Early and late motherhood: what’s the difference?

Росстат отмечает, что средний возраст женщин, решившихся завести первого ребенка, в нашей стране в последние годы заметно вырос. В 2018 году женщины рожали первенца в среднем в 26 лет, а каких-то 50 лет назад беременных в этом возрасте считали «старородящими».

Modern women are increasingly striving to get an education and make a career, moreover, in order not to lack money on maternity leave, a more or less stable level of earnings is needed, which, according to analysts, is quite difficult to provide at a young age.

Наши читательницы рассказали о своих ощущениях и переживаниях, связанных с материнством в юном и зрелом возрасте. Как они справлялись с родительскими обязанностями, когда им было 20, и как переносят недосып, когда им за 40?

1. Feeling good

“I gave birth at 18. In fact, I myself was still a child. And the authority of the elders, including parents, teachers and even neighbors of mature age, was still great. You shouldn’t have let them interfere,” writes Lera (42, became a mother at 18).

“I am 51 years old, the child is in the sixth grade. I have not been a girl for a long time, and I can stand up for myself and for my boy. When the biology teacher conducted psychological tests and began labeling the children, calling them social phobes or autists, I told her and her management everything I thought about the unprofessionalism and unethical approach to students, and demanded an apology. Could I do it at 29? No, it’s unlikely, ”shares Anna (51 years old, became a mother at 40).

2. Trust in the world

“When you are about 20, you perceive many things with openness, with naivety and trust in the world. They said: get the child vaccinated tomorrow. Well, then, it must be done. I didn’t even think about somehow controlling this process, ”writes Lera.

«Я не против прививок, но уже привыкла все контролировать. Опыт показывает, что подводные камни есть всюду. Начинаю выяснять, какой будет препарат, точно ли именно завтра правильный момент для вакцинации, нужно ли к ней готовить ребенка», — рассказывает Марина (44 года, стала мамой в 41 год).

3. Age of environment

“The child turned out to be unplanned, but the whole family was happy with him. Grandparents were still young and worked, helped financially, and great-grandmothers were happy to sit with the baby and let us go for a walk, ”says Lera.

“My mother-in-law is no longer alive, and my mother herself sometimes needs help. Her reactions are not so fast anymore, she is physically weak, and I can’t always leave my hyperactive three-year-old daughter with her, ”says Marina.

4. Физическая готовность

“I gave birth to my first child in my second year. I was healthy and strong, easily endured, quickly recovered after childbirth. It was not difficult for me to lift my daughter in my arms, even when she grew up, walking and fussing with her did not take much strength. But with the second one, I felt the difference – sleepless nights are hard, I often get tired in the evening. How to cope when he gets older and more active? – shares Tatyana (45 years old, became a mother at 19 and 41 years old).

5. Wisdom and life experience (what to pass on to a child)

“Both my husband and I were very young, of course. They didn’t really know themselves yet, they didn’t see the world. What can we give a child? When I filled the “bumps”, gained experience and drew conclusions, he had already grown. It’s been 24 years. And today, of course, I could give him much more. Sometimes I remember my parental mistakes and I want to “wind back time” in order to do the right thing, ”says Lera.

6. Priorities and needs

«Старшая дочка появилась у нас в том возрасте, когда все ровесники тусили, гуляли и развлекались. И мы тоже хотели, конечно. Я с радостью отдавала ее на выходные свекрови или оставляла с мамой, когда мы шли на вечеринку. Да и учиться надо было — я окончила университет, но дочку пришлось отдать в ясли, чтобы успевать на занятия. А с младшим мне самой хочется побыть дома. После 40 лет семья важнее всего. В фокусе внимания не гулянки и развлечения, а дом, отношения с мужем, радость от того, как сын делает первые шаги, начинает говорить, осваивает мир…» — говорит Татьяна.

7. Материальное положение

«В девяностые мы были студентами, я себе даже шоколадку не всегда могла позволить — нас кормили родители, а ребенку мы покупали самое необходимое. И как-то при этом легко к этому относились — все было впереди, а у ровесников детей не было, никто колясками не мерился», — рассказывает Лера.

“My husband and I got on our feet, we have our own apartment, we have a car – I can always take my daughter to the doctor or to the country. Now there are so many interesting and useful things for children, but everything is not cheap, ”explains Marina.

8. Perspectives

“We were sure that everything was ahead. They grew up with their son. It was easier for me to understand him when he was a teenager – I remembered myself at the same age. Now I am a young mother, and the child is already independent. Recently, he went to a bar with his father, and they asked dad for a passport!” Lera laughs.

“I’m over 50, and by this age a woman gets all sorts of “sores”. Sometimes the pressure rises. My husband is even older than me. And when my health fails, I worry, I think that the child needs to grow up, and not just to adulthood. We need to help him get an education and get on his feet. And I really want to become a grandmother someday, ”says Anna.

“The history of parenthood does not tolerate the subjunctive mood”

Svetlana Lukashevich, psychologist

Как только свершилась революция в области контрацепции, женщина обрела свободу, а вместе с ней и ответственность — планирование беременности. Сегодня материнство, как и отцовство, остается сосредоточением многих жизненных приоритетов и смыслов, несмотря на то, что другие способы самореализации становятся все важнее.

Therefore, more and more often the following question sounds – at what point in life is it better to give birth to a child? This request contains a lot of anxiety for oneself and for the future of children, doubts about one’s own abilities and that others will support. And at the same time – excessive demands on yourself. Indeed, today the parent is almost alone responsible for everything that happens to the child in the face of society. And this tension is growing. It happens that delayed motherhood leads to childlessness.

But if you face the truth, parenthood at any age is fraught with difficulties. And every experienced parent knows that these difficulties are constantly changing and require not only professionalism, calculation, experience, but all resources at once. You can weigh all the pros and cons for an infinitely long time and not find an answer, because the essence of parenthood lies in a different plane.

The simplest and at the same time the most difficult thing that is required of a mother or father is to do everything in their power and come to terms with the fact that mistakes are inevitable. And this is about completely different values ​​that you need to cultivate in yourself from the moment the child is born (and some psychologists are sure that from the moment of conception). This is the ability to listen to yourself and your child, to thoughtfully build relationships, to be able to “let go” of him into the world at the right time.

В каких условиях этого возможно достичь? Конечно, легче, когда есть поддержка близких, хороших специалистов, когда есть вера в себя и в свои силы, уверенность в финансовой стабильности. Но все это вполне достижимо в любой момент жизни. Природа, со своей стороны, запускает огромное количество процессов, чтобы обеспечить ребенка всем необходимым. Не только на уровне физиологии матери (у пап немного сложнее), но и на уровне ее психики.

И да, иногда кажется, что случись «оно» сегодня, все было бы легче и правильнее. Но история родительства, так же как и наука история, не терпит сослагательного наклонения, зато помогает глубже понимать происходящее и менять будущее.