We all crave love, but despite this, it is not always possible to build healthy and strong relationships. To change this, you need to start with yourself. What skills will help in creating sustainable relationships? The psychotherapist explains.
To love and be loved is a basic human need. We need this feeling as long as we are alive. In the absence of love, we may cling to external goals, whether it be a career, saving the sick, orphans, or animals. But all this will only be temporary compensation. We still remain unhappy.
Chronic lack of love leads to depression. Treating her with antidepressants is a partly futile task, and in some cases even meaningless. Why do so many people suffer from loneliness or unhealthy relationships in modern society? The problem is equally characteristic of women and men. It’s just that women feel it faster and sharper.
What is the reason? In the absence of «healthy» men, «normal» women? In total bad luck, in our shortcomings? To answer these questions, let’s look at what love is.
Healthy attachment gives a feeling of warmth, closeness, support. It is a constant source of self-confidence, inspiration and strength. If we suffer in a relationship, but are afraid or cannot leave, then this love is unhealthy, neurotic. It destroys us, deprives us of strength and hope.
It is important to understand that healthy love is not only bright emotions, feelings and physical attraction. It should not be confused with love. Healthy love is conscious actions, serious work on oneself, development of certain abilities. Over many years of psychotherapeutic practice, I have identified seven essential skills that allow a person to receive satisfaction and pleasure in intimate relationships.
1. Love yourself, take care of yourself and maintain self-esteem without strings attached. Of course, we all make mistakes sometimes, without it it is impossible to live life. But because of them, we do not automatically become «bad people.» We must not humiliate and punish ourselves, we must not allow anyone to humiliate us for our imperfection.
2. Understand and define your personal boundaries. No matter how strong feelings we have for a loved one, we should not merge with him. If we do not consider it necessary or do not want to comply with the request, then we must be able to say “no”. If something in the behavior of a partner hurts us, we must be able to respectfully, but openly express our indignation and disagreement.
3. Respect the personal boundaries of the partner. A loved one is not our property. We must be able to hear and calmly accept his refusal. Do not push, demand, extort what you want. You should not try to subdue your partner by feigning offense or blackmailing him.
4. Compassion. It’s not just about expressing sympathy for a loved one. It is important to sincerely wish and try to do something to reduce his pain and suffering. To be included in the life of a partner, carefully and tactfully help him cope with life’s trials.
5. Sincerely live the moments of your vulnerability. You don’t have to hide your pain and fear. Learn to trust your partner, open up to him. Do not refuse help when you are sick, in crisis or loss.
6. Independently maintain their emotional balance and well-being. Regardless of whether a loved one is near at the moment or not, and what mood your loved ones are in right now.
7. Remain socially independent person. Develop personally and professionally, achieve financial independence. If your partner behaves inappropriately, you do not have to adapt to him. You will be able to break up with a person who does not respect you or hurts you.
The need for love and the ability to love and receive love are completely different things. If you are single or suffering from an unhealthy relationship, this is not a sentence for the rest of your life. If you want love, act. Learn emotional literacy, develop yourself, master the ecology of love. It’s never too late to learn this.