It is safer and more efficient to raise a child with a “carrot”, says psychologist Alan Kazdin. The “whip” is not suitable for these purposes, it only temporarily eases the parental burden, poisoning the lives of children.
When parents come to me who do not know what to do with their children, I tell them: “Relax! Anything happens.» All the kids throw tantrums. And absolutely everyone from time to time brings adults to white heat. Children’s behavior is a vinaigrette of habits, traits, and patterns. Habits and patterns are never too late to change.
When a parent yells at a child or slaps him on the bottom, he admits that he cannot influence his son or daughter in any other way. Punishments don’t tell you what to do, and they don’t give extra points for the desired behavior, which is the main way to learn.
It is useless to have long conversations with a child in a situation where a five-year-old is bludgeoning her younger sister with anything. No need to come up and try to exhort: “Darling, don’t beat your little sister, she is hurt, unpleasant and scared. You’re smart, don’t hit me!» It is useful to give arguments, it changes the child’s way of thinking, develops his thinking, but, unfortunately, does not change his behavior. The only sure way is to reinforce the good behavior you would like to see in your child. Then it will quickly displace the «bad».
It is important for children to be able to make a choice, they get drunk from the feeling that they can decide something
Suppose you are going somewhere and tell your daughter: “Get dressed. We have to go». Or: «Let’s get ready quickly, otherwise we’ll be late.» Speak strictly, in a tone that does not tolerate objections. But she starts to act up and resist or run from you around the apartment. And you start to get annoyed, but it would be better to say affectionately: “Honey, put on a blue sweater or an orange blouse. We’re going out, okay?»
It is important for children to be able to make a choice, they get drunk on the feeling that they can decide something. When the child starts to gather, praise him. Next time it will be assembled much faster.
No less acute moments are lessons and cleaning in the apartment. The child constantly forgets about them, puts it off for later. Most parents remind about unpleasant duties once, twice, a third time, then they begin to boil up, threaten, punish. But the «reminders» don’t work either. They make a child run away from a person who repeats the same thing over and over.
Ask him once politely and correctly: «Clean up your room, please.» If he fulfills your request, be sure to praise him or reward him in some way. Don’t save your kind words for when everything is done. Cheer at the very beginning of the cleaning, then after the table has been cleared, then after he has vacuumed or swept the floor. Every time he gets down to business. Over time, cleaning will not cause hostility in him, and maybe even bring pleasure.
Just like you once taught him to walk. You praised him. Here he, swaying, stood up: «Good girl!» Then he took a timid step, holding on to your finger: “Look, our baby has gone!” Although, of course, it was still very far from “walking”. But you gradually formed a habit with him, encouraging at each stage.
This principle can be applied to any complex behavior. Never be afraid to praise your child. Just learn to do it right. It would not be very true to repeat: “You are so smart! So beautiful! So talented!» For a son or daughter, it is more important when you evaluate his or her actions in a positive way: “Listen, you just played Bach incredibly!” Or: «Both dad and I are delighted with your pie.»
If the child feels your confidence, it will be easier to educate him and no “whip” is required.
An example of misplaced praise is when you pair a kind word with a negative comment. “It’s good that you hung the uniform in the closet instead of throwing it on the sofa like you usually do.”
Another way to reinforce your “desired” behavior is to introduce a prize system. You can evaluate this or that action of the child with glasses, emoticons, asterisks. And when a certain amount “runs up”, offer him to choose a prize — for example, a toy from a bag with gifts. Or go to the cinema or an amusement park with him. For a teenager, the prize may be some important purchase for him, for example, a new smartphone.
Be your child’s authority. The problem with many parents is that they are not sure of their own authority. Trust yourself, be consistent in your actions. If the child feels your confidence, it will be much easier to educate him and no “whip” is required.