Education through no

Parents, lacking in authority?

Too “cool” parents today?

Clearly, children’s education has evolved, and “new generation” parents no longer seem to have the final say. Fear of conflict, guilt at imposing rules, not wanting to make your child experience his own frustrations at the same age… there are many reasons that today lead families to give up on education. For parents who work a lot, adopting a permissive attitude is also a way of not spoiling the only moments spent with their child. Others, by fatigue or saving time, no longer want to fight against their adored toddler. Morality: they no longer manage to impose limits, which are nevertheless essential in education.

To educate is to dare to say no

Rest assured: the bans allow children to have real points of reference, to make them understand what is acceptable and what is not. In short, they are there for their own good! It begins at an early age, when parents lay the first rules for safety, then for social and family life.

The trap in all of this is to no longer believe in the legitimacy of imposing such limits. So inevitably, as smart as they are, the cherubim feel their parents doubt and take the opportunity to make them see all the colors … Remember: a limit must appear insurmountable in their eyes.

Is blackmail in fashion?

Some parents in lack of authority turn, consciously or unconsciously, to blackmail, the easy solution par excellence. Be careful, this practice harms toddlers more often than you think. To monetize with them such or such behavior, it is in a way to ask their agreement: “If you are wise, you will have a gift, ok? “. In these situations, the child realizes that he can be rewarded for adopting a “normal” behavior, whereas he is not supposed to be! He must be able to listen to his parents without counterpart. Likewise, blackmail allows him to take power, destructive for his age. It is not for him to decide, he has plenty of time for that …

Forbid to help it grow

Far from bullying children as some might think, giving them limits, on the contrary, helps them to build themselves up. Obviously, the role of parents is not to impose a list of constraints, at the risk of suffocating their offspring. Rather, it is a matter of firmly laying down rules, essential to one’s psychological and emotional development. Certainly, they slow down an immediate desire, but they also allow toddlers to move forward. What could be better than educational limits to help them forge an identity and lead them to make choices in life?

To set limits is to love him

Many parents give up imposing their authority for fear of losing their toddler’s love. However, authority and love are complementary. Thanks to prohibitions, a child feels more loved and protected. When a decision is made rightly, the constraint is only superficial for him. He feels that his parents are guiding him and that reassures him. You should know that imposing rules of conduct is the only way to be loving and structuring.

A taste of the real world

That’s how it is, children are as if subjected to a kind of pleasure addiction. It is therefore difficult for them to resist all the temptations that surround them! They want this, they want that… and hope to achieve their ends. Of course, parents are there to meet their needs, but also to protect them from these overwhelming impulses. Saying STOP to these non-essential desires is essential, even if it means a little frustration. These deprivations make it possible to put the cherubim back in reality, because, in life, you cannot have everything …

Contrary to popular belief, child kings are distressed by their omnipotence. As they grow up, many are unable to endure the prohibitions of society. Hence the importance of preparing them from an early age.

Conflict, a necessary step

Unfortunately, just lifting the stop sign is not enough for a child to obey. Faced with the imposed limits, toddlers rebel… naturally. It is then up to the parents to resist, while accepting the refusal of authority of their dear blond heads, in full learning. By saying to themselves, “My child must obey me at all costs”, adults risk responding violently to transgressions, which would discredit their authority. This is why it is better to listen to your child and try to understand the reasons for his refusal.

Note: toddlers live in the moment and hardly appreciate change. This is why it is important to set up a transition time: “I’ll give you 5 minutes to play and then go to bed!” Parents can thus be accommodating, while remaining firm and consistent on the essentials.

Punish the better to be obeyed?

Cries, blackmail … faced with the excesses of children, parents have their weapons. These defense reactions mark the helplessness of adults in the face of the attitude of their cherubs. Firmly and calmly setting boundaries may be enough, but when parents are dealing with some really tough heads, sometimes the tone rises and the punishment drops! Emotion then takes precedence over education.

Françoise Dolto, a famous psychoanalyst, believed that there could be some benefit in anger. For her, a parent who could endure everything without getting angry would appear to the child as a frightening being because of his omnipotence. Concerning the punishments, they are, according to the child psychiatrist Patrick Delaroche, essential because they give importance to the prohibition in the event of transgression.

Educating is also communicating

When a child crosses the line, it is important to explain to them why you got angry, and why they are being punished. It is good to calmly but firmly remind him of the limits you have set for him, as well as his place in relation to adults. In short, he must know who is in charge.

He’s having his teenage crisis!

The adolescent crisis, all parents dread. In this tumultuous period, young people systematically oppose to show their families that they are growing and asserting themselves. Parents must therefore be extra patient. The most appropriate solution would certainly be to give up superfluous limits, while maintaining the essential rules contributing to parental responsibility. We should not be more severe, but more present. Advice from pediatrician Edwige Antier: “Adults should provide emotional and academic support without being too heavy and intrusive. Always recognize the strengths of your child and avoid moral lessons against which he is immune. “

Dad, Mum: everyone has their own role

At the time of our grandparents, the father embodied the image of authority, and the mother, that of tenderness. Today, for the psychoanalyst Claude Halmos, there is no longer a hierarchy between the two parents, their authority is complementary! Concretely, the father constitutes an important point of support for the mother: he holds the function of a third party (like that of the police officer in society). When a mother cannot make herself heard and then threatens to tell the father, the little recalcitrant quickly understand that she has a recourse …

For the pediatrician Edwige Antier, on the other hand, it is not a question of sex, but of temperament: “There are parents who have natural authority and whose only voice is effective, others must negotiate”.

Three books, to help you regain your authority

Should we be more severe with our children, Ed. Mordicus, Edwige Antier and Aldo Nouari

There is no perfect parent, Ed. Marabout, Isabelle Filliozat

My child is opposed, what to say, what to do?, Ed. Odile Jacob, Gisèle George

10 key answers about authority

Why do children today find it difficult to respect limits?

“Parental couples have ties that are threatened or weakened by separations and professional pressure. Consequently, the relations between the child and his parents are both anxious and discontinuous, which does not favor authority. “

Are we in a period of parental authority crisis?

“Yes, because the child is at the center of society, the only element of faith in the future. “

Does permissive education allow the child to flourish?

“Not permissive education, but rather education that respects the development of the child. And that requires availability. “

Is severity necessary for a good education?

” Not at all. What is really needed is serenity. “

How to react when a child behaves abusively and refuses authority?

“You have to stay calm, tell him that we understand that he can have desires, but also explain to him that we cannot satisfy them. “

From what age should you establish your authority?

“Authority is conquered from birth, by adjusting to the needs of the child. Of course, up to 3 years old, he has acquired your values ​​and acts in the direction that you have shown him by sharing his discoveries. “

After this age can we say that it is too late to establish an authority?

“If, at the age of 3, he has acquired the habit of successfully provoking cries and slaps, it will be difficult to re-establish a serene authority. You will then have to regain your serenity and openly decide not to type any more. Diversion or exclusion for a few minutes are still the most effective attitudes. “

What is the best way to impose prohibitions and how do you know if this or that rule is a good limit?

“We must not want to set unjustified limits, and make a good balance between desires (which we cannot always fulfill) and needs (vital for its development). Once the ban has been assessed, create a diversion: “No, but we can do this…! “. If he really persists: “I’m tired, but you can make your anger in your room”. It is absolutely necessary to avoid spanking and screaming which hardens children. “

How to manage authority in a single-parent family? Are children tougher?                                                                                                                                                  

“In a single-parent family, authority seems simpler until adolescence, when the crisis can be more complicated to manage. Children can in fact be hardened by parental separation or non-recognition by the other parent. “

What advice would you give parents so that they don’t feel guilty about imposing rules?

“Have thought carefully about not imposing absurd rules because they are in a hurry. What is so frequent in daily practice… ”