What requirements of discipline and obedience are acceptable for my six-month-old son?
There is no need to demand obedience to any precise order and rules from a child under seven months old, regardless of various circumstances and his behavior. Many parents do not agree with this and are ready to spank a six-month-old baby for crying in the middle of the night or fidgeting while changing clothes. This is a serious mistake. The infant is unable to recognize his «misconduct» or to establish a connection between it and the subsequent punishment. In the early months of life, he needs support, love and, most importantly, he needs to hear the soothing sound of a human voice. He needs to be fed when he is hungry, kept dry, clean and warm. It is possible that the foundation of a person’s physical and emotional health is laid during the first six months of life, so it should, if possible, proceed for the child with a sense of security, empathy and human warmth.
I have a very nervous eight month old daughter. She starts crying as soon as I put her to bed. The pediatrician who observes her says that she is healthy, but she is crying simply because she wants me to hold her in my arms all the time. I am ready to give her a lot of attention, but I am not able to hold her in my arms all day. What should be done to make the girl less nervous?
The crying of children is an important form of their connection with others. A child’s tears give parents the opportunity to know that he is hungry, tired, experiencing some kind of inconvenience, or his tummy hurts. Therefore, it is so important to listen to these calls for help and be able to correctly interpret them. On the other hand, your pediatrician is also right. It is quite possible that you yourself make the child nervous and demanding by rushing to him every time and grabbing him right there in your arms as soon as he even squeaks or sighs. Babies are quite capable of learning to manipulate their parents through reinforcement. It consists in the fact that any form of behavior available to the baby that allows achieving the desired result will be reproduced by the child, regardless of the reasons and grounds for such behavior. Thus, a healthy child can make his mother jump around him twelve hours a day, only by regularly straining his vocal cords. To avoid such consequences, the mother must draw the line between the situation that obliges to give the child the necessary attention, and the one when he turns into a little dictator. Don’t be afraid to let your daughter cry for a reasonable amount of time (it’s even said to be good for the lungs), although you need to listen to her tone of voice to; discern the difference between occasional displeasure and actual frustration. Most mothers notice this difference very well over time.
I had a rule: before approaching my daughter’s bed, stand for five minutes at the door of the nursery, remaining out of sight of the girl and waiting for a temporary lull in her crying. In doing so, I sought to figure out an effective form of behavior, to comprehend not only tears, but also pauses in crying. You can try this method.
Please, tell us how best to bring up obedience and discipline in a one-year-old child?
Many children, from about eight months of age up to 14-15 months, try to test the reliability of their power over their parents. Before the age of one, the encounters are mostly small and infrequent, although the prospect of future battles is beginning to be seen. For example, our daughter first puzzled her mother when she was nine months old. My wife was scrubbing the floor in the kitchen when Danae crawled to the edge of the linoleum, Shirley said to her: «No, Danae.» And with gestures she showed her daughter that she should not enter the kitchen. Since the girl began to speak very early, by this time she clearly understood the meaning of the word «no». Nevertheless, she crawled right to where the floor was covered with sticky paste. Shirley picked it up and carried it back to the door, saying the word «no» more firmly as she did so. Not at all discouraged, Danae crawled again along the floor that had just been rubbed with paste. The wife brought her back and, as she placed her daughter on the floor, said «no» in an even more stern tone. This procedure was repeated seven times before Danae obeyed the ban and crawled out of the kitchen in tears.
We failed to teach our two-year-old son to ask to use the toilet on time, although my mother-in-law believes that it is time for him to be able to do this. Should he be spanked for having wet pants and not asking for a potty?
No, it doesn `t need. Tell your mother-in-law that such matters are handled without emotion. It is possible that your child is not yet able to control his functions. Spanking a two-year-old kid for a so-called misdemeanor, the essence of which he cannot really understand? Is it possible to think of such a thing! In such a case, it is probably better to potty train the baby later than to do it too early through violence. In addition, when accustoming him to the pot, it is advisable to resort to rewards, and not to punishments. Give the child a lollipop if he did everything right. Only when you are sure that he is able to cope with the potty on his own, you can demand cleanliness and order from him.
I am very upset that my two-year-old son is not sitting still in the church. He knows not to make any noise, but he bangs his toys on the bench and at times starts talking loudly. Should I spank him for this?
Your question shows a rather weak idea of the characteristics of children of this age. For most two-year-olds, sitting calmly in church, not grasping anything with their hands, and listening to the service is like an adult swimming across the Atlantic Ocean. The child is annoyed and downright burns from the inside with just the word “should”. You simply cannot force a child of this age to sit still. All the time while the baby is awake, he spends in action, which indicates his normal state at this stage of development. Therefore, I do not recommend punishing a child for such behavior. I think it’s better to leave him in the children’s room at the church, where he can shake the walls without affecting the church service. If the church does not have a children’s room, then I would suggest, as far as it is financially possible, to leave him at home with a babysitter until at least the age of three.
I often have to punish my two-year-old daughter for taking porcelain dishes, expensive knick-knacks, various things that we decorate our house with. How can I get her to leave these fragile things alone?
I would like to warn parents against punishing kids for their actions, which are natural and necessary for the child to develop and learn about the world. For example, exploration and development of the environment is very important for stimulating intellectual development. For us adults, it is enough to look at a crystal bauble to get all the necessary information that interests us. However, a small child should feel it with all his senses. So your daughter will pick it up, taste it, sniff it, swing it, bang it on the wall, throw it across the room, and listen to the wonderful sound that crystal makes when it shatters. Through these activities, she learns something about the law of gravity, something about the differences between smooth and rough surfaces, about the fragility of glass, and also discovers some discouraging news about her mother’s ability to get angry.
I am not suggesting that you let your daughter destroy the house and break everything that is in it. But you can’t expect her to touch nothing in the house. Parents should remove fragile items and anything that poses a danger to the child. Then let your girl explore what she can, and never punish her for being curious about something unfamiliar, for wanting to take this or that thing that is beyond her reach, no matter how expensive this thing may be. However, there are dangerous items such as electrical plugs, electric stoves, as well as many other things that cannot be touched, such as the buttons on the TV. To avoid trouble, it is necessary to teach children to the order «do not touch.» This order should be fixed in the mind of the child. We must let him know what awaits him in case of disobedience. All it takes is one light slap on the arm.
When can a two-year-old be subjected to minor punishments?
When a child openly disobeys parental instructions. If he runs away when called, if he spills milk on the floor on purpose. If he starts screaming and getting angry when he should go to bed, if he beats his friends — for all this he must be punished, as these are unacceptable forms of behavior from which he must unlearn. Even in these situations, however, it doesn’t always take a good beating to get the right reaction. A sensitive blow to the fingers usually has no less power of persuasion. Spanking should be reserved for moments of greatest antagonism in later years.
It seems to me important to emphasize the following idea: the upbringing and life experience of a two-year-old child are of critical importance in shaping his future attitude to power and order. You need to calmly accustom the child to the need to obey, without expecting that at his age he can behave like an adult.
My three-year-old daughter, Nancy, gets into a lot of trouble when she comes to the candy store with me. She runs up to me and demands to buy lollipops, chewing gum, cakes. If I refuse to comply with her demand, it causes in her such unbridled anger and indignation that it is difficult to imagine. I don’t want to punish her in front of everyone. And she knows it. What should I do?
There are places where the usual rules and restrictions do not apply, where children begin to behave differently than in normal conditions. I would suggest that you speak with Nancy before your next visit to the bakery. Explain to her why you are going and how she should behave, and also make it clear to her that you are serious about all this. If she tries to act inappropriately again, take her out of the store, put her in a car or go around the corner and there fulfill your promise in the form that you would use at home. She will understand what it is.
If children know that they are not threatened with measures from their parents outside the home, then some of them become completely obnoxious and naughty, especially in public places. Perhaps the best example is the story of ten-year-old Robert, who was a patient of my good friend Dr. Bill Sloaneker. The doctor said that the staff of the children’s department was simply afraid of the days on which Robert’s appointments with the doctor were scheduled. He staged terrible attacks on the clinic, grabbing tools, papers, and telephones. All that his patient mother was able to do at this time was to shake her head in despair.
During one of the examinations, Dr. Sloaneker discovered that Robert had rotten teeth, and it became clear to him that the boy should be referred to one of the local dentists. But to whom should such an “honor” be given? After all, directing Robert to a doctor, the doctor risked losing the friendly disposition of a colleague. In the end, Dr. Sloaneker decided to refer him to an elderly dentist known for his skill with children. The clash that took place in this doctor’s office can be considered a classic example in the history of human conflict.
Robert showed up at the doctor’s waiting room, ready to fight.
«Sit down in a chair, young man,» the doctor told him.
“Nothing,” the boy replied.
“Son, I told you to sit in a chair. I would like you to do just that,” repeated the doctor.
Robert stared at the «enemy» for a moment, then replied:
“If you make me sit in a chair, I will take off all my clothes.
Then the doctor said calmly: “Well, take it off.” The boy began to take off his upper cu, lower cu, shoes and socks, then looked at the doctor with a challenge.
“All right, son, now sit down in a chair,” the doctor said.
“You misheard me, I said that if I had to sit in a chair, I would take off all my clothes,” hissed Robert.
“Son, take it off,” the doctor replied.
Robert began to pull off his trousers and shorts, until finally, in the presence of a doctor and his assistant, he was completely naked.
“Well, now, son, sit down in a chair,” said the doctor.
And Robert did what the doctor told him to do. He behaved obediently during the whole procedure. When the doctor finished drilling his teeth and placing fillings, the boy was allowed to leave the chair.
“Now give me back my clothes,” he said.
«Sorry,» the doctor said, «tell your mom we’ll have to leave your clothes here for the day.» She can pick up things tomorrow.
Can you imagine the shock that Robert’s mother experienced when the door of the waiting room opened and her son appeared red with shame, naked, as at the moment of birth? The room was full of patients, but Robert and his mother had to walk past them and out into the hall. They went down the elevator and, accompanied by the giggles of others, went out into the street where their car was parked.
The next day, Robert’s mother came to the clinic to collect her son’s belongings and asked to be allowed to speak to the dentist. It turned out that she was not going to protest at all. She had completely different feelings: “You have no idea how grateful I am to you for what happened yesterday. You see, Robert blackmailed me with threats to undress in public for many years. Whenever we were with him in some public places like a candy store, he began to demand that I make pointless purchases. And if I did not immediately buy everything he wanted, he would start screaming, threatening to strip naked. You are the first person who was not afraid of his threats and showed what they are worth. It made an incredible impression on Robert.»
You do not advise resorting to corporal punishment of a child in the first years of his life. What other methods of punishment can then be used to teach a disobedient child of this age to submission?
One possibility is to put the boy in a chair and tell him to think about what he has done. Most children of this age are so full of inner energy that it is absolutely unbearable for them to experience ten boring minutes when the only available form of activity is fidgeting in a chair. For some children, this form of punishment can be remembered for a long time and even more effective than spanking.
My three-year-old son Johnny refuses to lie in bed when he is put to bed at night. He climbs out of it, despite the fact that I am standing next to him and asking him to stay in bed.
If the parents are not able to demand that the child sit quietly in a chair or lie in bed, then it can be concluded that they do not have power over their child. To change this situation, it is necessary to use the period when the child is two years old — the best time for this.
I advise you to put your young creation to bed and say, “Johnny, I want to have a serious talk with you now. Are you listening to me? Don’t get out of bed anymore. Did you understand what I told you?» After Johnny, as usual, is on the floor, slap him well on the legs with a small, light twig. Hang this rod on the wardrobe where he can see it. And then promise: if he gets out of bed again, he will get hit in the legs again. Quietly, without further ado, leave the room. If the boy still repeats his sortie, keep your promise and recall your warning about the consequences of his disobedience. Repeat this procedure until Johnny recognizes that you are the «boss» whose orders he must follow. Then hug him, tell him that you love him very much, and remind him how important it is for him to get up in the morning rested, slept, healthy and cheerful. The purpose of this painful procedure is not only to keep little Johnny in the crib, but to fix your leadership role in his mind.