Contents
A short guide for children from 5 to 105 years old
The author of the book, a well-known psychologist who brings up his parents alone, shares with the reader tips on raising them.
The book is useful not only for children, but also for their parents, if they already know how to read such things.
Dedicated to my mother Irishenka, my father Sashenka and my grandmother Polina.
We often hear: “I have such bad parents! They are completely ill-mannered, they don’t know how to behave, they are impudent, they don’t consider anyone’s opinion, they do ridiculous and defiant things, they do everything out of spite and constantly upset me with their behavior.
There are no ideal parents, I answer, but how much time have you devoted to raising your parents? Have you tried to understand them? Have you tried to find out how your parent lives, what problems and dreams he has, what he wants to achieve in life? If not, what do you want? Raising parents is a long and painstaking task; you cannot educate parents in one day. Parenting should not be done in fits and starts — on weekends or in the morning before leaving for school. You need to devote a lot of time to this important matter, you need to put your whole soul into the upbringing of your parents, and only then you will get a return and will not regret the time spent. How to do it in practice? I will talk about this in my book.
Basics of parental psychology
The parent is an impressionable and vulnerable creature. Practice shows that parents are poorly adapted to life, often they do not understand its laws, they are naive and timid. Helping a parent cope with their fears is your main task.
For example, you want to leave the parent for a couple of days to go camping with friends. Often, parents at the same time begin to act up, scream, stomp their feet, even cry. Don’t be scared — this is a fairly common reaction. A rare parent is independent enough to be alone for a long time without you. It is very bad if you decide to start raising a parent at this very moment — a frightened and stubborn parent is completely deaf to the arguments of reason. Unrest, mixed with the desire to insist on his own, close his mind from the world with a blank wall. What to do in such a situation?
Firstly, you should never yell at the parent in response, stomp your feet or, what else was missing, cry. Be older and more solid! Behave with dignity, your speech should be calm, confident, legible, simple and understandable to the parent. You should not use complex terms, the meaning of which your parent may not yet know: “nice party”, “slow down golimo”, “break off the buzz”, and so on. Talk to the parent in his language, then it will be easier for him to understand you.
Secondly, in no case do not speak to the parent, do not call him bad words — this is not pedagogical and does not give the desired educational effect. In addition, he can remember these words and begin to use them in a conversation with you in the right place and out of place — such cases are not uncommon. Be extremely attentive and friendly to a stubborn parent. However, remember that excessive lisping should also be avoided.
If the parent begins to brag about his age and hint at your smaller one, explain to him that he is wrong. Say that at the age of 14 Gaidar already commanded a regiment, and age did not interfere with him, while a parent at his age still does not command a regiment. (If the parent is a colonel, come up with another argument.)
Remember that parents always remain parents, and even if you are over forty years old, they still behave like parents, unless, of course, they were brought up with you incorrectly.
Thirdly, it is necessary to understand well what is currently going on in the head of the parent, what motives drive him — and proceed from this. For example, in the case of leaving for a couple of days, most often the parents are afraid that something will happen to you and they will be left completely alone. Also, a parent can be stubborn just to insist on his own and assert himself. Other reasons are possible in this case — maybe the parent needs your presence at home on these days, maybe he hopes for your help, that you will go shopping with him, play weeding potatoes in the country and so on. Therefore, your actions must be different. In the first case, you need to reassure the parent, explain to him that nothing will happen to you and you will return soon. In the second case, you need to explain to the parent how bad it is to be selfish. And you can go the other way — give in to something, give the parent the opportunity to assert themselves and be a little capricious, but only in such a way that this does not affect your departure. In the third case, perhaps you should really stay at home — after all, if the parent needs you so much on this particular day, then it would be bad of you to leave him alone (or with another parent) at a difficult moment for him. Take a walk with him, play weeding potatoes. But you don’t have to be arrogant at the same time, explain that the game of potatoes is stupid — all the same, only three pieces will grow like last summer, and you only play it to entertain the parent. If you cannot sincerely play with a parent, you are a useless educator.
In the following chapters, we will take a closer look at parenting.
parental fears
Parental fears are a subject of special discussion. They are so extensive and versatile that in this chapter we will only touch on the most typical of them.
Fear of late
Perhaps the most common of the fears of a parent. It goes back to the times when primitive people lived in caves, leaving them at night was a very dangerous business. Therefore, even the ancestors of our parents were afraid for our ancestors when they went hunting and didn’t return by night — didn’t the mammoths gnaw them there? In our time, when mammoths have disappeared, the fears of parents remain. Therefore, most parents, with the advent of darkness and evening TV shows, begin to behave restlessly and sometimes do ridiculous things — for example, call your friends or the police. Why they do this, parents, as a rule, cannot clearly explain: “Well, it’s eleven in the evening, and you’re not there, what else to do?” — a typical answer of a parent.
Silly calls can be prevented. If the parent’s policeman’s phone is remembered from a very early age, then your friends’ phones can fall into their playful little hands only because of your carelessness — do not leave your notebook in a visible place when you leave home and leave your parents alone unattended. If your parent has a strong fear of lateness, sticks to your friends every time and you have to blush for him later — write down the phones in a special way, for example, swap two digits. Waking up strangers a couple of times with the words: «hello, I’m a mother machine,» and hearing in response the appropriate expressions on the same topic, your parent will quickly unlearn such a bad habit.
However, these are extreme measures. For the purposes of education, parents should be taught to be patient and calm. To do this, you must calmly say that you are leaving and will return late, at such and such a time. Name the exact time of return and the parent will immediately become more peaceful. If you are late, be sure to call and tell the parent about this, naming a new return date. Remember that parents are very curious, so tell them in advance where you are going. Even if you just go for a walk — name the names of the streets you will walk along and the purpose of the walk — for example, «see the illumination.» The goals and route may not be followed in full accuracy, but there is no need for obvious lies. A parent can also learn to lie and this will bring you a lot of trouble. Although sometimes you can’t do without it. For example, if your parent is restless — do not give the phone number of the place where you are going, say that you yourself do not know it or come up with some kind of fairy tale — say that there is a very pay phone, or that parents live there who go to bed early or vice versa waiting for an important call. To calm the parent, give him the word that you will call him yourself, and really call, talk to him a little. At the same time, the conversation should not be long, the brevity of the conversation should be explained as follows: “I can’t talk anymore, there’s someone else’s phone here.” Agree, the argument is rather strange, but it works flawlessly on parents.
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Fear of bad ====
Unlike the fear of being late, in this case the parent knows exactly the cause of the fear. He may be afraid that you will get sick, get into bad company, become a drug addict, a parent, drop out of school, college, graduate school. Fears can be very different, your task is to understand the parent and calm him down. Explain to him that without a hat you are already so warm that your friends are wonderful people, tell good details about them and their parents (parents love to hear about their peers), show unpierced veins (this will convince parents that marijuana is not smoked in your company) , explain that since you still have not left school, institute, graduate school, then you will not leave further. There can be no exact advice here — try to find your own approach to the parent.
Fear of the unknown
Parents are very impressionable creatures. However, they still know little about the world and are afraid of everything that they do not know. Parents always pay great attention to everything that is connected with you, noticing and thinking over various little things. At the same time, your hair, jeans, music, jewelry, posters on the wall, or your statements and thoughts can scare them. This is fine. Your task is to clearly and patiently explain to the parent that:
1) Everyone has the right to their own tastes, and at the same time it would be strange if your tastes completely coincided.
2) There is nothing unnatural in your tastes, now it is fashionable and everyone does it. For some reason, many parents are affected by the “everything” argument. Show your parent a nice, kind article from their favorite newspaper that talks about your music or your nose ring.
3) Your tastes are no worse than the tastes of the parent. This is difficult to prove, but possible. It is difficult because many parents naively follow the principle: «what is not mine is wrong.» When it comes to music, a typical parental argument is: “How can you listen to such disgusting things?”. Remember — «disgusting» is an epithet. And to answer with the epithet «no, that’s cool» is not reasonable. Be smarter, let the parent think with you and understand the absurdity of his point of view. Ask him to explain what exactly he calls «nasty», ask for clarification until the parent points out a specific detail to you, for example, «stupid words» or the «idiot-looking» singer. Ask what style of music the parent himself likes, and find among this music a song with even more stupid words or a singer with a weirder look — usually this is quite easy to do.
Complex of usefulness
Parents often suffer from an inferiority complex. This is manifested in the desire to show that he is more important and do everything in his own way. Remember — do not spoil the parent, but do not keep him in excessive severity. Immediately decide which whims of your parent you agree to fulfill and which not. Try to give in to the parent as much as possible in the little things, and in matters important to you, do your own thing. Make a list of questions in which you need to pamper the parent and a list of questions with which you need to cultivate respect for the other person in the parent, announce the list to the parent — and in the future always follow these lists. The parent should develop a reflex to those questions in which he should not be capricious. Having chosen the necessary questions (no more than one or two to start education) and making sure that you are right, you can begin education. Know how to insist once and for all on your own by any means, up to leaving home. In no case do not let your parents beat you with their little hands and generally try to use force on you. Don’t hit your parents! Calmly explain to them why they are behaving incorrectly, and threaten how this may end for them in the near future (for example, your leaving home for such and such a period). Don’t make promises you can’t keep, but keep what you promise. Never do something out of spite, out of spite. Always calmly and friendly explain to your parents why circumstances (or rather, they themselves) force you to do this. The parent should see you not as an enemy, but as his friend. Make friends with your parents. It will work. Perhaps not the first time, but who said that raising a parent is done in one day? At the same time, emphasize that in a number of other issues you unquestioningly indulge the whims of the parent. This carrot and stick method allows you to get along with your parents, educating them while indulging their inferiority complex.
Conclusion
Here you read the book. It’s time for some final advice. Don’t neglect parenting! Remember, the parent is your mirror, he copies you in everything. It is not difficult to make sure of this — if you behave with him gu.e., he will answer you in the same way. And vice versa, with a kind and sincere attitude towards the parent, you will achieve that your parents will become just silk. Good luck with parenting!
June 10, 1997, Moscow