Education War

Once at home with the whole family, many of us found that this is not at all a joy. Some had no idea what to do when they were together 24/7, while others seemed to know how to entertain the child and what to do when they themselves needed to work, but still they were exhausted: “What else to read to him, show him what to play? »

And also this unbearable study at a distance! And how do teachers have the patience? Irritation, anger, fatigue, impotence… Many parents faced this and were horrified by their own feelings. Someone could not restrain himself, shouted and cursed, and even used a belt.

And few people thought about what daughters and sons, grandchildren and granddaughters, nieces and nephews experience at the same time.

How are they given a suddenly changed life? What is it like to master the new mode of education? What fears do they have because of the “terrible virus”? What future do they see in our eyes, sometimes frightened and sad? What did they learn about us during our joint imprisonment, and how can we love each other after leaving isolation?

Notice the familiar dictation style

Here is a girl playing in the nursery. Mom says in a calm tone several times that it’s time to go to dinner. The daughter does not respond. Having lost her patience, her mother grabs her by the scruff of the neck and drags her towards the table. How does her daughter feel about it? She does not understand why her mother suddenly became angry. She is scared, hurt, hurt and unbearably lonely.

Or another typical scene. The child is reprimanded for a bad grade or untidy things. Households crowded around. Dad brings him up in front of his brothers and sisters, calling him a stupid, ignorant, shame of the family. The child begins to cry, for which he gets even more. What does he feel? He is scared, he is angry, confused, and he is also ashamed – because others are watching him cry and how he is scolded.

Oddly enough, the parents themselves do not feel any better. The scenario of child abuse usually develops according to the same pattern: annoying situation – aggressive reaction (action) – guilt – desire to make amends for it.

Children suffer not only in dysfunctional families, but also in the most ordinary ones, and parents often do not even suspect that their behavior inflicts emotional trauma on the child, psychologist Maria Kholodtsova believes: “What is meant by abuse? To simplify somewhat, here we mean situations and methods of education in which the personality of the child is suppressed.

Overwhelmed with worries, parents often break down on their children, raise their voices. It’s destructive to the relationship and bad for the baby.”

The emotional deafness of parents, especially during difficult periods of change and crisis (and self-isolation is just such), knocks out from under the child’s feet a basic sense of stability and security. Some parents have a stereotype that caressing, pitying the child, we make him too tender, unsuitable for adult life.

This is fundamentally wrong, Maria Kholodtsova is convinced. Pitying, showing sympathy for the child, when he is hurt, lonely, scared or sad, we lay in him trust in the world.

Shouting, aggression is a sign of impotence, since a parent who is able to reasonably convince a child that he is right will not spend so much emotional energy on non-constructive behavior. Also, being peremptory is not the best way to communicate, and not only with children.

Many parents forbid their children to play on the computer. “If you forbid something, it is important to explain why it is impossible or inappropriate, to talk about your feelings (for example, about worrying about a child), to enter into a dialogue with him, to listen to what he is ready to offer, to try to find a solution that suits both, – says the psychologist. “It may be difficult, but it will be a step towards each other.”

Recognize that the strategy is ineffective

When confronted with “problematic” behavior in children, all parents make mistakes, says psychotherapist Sean Grover.

Here are five of the most common ones: blaming the partner for the “ugly” behavior of the child (“It’s your upbringing!”); shame, criticize children, lecture them; relying too heavily on punishment; dictate rules without discussion; model impulsive or disrespectful behavior.

Such mistakes lead to aggravation of conflicts. Even worse, if parents continue to insist on their own, refusing to admit that the strategy is ineffective.

How to improve family relationships and lay a solid foundation for the well-being of the child in the future?

The answer is simple: recognize that the current relationship format is unacceptable and establish healthy communication. Its important part is the modeling of positive behavior. The style and language of communication chosen by parents has a strong influence on children. Family members should never insult each other. And in no case should not resort to corporal punishment.

“We talk a lot about the need to teach children from an early age to say “no” to those who try to touch them without permission, to recognize and be able to defend the boundaries of their body.

If physical punishment is practiced in the family, all this talk about zones and the right to say “no” is devalued, emphasizes psychotherapist Inga Green. “A child cannot learn to say no to strangers if he does not have the right to privacy in his own family, at home.”

If a loved one uses their physical advantage to establish power, this undermines the child’s trust and sets a bad example: the child may show aggression towards those who are weaker.

But it can be so difficult to stop your hand raised for a slap … “At this moment, the emotions of the parents go off scale, anger is overwhelmed by a wave,” continues psychologist Zoya Zvyagintseva. – It seems that nothing terrible will happen: we will spank the naughty kid, and he will understand what is possible and what is not.

Physical violence works as a way to stop unwanted behavior only in the short term, but in the long term it kills parent-child relationships, affects the development of the volitional and emotional part of the psyche, and inhibits the development of the intellect.

Parental authority does not depend on the fear that children experience, but on the degree of trust in us, on the ability to talk and even in the most difficult situations to count on our help. No need to destroy it with physical violence, calls Zoya Zvyagintseva.

What to do if “suffered”?

But what if we think that the child is behaving badly?

Talk, understand the causes of behavior and, most importantly, do not lose contact and trust. “It will not be easy, but when you accept the challenge, the children will follow you,” said Sean Grover. Thanks to this, the child learns to understand emotions, weigh decisions, and acquires the skills of peaceful conflict resolution.

We always transfer the experience of our childhood to communication with our own child. Stereotypes of aggressive behavior are not easy to break. But you have to start somewhere. Here is what Maria Kholodtsova suggests.

Take care of yourself. A healthy lifestyle, hobbies, sports… If we don’t have the strength for ourselves, where can we get them for a child?

Realize what annoys us the most in a child, at what moments? When we know the “trigger” of our aggression, it is easier to control it.

Saying “stop” to yourself: when you feel that you are starting up, take a deep breath and reformulate what you wanted to say – softer, more careful, more accessible for the child.

Every time we manage to express our dissatisfaction in a more acceptable way, we celebrate it.

We are looking for classes where we and the child feel good and interesting together. It can be a joint walk, watching an interesting program, going to the skating rink, needlework and creativity (especially in the confined space of an apartment).

Gradually, these joyful moments will be more and more.