Not loving your child is unnatural. Any society, regardless of moral principles, religion, culture, with condemnation refers to mothers — «cuckoos», fathers who do not recognize their children. But there are still abandoned and unloved children, and variants of parental rejection — this is what we are talking about — can occur in a different, less pronounced form.
A child who is a source of disappointment and irritation for his parents is even outwardly different from other children. Not finding manifestations of love from loved ones, he will try hard to get them from other adults: an ingratiating look, the desire to please, please, take an adult by the hand, get on his knees. However, it also happens differently. The kid, who has not known affection and tenderness from birth, completely rejects anything like that on the part of adults. His attitude to the world is hostile, he is aggressive, withdrawn, indifferent. But everything described refers to the extreme variants of the manifestation of rejection. It can be observed in socially disadvantaged families by parents who do not read articles like this one and do not think about education at all.
Meanwhile, rejection is also found in ordinary, outwardly prosperous families. This type of upbringing is inherent in those parents for whom the birth of a child was initially undesirable. The reasons are very different: one of the spouses was against the birth of a child or the family was on the verge of a divorce, perhaps the young spouses experienced financial difficulties, the pregnancy was not planned. The baby was born, and he is already unloved. Disappointment in the child may come later. For example, the birth of a girl, when everyone was expecting a boy, a physical defect, embarrassing «ugliness» of the child, when he «does not know whom», a capricious, neurotic child who, with his endless screams, infuriates his parents.
Sometimes temporary rejection is replaced by acceptance and even adoration. Parents also change, “ripen”, grow wiser. Accidental, early pregnancy, difficult delivery with complications for the mother can inhibit parental feelings when the mother is experiencing psychological and physiological stress. For a father, the birth of a child and disappointment in him can also be a big shock. And it is likely that after a while he will hug and kiss his daughter, whom he did not want to take in his arms until recently.
One woman suffered years of guilt over refusing to breastfeed her son after a difficult birth. For a whole week she cried and did not even want to see the child, but after her physical condition improved, she accepted the baby and later became a caring and loving mother. Guilt did not allow her to live in peace, and another distortion began in her upbringing — she tried to make amends for her in front of her son with all her might. Her torment ended after she learned that the same thing happens to many women. Nature, apparently, makes sure that the woman survives, restores her strength, then the child can also survive. And the feeling of motherhood wakes up later, when the issue of survival has already been resolved.
But it also happens differently. Outwardly caring, «decent» parents give the child both time and effort, but only the methods of education are bewildering. Constant control, all kinds of punishments — from physical to more severe — moral, after which forgiveness may come, but there is never repentance on the part of the parents. It seems to them that with this child it is impossible to do otherwise. Irritation and annoyance are caused by his behavior, appearance, actions, habits, character traits. The child is called «unlucky», «loose», «stupid», «armless». Parents are trying to remake the child, to fit him to the standard that they consider right.
Pavlik is a phlegmatic, inhibited boy with a whole bunch of diseases. Especially the child is tormented by neurodermatitis. During exacerbations, he becomes irritable, capricious, sleeps poorly, refuses to follow any instructions from adults. Educators treat Pavlik with understanding, they try to distract and at least somehow alleviate the boy’s suffering. He gets along especially well with Lyudmila Ivanovna, an elderly, patient teacher who raised three sons. Pavlik is changing in communication with her literally before our eyes. When a boy is tormented by severe itching, she wraps him in a blanket and begins to rock him, whispering tender words in his ear or telling a fairy tale. Pavlik calms down, calms down, his behavior becomes more balanced, and even his physical well-being improves significantly. But once Pavlik spends two days off at home, everything repeats.
Elena, Pavlik’s mother, recently separated from his father. The divorce was lengthy, with scandals, division of property and housing. But the parents did not share Pavlik — the father did not make any claims and object to his son staying with his mother. When the storm subsided and Lena was left alone with the boy, she suddenly realized with horror that, having got rid of her hated husband, she received his exact copy in the face of her son. Lena was irritated by everything in her son — both his slowness, and his manner of speaking, the habit, like his father, of shuffling his feet when walking, facial features and facial expressions. The mother lashed out at her son for nothing and justified her behavior by saying that she wants to “make a man” out of him. Flank soreness added fuel to the fire. Referring to employment, the mother sent the child to a round-the-clock kindergarten, and later sent her to live with her grandmother, her former mother-in-law, for a long time. Separation from the mother had a very favorable effect on the child. The grandmother reminded the boy of his beloved teacher, and the old woman did not look for the soul in her only grandson. Life will show how the fate of the boy and his family will develop in the future, but the rejection of the mother may leave an indelible mark on her.
R. Campbell: “An adult can simply know on a rational level that he loves his child, but this is not enough for a child, because he is irrational, it is not enough for him just to know that his parents love him, he needs to see the expression of this love (no matter how old he is). It is very easy to make it clear to the child that he is loved, that he is loved — it is quite affectionate and tender to look into the eyes of the child when you talk to him or listen to him. After all, we often look a child in the eyes only when we scold him … «. You can read more about this in the article «How to love children.»
Possible reasons for the rejection of parents include the tragedy of their own childhood. Not all those who grew up in orphanages or children from dysfunctional families become such parents, but often rejection occurs precisely among these people. Not having received in childhood the parental love that is so necessary for every child, or having received it in a perverted form, growing up, they are simply not able to show and experience this feeling in relation to their own children. The reasons for rejection are individual, but they always exist.
Kindergarten teachers were perplexed by the attitude of one mother towards her three-year-old daughter — sometimes indifferently cold, sometimes demanding, intolerant. Very rarely, the mother smiled at the child, even less often — kissed and picked up. In the psychologist’s office, the woman burst into tears and admitted that guilt prevents her from loving her little daughter. The fact is that not so long ago a little girl, her first daughter, died in this family. When the mother was in a state of grief and shock, it turned out that she was pregnant. There was neither the strength nor the desire to do anything, and the woman gave birth to an unplanned, «accidental» child. At the time, she didn’t seem to realize what was going on. But the appearance of the girl became for her a symbol of betrayal of the memory of her daughter. Relatives hoped that this would pass with time, but years passed, and the mother could not recover from her grief and perceived the girl not as a gift of fate, but as her great sin.
Rejection in the family may be directed at one of the children, the one who, in the opinion of parents, loses in comparison with a brother or sister. The example of Ivanushka the Fool, the youngest son in the family, unfortunately, is found not only in fairy tales. Comparison is always fatal for any child. It seems to adults that if a stupid, absent-minded, sluggish person is compared with a smart and successful one, then this will only benefit the former. But the child very subtly feels the difference in attitude and draws his disappointing conclusion: “They love me less …”
Fortunately, rejection in the family is rarely global. The father does not love the child, but the mother adores and pities, or there is a loving grandmother, or an absolutely stranger will give his support and warmth to the baby — a teacher, a neighbor, a distant relative.
The consequences of such upbringing always affect the character, attitude to life, behavior of the child, and later on the adult. Various kinds of neurotic manifestations and neuroses are an indicator that they are trying to remake a child, “break” his nature and deprive him of love. Unconscious, but very strong attitudes towards life, which are formed in childhood, do not allow later to create a full-fledged family: “Love is pain”, “I am not worthy of love”, “The world is hostile to me”. In general, it makes no sense to talk about all the consequences, they always exist, and the severity depends on the degree of rejection and the individual characteristics of the child himself.
Recommendations for parents
- If you catch yourself in a hostile attitude towards your own child, try to understand the reasons. Those claims that you make against him are only a consequence, the cause is always deeper. You should not think that if the child begins to do everything faster and more correctly at your request, your irritation will disappear. There will be another reason. It’s not about the baby, it’s about you and your feelings. Recognize it. Admit that you are angry, or maybe you don’t love your child. Find a «point of reference» — when it started. Perhaps your rejection was provoked by the age crisis of the child, or maybe it has always been, from the very moment the baby was born. Recognizing the fact that the problem is not in the child, but in you is already a step towards its solution, and the analysis of the reasons will finally make the problem conscious.
- Learn to neutralize your negative feelings. It is not necessary to show aggression towards the child. There are a lot of tricks when the anger that has arisen finds its way out, and no one suffers. Psychologists recommend in this state to shout and perform some energetic action. At home, first of all, isolate yourself — go to another room. If soundproofing allows, you can swear loudly, hit something soft with your fist, tear up an old newspaper. Any intense physical work or sports activity will also bring relief. But all these measures are only «ambulance», they help in emergency cases, but do not cure.
- Remember your childhood, your childhood grievances and joys, remember both the good and the bad. When you get a chance to be alone, look at your childhood photos. This little girl (or boy) dreamed about something, thought, felt, wanted something. Perhaps the same thing is happening now with your child. If you have at least some feelings in relation to your childish image, then you are able to experience them with a child. Perhaps your problems lie in the fact that you yourself want to remain a small child, receive care, affection, attention, and the role of a father or mother is filled with negative meaning for you. Try to give yourself what you missed as a child: treat yourself, let yourself be given a gift, convince yourself of your uniqueness. In each of us there is a “offended child” and a “wise parent”. Maybe you only see a child?
- Perhaps you are just very tired. A life filled with worries, lack of money and time, health problems, with housing, work, and as a result — melancholy, irritability, indifference. Against the background of all this — a child with his own needs for care and love. Stop, do a soul-searching. After all, what your baby is not getting right now will affect not only his life, but also yours in the future.
- Ask for help. The position of a professional psychologist, unlike the people around you, is always priceless. Everything that is hard for you to admit, including negative feelings towards the child, will be accepted without condemnation and lectures. This person will help you deal with relationships and yourself, and — most importantly — will help you work with feelings.
- If you decide that “you can’t command your heart,” then treat your child from the standpoint of the mind. Evaluate your actions and deeds, and if you were wrong, tell your child about it. Even someone to whom you do not feel love and affection, you can praise, support, find common activities and topics for communication. Attention is not love, but it is better than indifference. Give your child the opportunity to communicate with those who love him. It may be better if you live apart, but at the same time the child should not think that you have got rid of him. Try to visit the child, give him gifts, call, spend the weekend together.
Perhaps time will pass, and something will change in your relationship. After all, not only children grow and change, but also adults.