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“I’d rather do it myself than explain it” sounds familiar? It’s easier to go to the store yourself, because the husband will again mix up half of the products, and he won’t find half. It’s easier to throw the wash yourself, because the partner will not sort the laundry and will wash the colored items again along with the white ones. While some — mostly men — imitate complete helplessness, others suffer.
In fairness, we note that not only partners behave this way, but also friends and colleagues: certain tasks (often unpleasant or laborious) can be assigned to you, because “you are so good at it, I don’t know how to do it.”
The phenomenon itself is far from new, but the pandemic has highlighted the problem: couples have been trapped together and women have become more likely to seek help in everyday affairs, faced time after time with the fact that men supposedly are not able to help them.
This, moreover, once again reminds us that even now, in 2022, there is no question of any fair distribution of responsibilities: household chores and caring for children are in most cases still the prerogative of women, even if they earn on par with their partners or even more.
Of course, this is not always about deliberate avoidance of household chores: some men really do not know how to cook or take care of babies. But many sincerely believe that it is «below their dignity» and pretend that they are not able to go shopping, clean the apartment or change the baby’s diaper.
Why is this bad, besides the fact that in itself it is a flagrant injustice?
The fact that all responsibilities are shifted onto the shoulders of women, which is rather tiring. “And besides, it undermines the feeling of intimacy in a couple: women do not feel supported and begin to doubt that a partner can be trusted,” explains family therapist Sarah Spencer Northey.
Of course, it would be unfair to say that only men behave this way: for example, some women dismiss household bookkeeping and paying bills, justifying themselves by saying that they are “not friends with numbers,” and yet the imbalance is obvious.
“My mother somehow coped with everything”
According to experts, men who were “raised like this” are more likely to behave in this way: in many families, boys were completely exempted from doing any household chores, and they grew up absolutely “unadapted” to doing household chores. “Boys like that make men who can’t fry their own eggs,” adds Norty.
Many people say this: it was the way it was in our family — the men worked, and the economy was entirely on the shoulders of women. Without thinking about what their wives have to do, or about the fact that modern women, in fact, as a rule, also work.
And if our mothers and grandmothers were still ready to put up with this situation, then most modern women do not need another “big child” — they need a partner with whom they can share responsibilities and who they can rely on.
Coach Kurt Smith, who works primarily with men, believes that most often they do this unintentionally. “But I agree that it undermines trust in a relationship, and sooner or later even the most patient woman can leave. The last straw for her can be, for example, the piles of clothes on the armchair in the bedroom, which she asked you to sort out many times, ”he notes.
You come to work and there…
As we have already said, the problem is not limited to the house and everyday life. Organizational consultant Melanie Ho assures that at work, women are often thrown off tasks that are not part of their direct duties, and the pandemic has made this problem visible too.
A study by McKinsey & Company suggests that over the past two years, women in management positions have taken on even more «invisible responsibilities» — those that maintain and strengthen office culture, and any additional «emotional work» is very exhausting. . For some reason, by default, everyone decided that helping employees set up work from home or making sure that newcomers successfully adapt is the task of women.
And this is not to mention the “shifting” of their direct duties on women by men.
Perhaps you have read errors in the texts of your «not very literate» colleague or double-checked the numbers in his report — so this is also about strategic incompetence. Like any other case, when you are manipulated into doing work that you are not required to do.
Again, not only men can behave this way, and yet it is women who often have to finish something after others while they are busy with “more important things”.
And what to do with all this?
The first step towards combating armed incompetence is to start calling a spade a spade without fear of hurting someone’s feelings. “Unfortunately, women too often choose to remain silent, so as not to provoke a conflict,” complains Kurt Smith. — Don’t do that. Talk about what’s bothering you and make your expectations as specific as possible. Do not think “he will do everything somehow, you will have to redo it, so I’d rather do it myself right away.” Treat your partner as an adult who can learn to do household chores just as well as you.”
If you are just one of those who evade duties, remember: this behavior of yours offends your partner and harms your relationship, and no flowers and gifts can atone for this. The even distribution of household chores is no less important than caring for intimate life and maintaining romance. Don’t know how to clean a frying pan or fill up a car? YouTube is here to help.
If there is a duty that you simply hate to perform, it is normal to admit this to a partner: together you can find a solution — for example, delegate this task to a specially trained person for a fee. The main thing — do not pretend that you have «paws».
“It is important to perceive your union as a team, the key to success of which is coordinated actions and mutual support,” recalls Norte.
But what if colleagues demonstrate strategic incompetence? Setting the boundaries here is a little more difficult, but also possible. “Even if you have been doing some duty that has been imposed on you for years, and you can do everything with your eyes closed, it is never too late to give it up,” says Ho. — In the end, it’s about your time, about your mental and energy costs. About the forces that you could devote to the main work.
The main thing, experts warn, is to avoid an accusatory tone. “Describe the situation without telling a colleague that it was his or her fault,” Ho recommends. — Tell us about what you have, and offer to look for a way out together. Feel free to include other colleagues in the conversation and each time find out if someone can take on this or that task that was previously assigned to you by default.
If colleagues do not perform their duties perfectly at first, do not rush to correct everything for them — firstly, let them learn, and secondly, let them face the consequences of their actions (negligent performance of the task).
“He’s just like a child with me, he can’t do anything without me!” — if you are touched by the incompetence of your partner and you like to do everything for him, this is your right. There is just a chance that one day you will get tired of it and this behavior will begin to annoy. Perhaps it is better not to bring it to this and start changing something right now.