When it comes to psychological violence against children, dysfunctional families come to mind first of all: parents drink, do not work, and the children are unattended… Unfortunately, this is not the only scenario.
And in ordinary, socially well-off families, children can suffer from abuse. Not because of the sadistic inclinations of the parents, but mainly because they do not suspect that their behavior inflicts emotional trauma on the child. Maria Kholodtsova, candidate of psychological sciences, member of the Expert Council of the «Responsible for the Future» charitable foundation, comments.
“First, what is meant by “child abuse”? To simplify somewhat, here we mean situations and methods of education in which the personality of the child is suppressed.
Here is a girl playing in the sandbox. Mom says in a calm tone several times that it’s time to go home. The daughter does not respond. Having lost her patience, her mother grabs her by the scruff of the neck and drags her towards the house. How does the child feel about it? He does not understand why his mother suddenly got angry. He is scared, hurt, hurt and unbearably lonely.
Or, say, a typical scene in a store. The child likes the toy, he wants to stop and look at it, but the mother pulls him in the direction of the dairy products department. The child sees the yogurt and asks to buy it, but the mother stubbornly ignores him and heads towards the vegetables. There the child asks to buy him a pineapple.
This is where Mom’s patience comes to an end. She hits the child several times and demands to stop whining. The child begins to cry, for which he gets even more. What does he feel? He is scared, he is angry, confused, and he is also ashamed of the fact that other people are watching him cry and how he is scolded.
Mom, it should be noted, does not feel better at the same time. Irritation and guilt are the dominant emotions in this case. The scenario of child abuse usually develops according to the same pattern: an annoying situation — an aggressive reaction (action) — a feeling of guilt — a desire to make amends for the situation. And so in a circle. How to get out of it?
To begin with, to realize what and when we are doing wrong. Here are the main mistakes.
Scream and insults
Overwhelmed with worries, driven by stress, parents often break down on their children — they raise their voices, go on shouting. This is always destructive to the relationship and very bad for the child. Shouting, aggression is a sign of impotence, since a parent who is able to reasonably convince a child that he is right will not spend so much emotional energy on non-constructive behavior.
Words that are offensive, degrading to a child’s dignity may well cause him serious psychological trauma and lead to behavioral disorders and even depression.
Emotional deafness
Some parents have a strong stereotype that caressing, pitying the child, we make him too tender, unsuitable for adult life. This is fundamentally wrong. Pitying, showing sympathy for the child, when he is hurt, lonely, scared or sad, we lay in him the basis of trust in the world.
By systematically ignoring the child’s complaints, refusing to recognize his emotions and their importance, we are at great risk: our baby may grow up passive, withdrawn and distrustful.
Lack of dialogue
Permissiveness is not the best way to communicate, and not only with children. For example, a parent does not let a child go to a holiday at school or a classmate’s birthday, explaining this by saying that «you are still small and have nothing at all.» What information does the child receive? Virtually none.
If you forbid something, it is important to explain why it is impossible or inappropriate, to talk about your feelings (for example, about worrying about a child), to enter into a dialogue with him, to listen to what he is ready to offer, to try to find a solution that suits both. It may be difficult, but it will be the first step towards each other.
Inconsistency
It is important for a parent to be consistent in their actions. If a parent says first that you need to wash the dishes, and then he washes it himself and scolds the child for “conscience and irresponsibility”, he is inconsistent.
This only confuses the child: he does not know what to focus on, whether to believe what the father or mother is doing, or what he (a) says? And why take your duties seriously, if you may be scolded for not fulfilling them, but they will do everything for you.
However, we are not always able to change our own behavior by an effort of will. And here it can be useful to work with a psychologist, aimed at understanding family history, the peculiarities of one’s behavior, and developing new forms of relationships with the child.