. It is very annoying. We want it to stop, and as soon as possible. But the phrase doesn’t help stop the whining. Instead, try saying, “Speak in a normal voice,” or ask, “How can we solve this problem?” In this way, you awaken your child’s problem-solving skills and help him gain some control over the situation.

You can also use the “You asked, I answered” strategy. For example, your son asked you to buy him a toy, and you said no. If he keeps whining, you reply, “You asked, I answered.” Use this phrase appropriately and consistently. When the child understands and remembers it, he will become less whiny, naughty and bargain.

“How many times do I have to tell you?”

If the child did not respond the first time, two options are possible. Either he didn’t hear or understand you the first time, or he avoids following your instructions. How to proceed in this case depends on the specific situation. But this phrase doesn’t really help. She conveys the wrong message to the children – that you are ready to repeat your instructions more than once.

“Wait, here comes the father from work…”

First, this phrase makes it clear that right now you are not going to take action. But they are really necessary. Waiting for a second parent negates the effectiveness of parenting in the long run.

Secondly, the child develops fear about the reaction of one of the parents. This means that when he does something bad, he does not admit it because of fear of punishment.

About the author: Cathy Mertes is an early childhood educator with a master’s degree in early learning.