Can parental love be too much? Probably not, but its excessive manifestations while ignoring the interests of others is the essence of the egocentric type of education. The child is perceived by parents as a supervalue, the meaning of life, an idol to which the whole way of life of the family is subordinated.
Almost everyone knows the almost caricature image of a spoiled child: a kind of rosy-cheeked strong man, whom his mother feeds from a spoon, and around him numerous relatives entertain him with jokes and jokes in the hope that he will eat another spoonful. In life, this may manifest itself differently, but boundless adoration, permissiveness and indulgence to any whims of a beloved child remain unchanged. In the family for the child there is no concept of regime, discipline, the word “no” is pronounced extremely rarely, and even then so uncertainly that it costs nothing for the child to turn it into “it is possible”. Sometimes parents make attempts to impose any restrictions or even punish the child, but very soon the feeling of guilt will make them regret what they have done: “Well, he is still small and does not understand that it is not good to take without permission and spoil other people’s things, to cause inconvenience to others with his cry , running around, whims. He is unaware that his words and deeds can offend, anger, irritate someone. And all this happens because all other feelings of parents are obscured by love for the child.
But those around — both children and adults, faced with such a king, for some reason refuse to play the role of subjects, and what causes delight and admiration at home is perceived indifferently at best. Any attempts by someone from the outside: relatives, acquaintances, educators — to make it clear that such upbringing is wrong, are met with bewilderment: “After all, we love our child and want him to have a happy childhood!” They are sincere in their desires, they really feel good; the role of parents sacrificing everything for the sake of the child, they took on voluntarily and are happy to fulfill it, no matter what madness their child comes up with.
Stubbornness: whim or point of view? Stubbornness occurs in several cases:
- as a means to get what you want. It passes if the parents serenely, that is, steadfastly and calmly, refuse the child. An indispensable condition is the fairness of the refusal, that is, it is possible to refuse what is dangerous, impossible, untimely for the child;
- as a reaction to overload — physical, intellectual or emotional. In this case, the child needs to provide a good rest;
- as an age characteristic — a manifestation of the crisis stage in the development of the child. Such stubbornness must be patiently and kindly waited out;
- as a point of view. No matter how ridiculous, unrealistic it may be, respect it. Then the child will learn to respect your point of view.
A five-year-old girl, who dreamed of celebrating the New Year, did not want to wait for the due date, no matter how they persuaded her, and grandfather had to go for the Christmas tree in November, while mom and dad, meanwhile, took out decorations and hung garlands.
The favorite game of another inventor was to «hide» all relatives in numerous closets, and then look for them. The family had fun with this game every evening, and the boy was unaware that his grandmother had just come home from work, and his mother had a headache.
In such a family, some “talent” will definitely be revealed in the child and they will develop it with all their might. This will take a lot of time, money, and, perhaps, parents will deny themselves the most elementary, easily buying for the child everything that they consider necessary for his development. The mother of one girl admitted that she had not done her hair in a hairdresser for several years, but she takes her daughter to have her hair cut in a good, expensive salon. “Let a girl get used to good things from an early age, because she is a future woman. In addition, she is so beautiful, ”my mother explained her behavior. It is difficult to say what kind of woman this girl will become, if all her childhood next to her is a tortured mother who has given up on herself.
With the advent of a child, parents (especially mothers) decide that now their life belongs entirely to the baby and they need to forget about their hobbies, habits, and acquaintances. Some find it impossible to continue their studies and quit their jobs. Perhaps, for some limited period of time, such decisions are justified, because the child is still too small, but the whole trouble is that a return to the old life is not expected, the woman is completely absorbed by the role of the mother.
It is difficult to imagine an egocentric type of upbringing in a large family. Basically, these are families in which one child grows up, surrounded by a large number of adults. Often such an attitude towards a child is introduced by a grandmother, when the appearance of a grandson or granddaughter gives her life a new meaning.
Ksyusha is a precocious and well-fed girl. For the first time, the whole family brought her to kindergarten — dad, mom and grandmother. Grandfather was left at the exit to guard the sled. The girl hastily took off her clothes in the locker room and confidently went to examine the group. It immediately became clear that Ksyusha did not know how to ask and negotiate. She only demanded, in case of refusal she became irritable and aggressive. The teachers softened the situation as best they could, urged the children to give in to the new one, to be hospitable and kind. But soon their patience ran out. Three days later, Ksyusha was punished for taking the toy from the girl and pushing it. In response, a hysteria followed, which continued until the arrival of the grandmother. The angry grandmother grabbed her sobbing granddaughter and ran to the manager to «show things off.»
The next day, Ksyusha was not taken to the kindergarten, but her mother came to see a preschool psychologist. She, unlike her grandmother, came not with a scandal, but with her misfortune. Ksyusha was born when her parents were barely 18 years old. Grandmothers completely took care of the young family and the newborn granddaughter. Mom was persuaded to leave the institute, inspired that now her life should belong only to the child. She tried her best to become a good mother and earn the approval of her own mother. The child didn’t know anything. Ksyusha spoiled and broke expensive things, and feeding the child turned into a theater where each adult played his role.
Young parents tried to be firm and introduce at least some restrictions. On this basis, quarrels with the older generation became more frequent. And finally, the parents decided to send Ksyusha to kindergarten and do everything necessary to live separately with their family.
In dealing with adults, each of us at least once encountered an example of infantilism and selfishness. Such a person can be sweet, charming and friendly, but it is enough to get to know him better, as any desire to communicate will disappear. Employees of the company during a collective lunch watched how a young girl — a new employee, chatting cheerfully, ate everything delicious from the table, and put the rest in her purse — “I love sweets so much, I’ll finish it in the evening …” At the same time, she behaved like this, as if those around her should rejoice at her excellent appetite and excellent mood. But an outsider can be “put in their place” or simply avoid such situations, but what if a person close to you was brought up in this way? It must be said that this behavior will flourish if there is someone nearby who has volunteered to take on the role of an enthusiastic parent.
In the lives of people adored in childhood, severe stress and tragedy often occur. The situation that others cope with faster can cause depression or a nervous breakdown in this person. Children’s illusions about the fact that everyone loves you turn into bewilderment and disappointment. Inability to adapt to life can be expressed in the absolute inability to take care of yourself, not to mention those around you. When such people have children, they can repeat the parental scenario in raising children or, on the contrary, they will be indifferent, indifferent, capricious if they perceive the baby as a rival. The only way to learn to live harmoniously with others is to learn elementary lessons such as “know how to share”, “think about your neighbor”, “rejoice because you brought joy to another”. It is better, of course, if they are mastered in childhood, so that undivided parental love does not turn into pain later.
Recommendations for parents
- Assess the degree of your parental care. Perhaps you continue to care for your child in the same way as you did a few years ago when he was still young. Over time, your behavior has become automatic, you do not really think about what you are doing. For example, tie your child’s shoelaces or clean up toys after him, dress him up, or even continue to grind food, although your child already has a full set of teeth! Such guardianship is taken for granted by the child, his chances of becoming independent are small. Think about what he is not yet able to do, and give him help, but let him do what is accessible and feasible. Soften his possible protest, explain that he is already big and can handle himself. And most importantly, drive away all remorse and pity when your child is capricious and requires help.
- Remember how often you feel sorry for your child. He hit, his peers offended him, he lost at chess, they didn’t let him tell a rhyme at the holiday … His sad eyes, pity, tears make you want to help, console with something. These feelings are familiar to many parents. But what actions are they pushing you to take? Maybe you are very active in defending his rights and very frankly express your pity? Then, probably, you will go to deal with the offenders, you will insist on leniency towards your child; playing along and pretending to avoid his losses. But any manifestation of pity for a child makes him helpless and weak. Life situations do not teach him to cope with difficulties on his own, and the most important lesson that he successfully learns is “You must complain to your parents.” Pity differs from sympathy in that it does not aim the person at solving the problem. In case of any difficulty, let the child know that you sympathize with him, but are confident in him and in his strength.
- It’s time to take care of yourself! Remember what hobbies you had before having a child. Or maybe you look with envy at people playing football, visiting exhibitions and concert halls, or just walking around? Believe that if you devote some time to yourself, your friends and hobbies, nothing will happen to the child. On the contrary, he will have the opportunity to communicate with other adults (after all, you won’t leave him unattended!). And the sight of a happy mom or a happy dad will become an indicator for the child that life is interesting. While your child is still small and you are young and full of energy, learn for yourself and teach him to live his life. You should not persuade yourself that, apart from the child, you are not interested in anything and the baby really needs you. Over time, this will turn into reproaches and mutual insults, or your excessive affection will become a fortress wall between you and the whole world around you.
- Do not let your child offend other people, hurt them, humiliate them. It all starts small: a touching baby beats his mother with his chubby palm, and shouts to his grandfather: “You are bad!”, in front of adults, cuts off the flowers planted by his grandmother, and soils his father’s suit with dirty feet. And everyone around is laughing, watching his pranks with tenderness, or simply trying to distract, bribe, pretend that nothing is happening. If you are now reaping the fruits of such an upbringing, then very decisive actions and consistency in the behavior of adults will help correct the situation. Tell the child that he is doing bad things, but rather show the feelings that you experience: “I am very offended when you take and spoil my things” or “It seems to me that you offended my grandfather.” Such phrases will let the child understand that he hurts others, causes inconvenience, does something wrong.
- Switch roles with your child. At least sometimes give him the opportunity to show his care, help you, comfort, sympathize. After all, you have moments when you want it, why not get attention from your child? But for this it is necessary to learn how to address the child with a request and speak openly about your desires. Not to hint, not to demand, namely to ask. Bring a glass of water, draw the curtains, turn off the music when Mommy has a headache, put Daddy’s wet shoes out to dry, leave something tasty for Grandma — even a preschooler can do it. Perhaps the child himself will think of doing something similar. Appreciate his deed without loud enthusiasm and rewards in return, just thank and say that you are pleased. Let him learn not only to take, but also to give and feel joy from this.
- Stop sacrificing for the sake of the child and in a big way — work, career, communication, hobbies, and the little things — shopping, your favorite show, time to take care of yourself. Everything is fine when in moderation, but denying yourself a handful of berries or a glass of juice, saying that vitamins are for a child, is probably not worth it. And if the family budget does not allow you to buy a lot of everything, then it is still worth sharing the delicacies among all family members. In this case, the child will get, of course, less delicious food, but he will gain something more — he will learn to share and appreciate the pleasure of a small family joy. Whenever you do something for a child, ask yourself, what do you want? Adults also have their own list of needs that must be met. And why did you decide that the next toys for a child are more important than new tights for mom or a magazine for dad? If you easily spend money on a child and for a long time cannot decide on the smallest purchase for yourself, then you should think about and change your behavior before your child has turned into a demanding egoist.