Which is better: to give birth in youth or to have a child in adulthood? Our readers share their opinions.
Rosstat notes that the average age of women who decide to have their first child in our country has increased markedly in recent years. In 2018, women gave birth to their first child at an average of 26 years old, and some 50 years ago, pregnant women at this age were considered “old-term”.
Modern women are increasingly striving to get an education and make a career, moreover, in order not to lack money on maternity leave, a more or less stable level of earnings is needed, which, according to analysts, is quite difficult to provide at a young age.
Our readers talked about their feelings and experiences associated with motherhood at a young and mature age. How did they cope with parenting when they were 20, and how do they cope with lack of sleep when they are in their 40s?
1. Feeling good
“I gave birth at 18. In fact, I myself was still a child. And the authority of the elders, including parents, teachers and even neighbors of mature age, was still great. You shouldn’t have let them interfere,” writes Lera (42, became a mother at 18).
“I am 51 years old, the child is in the sixth grade. I have not been a girl for a long time, and I can stand up for myself and for my boy. When the biology teacher conducted psychological tests and began labeling the children, calling them social phobes or autists, I told her and her management everything I thought about the unprofessionalism and unethical approach to students, and demanded an apology. Could I do it at 29? No, it’s unlikely, ”shares Anna (51 years old, became a mother at 40).
2. Trust in the world
“When you are about 20, you perceive many things with openness, with naivety and trust in the world. They said: get the child vaccinated tomorrow. Well, then, it must be done. I didn’t even think about somehow controlling this process, ”writes Lera.
“I’m not against vaccinations, but I’m already used to controlling everything. Experience shows that pitfalls are everywhere. I’m starting to figure out what the drug will be, is it exactly the right moment for vaccination tomorrow, is it necessary to prepare the child for it, ”says Marina (44 years old, became a mother at 41).
3. Age of environment
“The child turned out to be unplanned, but the whole family was happy with him. Grandparents were still young and worked, helped financially, and great-grandmothers were happy to sit with the baby and let us go for a walk, ”says Lera.
“My mother-in-law is no longer alive, and my mother herself sometimes needs help. Her reactions are not so fast anymore, she is physically weak, and I can’t always leave my hyperactive three-year-old daughter with her, ”says Marina.
4. Physical readiness
“I gave birth to my first child in my second year. I was healthy and strong, easily endured, quickly recovered after childbirth. It was not difficult for me to lift my daughter in my arms, even when she grew up, walking and fussing with her did not take much strength. But with the second one, I felt the difference — sleepless nights are hard, I often get tired in the evening. How to cope when he gets older and more active? — shares Tatyana (45 years old, became a mother at 19 and 41 years old).
5. Wisdom and life experience (what to pass on to a child)
“Both my husband and I were very young, of course. They didn’t really know themselves yet, they didn’t see the world. What can we give a child? When I filled the “bumps”, gained experience and drew conclusions, he had already grown. It’s been 24 years. And today, of course, I could give him much more. Sometimes I remember my parental mistakes and I want to “wind back time” in order to do the right thing, ”says Lera.
6. Priorities and needs
“The eldest daughter appeared with us at an age when all the peers hung out, walked and had fun. And we wanted too, of course. I happily gave it to my mother-in-law for the weekend or left it with my mother when we went to a party. Yes, and I had to study — I graduated from the university, but I had to send my daughter to a nursery in order to be in time for classes. And with the youngest, I myself want to stay at home. After 40, family is the most important thing. The focus is not on parties and entertainment, but on the house, relations with her husband, the joy of how the son takes his first steps, begins to speak, masters the world … ”says Tatyana.
7. Financial situation
“In the nineties, we were students, I couldn’t even afford a chocolate bar — our parents fed us, and we bought the most necessary for the child. And somehow, at the same time, they treated it easily — everything was ahead, and peers had no children, no one measured strollers, ”says Lera.
“My husband and I got on our feet, we have our own apartment, we have a car — I can always take my daughter to the doctor or to the country. Now there are so many interesting and useful things for children, but everything is not cheap, ”explains Marina.
8. Perspectives
“We were sure that everything was ahead. They grew up with their son. It was easier for me to understand him when he was a teenager — I remembered myself at the same age. Now I am a young mother, and the child is already independent. Recently, he went to a bar with his father, and they asked dad for a passport!” Lera laughs.
“I’m over 50, and by this age a woman gets all sorts of “sores”. Sometimes the pressure rises. My husband is even older than me. And when my health fails, I worry, I think that the child needs to grow up, and not just to adulthood. We need to help him get an education and get on his feet. And I really want to become a grandmother someday, ”says Anna.
«The history of parenthood does not tolerate the subjunctive mood»
Svetlana Lukashevich, psychologist
As soon as the contraceptive revolution took place, the woman gained the freedom and with it the responsibility of planning a pregnancy. Today, motherhood, like fatherhood, remains the focus of many life priorities and meanings, despite the fact that other ways of self-realization are becoming more important.
Therefore, more and more often the following question sounds — at what point in life is it better to give birth to a child? This request contains a lot of anxiety for oneself and for the future of children, doubts about one’s own abilities and that others will support. And at the same time — excessive demands on yourself. Indeed, today the parent is almost alone responsible for everything that happens to the child in the face of society. And this tension is growing. It happens that delayed motherhood leads to childlessness.
But if you face the truth, parenthood at any age is fraught with difficulties. And every experienced parent knows that these difficulties are constantly changing and require not only professionalism, calculation, experience, but all resources at once. You can weigh all the pros and cons for an infinitely long time and not find an answer, because the essence of parenthood lies in a different plane.
The simplest and at the same time the most difficult thing that is required of a mother or father is to do everything in their power and come to terms with the fact that mistakes are inevitable. And this is about completely different values that you need to cultivate in yourself from the moment the child is born (and some psychologists are sure that from the moment of conception). This is the ability to listen to yourself and your child, to thoughtfully build relationships, to be able to “let go” of him into the world at the right time.
Under what conditions can this be achieved? Of course, it is easier when there is support from loved ones, good specialists, when there is faith in oneself and one’s strength, and confidence in financial stability. But all this is quite achievable at any moment of life. Nature, for its part, launches a huge number of processes to provide the child with everything necessary. Not only at the level of the physiology of the mother (dads are a little more difficult), but also at the level of her psyche.
And yes, sometimes it seems that if “it” happened today, everything would be easier and more correct. But the history of parenthood, like the science of history, does not tolerate the subjunctive mood, but it helps to better understand what is happening and change the future.