Egocentrism

Egocentrism is the inability or unwillingness of a person to look at what is happening from the point of view of other people, to put himself in the place of another person.

Varieties of egocentrism:

• Cognitive, characterizing perception and thinking;
• Moral egoism — speaking about the inability to perceive the grounds for moral actions and actions of other people;
• Communicative, observed in the transfer of information to other people. It consists in neglecting the semantic content of concepts.

When an egocentrist cannot, and sometimes does not want to understand that people are different, not like him, that other people look at many things in their own way, and not like him, that they have their own views and needs.

In children, egocentrism is very pronounced, and everyone can be convinced of this by reproducing the experiment of J. Piaget with children 5-7 years old.

Children are seated around a round table, they are given everything they need to draw, and there are 3 pyramids on the table: red, blue and green. The task is given: “Draw these pyramids!” This task is easy for children to complete. «Well thank you. And now, please, let Vanya draw the pyramids the way Masha sees them — she is sitting opposite you. Can you?” — Vanya, without a moment’s hesitation, takes colored pencils again and draws pyramids — just like the first time.

It still cannot occur to him that from the other side of the table, from a different point of view, the same pyramids will look different, and the red one, say, will no longer be on the left, but on the right …

Children grow up, but egocentrism remains. No, of course, now we already know that each person perceives the same situation in his own way, from his own point of view, but the problem is that we use this knowledge too rarely.

Egocentrism is especially pronounced in children and increases again in old age, due to a general decline in intelligence. As for adults, egocentrism is more pronounced in women.

Here is a simple experiment that is often carried out in the practice of family counseling. A husband and wife arrive, but the husband is asked to wait in the hallway. The wife begins to vividly, in detail and figuratively tell how dishonorably and badly her husband behaves. Then the consultant turns to her with a request to describe the situation on behalf of her husband. You should have seen what bewilderment, embarrassment and confusion on the face of his wife. Oh, how she does not want to put herself in the place of her husband and look at the situation and herself through his eyes. “After all, your husband probably would have told about the same thing in a different way. Now we will invite him — how will he talk about it? — Well, he’s going to spit here. I’m telling you how it really happened … «

No better (and, most likely, worse) will her husband show himself in a similar situation.

But try it yourself: remember the situation of the last domestic quarrel and try to describe the situation and yourself through the eyes of the one with whom you quarreled! And it’s hard, and you don’t want to, because you look unattractive.

The couple have lived together for more than 10 years, have already had a big fight many times, but put themselves in the place of another, look at the family through his eyes, try to understand him — no, there was not enough time for this, or rather the mind and mental strength was not enough.

Are you ready for such an experiment?

He is not at all difficult for those who do not swear, but listen to the opinion of another even in a quarrel. “This is how I see the problem. And how are you?»

Here is another similar experiment that reveals mutual understanding between spouses and, by the way, contributes to its improvement. Spouses are given pieces of paper, and they must (each separately from each other) complete unfinished sentences. Which? — For example, the phrase “I value you most of all …” is suggested — and 5-10 points must be added, suppose: decency, sense of humor, justice, your salary, love for me, tolerance … Everyone writes what is important to him.

If the couple has a dysfunctional relationship, they are usually offered the following phrases:

— You often annoy me… (write quickly and energetically. “May I have more than 10 points?”).

— I would like you to… (also write without difficulty).

— I appreciate in you… (This is already much more difficult. “Is it possible to have less than 5 points?” It seems that they remember something: apparently, what they appreciated in each other before. But a useful question, isn’t it?).

— He doesn’t like me… He wants me… He appreciates me… (all these points go with great difficulty, people with intense interest begin to look at each other, as if for the first time …).

But we must warn you that you can’t, for example, write like “I am annoyed in you by the fact that you are an egoist.”

What is meant here? The fact that the husband likes to watch TV, and not to do homework with his son or does nothing around the house? (Or: “What will he eat in the morning, but won’t wash the dishes after himself?”) Then, please, write like that. Otherwise, what you wrote is incomprehensible, but it can hurt another.

No one has canceled the old rule: “A person cannot be criticized, only his actions can be criticized (naturally, benevolently and constructively).

Now, after fulfilling this condition, the spouses can exchange leaflets and discuss what has been written. As a rule, this causes the liveliest interest and violent emotions. Many things become discoveries for them, and if the discussion is directed in a constructive direction, it gives a lot to both.

It is clear that similar experiments can be carried out not only in family counseling and not necessarily in writing. In some simpler and more flexible form, all this can take place within the framework of a normal conversation between spouses.

For example, in the evening we are walking with my wife, and among other conversations, we can play this:

— Let me guess! You value me most of all … (And if I forget something, my wife will remind me, and I will be pleased. If I name something and meet my wife’s surprised eyes, there will be something to discuss).

— You want me to «do more with the children» — I myself want it. “I went on business trips less often” — and I want the same, but I earn money there, and money is always needed. (And to something I will answer: “No, I have my own plans”).

— You don’t like me and it’s often annoying that … (it must be accepted as immutable that in almost any, the most prosperous and loving couple, there is always something that the other doesn’t like. You shouldn’t make a secret or a problem out of this at all. «Yes, you don’t like something about me. I don’t like it about myself, but I can’t do anything. Second, you don’t like something about me. I’m struggling with this and I’m asking for your help. And the fact that you annoying this and that — these are your problems, let’s fight your irritation»).

If such conversations become a family tradition, the spouses will never be bored, and spiritual alienation will hardly threaten them.

As a rule, egocentrism is associated with egoism and is often its extreme expression. However, there are often cases when even quite altruistic people show egocentrism — for example, when parents take care of a child, trying to please him with what now pleases them, adults. “I love history books — and I will delight a child with history books!” Also egocentric…