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Even if you consider yourself a communication genius, you are unlikely to achieve all your goals in a conversation. Practical psychologists suggest using several non-obvious strategies that can make the dialogue informative, as honest as possible and useful for both parties.
1. Help the other person
Remember that the interlocutor usually experiences the same difficulties in a conversation as you. Most likely, he will be grateful if you make it easier for him: if he beats around the bush on a topic that he does not dare to touch, offer to talk about what he cares about. Help the conversation move forward – ask what he thinks and feels, what decisions came to his mind.
Divide the conversation into stages, pronouncing the main idea of each semantic segment when you want to change the topic a little: “I understand. So, it means that you are unhappy that no one appreciates your merits. Tell me, what can we do to improve the situation? Watch the other person’s reaction to these “interim results”: if he nods in agreement, then the conversation is moving in the right direction. If he protests and says that he has been misunderstood, do not force your wording – let him formulate it himself.
2. Ask
The best way to get the information you need is to ask directly. We love to think for others, as if we know what is in the other’s head. This is a dangerous illusion: double-check your understanding of the situation by asking directly. The course of the conversation depends on well-chosen questions. You should not evaluate the results of the conversation only on the data received.
First of all, value your opinion, while not denying the usefulness and objectivity of the interlocutor’s opinion.
“You can learn from any conversation useful information,” says Alan Barker, managing director of a consulting company dedicated to the development of creativity and communication skills. – For example, even without receiving unambiguous answers, we understand how honest the interlocutor is with us or how competent. Use the so-called “open questions” that do not require a “yes or no” answer: they help the interlocutor share his thoughts, exposing the logic of his reasoning. “What would you do in my place?” or “Where do you think the error is?”
3. Show respect
The self-confidence and self-respect that a person demonstrates in a dialogue helps him make an impression, feel like the master of the conversation. It is important to observe the measure – if you are trying to suppress the interlocutor, a productive conversation will not work. That’s why it’s so important to respect yourself without putting others down. What does this mean?
“Above all, value your opinion, without denying the usefulness and objectivity of the interlocutor’s opinion,” says Gregory Baker, writer. – Talk about your needs and desires, not imposing them on others, but “selling” – explaining why your position will be beneficial for everyone. Let the interlocutor express his opinion – and if you do not agree with him, justify why, and do not get off with a decisive and peremptory “no”. Remember that a self-respecting person does not raise his tone by entering into a skirmish.
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4. Turn negative emotions into positive ones
There is already enough negativity in life: trying to discuss “sores” and problems in a conversation with others, you risk scaring off all the interlocutors. Find something positive in any subject of conversation: if you tell a subordinate about low sales, build a conversation on how to increase them. If you’re asking for a raise, don’t talk about your plight, but about what you’re doing for the company (with specific examples).
Even George Orwell noted how easily politicians manipulate the audience, replacing negative facts with euphemisms: for example, calling the bombings “peacekeeping”, raising taxes “optimization of financial policy”, and violation of the law “bringing constitutional order”. Of course, one should not compete with demagogues in cynicism, but it is worth choosing the right words.
5. Stop talking
Taking a break in time is one of the best communication strategies. It is indispensable when a conversation is carried out by several interlocutors – for example, during a brainstorming session or discussing a complex work problem. Let others talk and listen for yourself, intervening only when it seems to you that the conversation has veered off topic. It is easier to moderate a conversation if you manage to distance yourself somewhat from it, not to allow yourself to be emotionally involved in the general mood.
“And if the passions in the conversation have reached a fever pitch, this strategy is truly invaluable – seeing that you are not trying to defend yourself, the interlocutor will be able to contain the rising degree of his emotional state,” explains John Maxwell, evangelist pastor. When the tone and content of the speech is constructive again, you can return to the discussion. Temporarily “disconnecting” from the conversation will allow you to maintain a calm and clear mind, so important for a productive dialogue.