None of us would wish for life’s trials — they make us suffer. But it is at these moments that we can think about life, reevaluate the old values, become wiser. Of course, provided that we live through the crisis meaningfully.
We hear this word many times a day and in different combinations. We can talk about the economic situation in the country — say, «financial crisis», and about our relationship with children or colleagues — «crisis of three years», «relationship crisis», and about experiencing the bitterness of loss — «personal crisis».
Crises are tragic periods in our lives when it becomes clear that things will not be the same as before. It seems to us that our whole life has collapsed, and pain and a sense of loss are all that remains to our lot. And it’s very hard to believe that we’re wrong about that.
In Chinese, the word «crisis» consists of two hieroglyphs: «danger» and «opportunity» — this is how the ancients’ conviction has come down to our times that in every problem situation there is not only the destruction of the old, but also the creation of the new. Crises force us to become different, according to the famous phrase of Friedrich Nietzsche: «What does not kill me makes me stronger.»
Natural crises of life
Each of us goes through the so-called age-related crises, when the whole familiar world is rebuilt, relationships change, our own psychological appearance, new meanings and goals of life appear.
The first and most important of these is birth. A new life is full of uncertainty: too bright light, too cold air, which you have to breathe on your own …
“In the first days of life, a child loses up to 20% of his weight — so much energy is required from him to experience the crisis of birth,” says developmental psychologist Tatyana Bednik. — He can feel safe only with the support of his mother. If she takes the baby in her arms, sings to him, talks to him — in a word, constantly confirms his love, after a few weeks he develops a «complex of revival.»
At the sight of the face of a loved one, the child freezes, then smiles, begins to move actively, showing with all his being how glad he is of this meeting. It is this moment that is considered a successful overcoming of the crisis.
The child begins to form a basic trust in the world, he grows up with the confidence that others love him and do not wish him harm. And the lack of love leads to a feeling of inner emptiness and loss. And largely because of this, problems arise with which already adults go to a psychotherapist.
Another stage is adolescence, five or six years of our life, from 11-12 to 15-17 years, which are experienced more difficult than others. The body and appearance are changing, hormonal changes give rise to new sensations and feelings. Parents make high demands on teenagers, but they treat them like small children… First love, jealousy, betrayal. A painful search for answers to the questions “who am I?”, “What am I?”.
If the teenager did not answer the main questions about himself, they will return a few years later and again demand an answer.
“The task of adolescence is to acquire a social and personal identity. A teenager must understand who he is and what his place in life is, ”explains psychotherapist Yuri Frolov. Parents should not restrain grown children in their desire to try different ways of behavior — only as a result of such “trials” can one find an inner core.
And obedient, “problem-free” teenagers are at risk of having a harder time surviving a midlife crisis.
“The well-known midlife crisis is the result of the fact that the teenage stage of growing up was not correctly passed at one time,” says psychologist Sergei Stepanov. — If the teenager did not answer the main questions about himself, they will return a few years later and again demand an answer. In fact, we are talking about a late crisis of growing up. Those who first think about the meaning of life before the age of 40 and continue to think about this topic may not have it at all.
At the age of 30-40 we sum up the first serious results. Educated and gained professional experience. In family life, crises associated with the extinction of the first strong feelings, the birth and upbringing of children have been overcome …
“If before the age of 30 a person still played out parent-child relationships, for example, he worked in a specialty that his parents imposed, then, exchanging his forties, he often wants to make a free decision — he gets a second education, remembers the interests of youth,” says Yuri Frolov. “A person seems to be left alone with himself and begins to look for what is important for him.”
Many at this moment radically change their lives: they leave their families, try another profession. “So we try on roles that we didn’t attach importance to in our youth, but at the same time we ask for love and attention,” continues Yuri Frolov.
Middle age is the time of existential, essential searches for the meaning of one’s life, when a person experiences internal discord. “What do I really want from life?”, “What happened to my childhood dreams?”, “Do I want to spend the rest of my days with the person who is now next to me?” The most important question sounds intimidating: “Do I have enough time?” The midlife crisis gives us a chance to start a new, in our opinion, the right life.
We experience new doubts and regrets about the mistakes made after 55 years: illnesses, hormonal changes, leaving the home of adult children.
“If a person allowed himself to experience vivid emotions throughout his life, built a hierarchy of values for himself, then he approaches old age even wiser,” Tatyana Bednik is convinced. — And he no longer looks back at the past with longing, but with the feeling that he did everything he could, and he has nothing to regret. He can enjoy life and try new roles: learn something, experience something that he did not allow himself before.
“When I was getting my second education, Georgy Petrovich, who was over 70, studied with us,” recalls 34-year-old Diana. — He went to classes with pleasure, worried about the fours in the exams. I am happy to talk about him — it is a pity that not all older people allow themselves the luxury of going to school at that age.
Mature years can become the pinnacle of self-realization, which is no longer hindered by everyday problems and the love passions of youth. If we manage to find the courage to honestly understand ourselves, we will have amazing fruits of wisdom that this period brings to us. “But only independent decisions give a person optimism in summing up,” says Yuri Frolov. — And then in old age he realizes: my life is not a chain of missed opportunities and not time spent in vain. This is my life!»
sudden events
Unhappiness invades our lives, devastating it, depriving it of meaning. The death or betrayal of a loved one, experienced violence, a terrorist attack, devastation, a natural disaster … All these are trials that not only hurt, but jeopardize the foundations of our existence, leaving only one question: “How can we live now?”
A catastrophe is always unexpected and subjectively inexplicable. This makes us perceive the loss as irretrievable and irreparable. “It is this feeling that is unbearable — an absurd accident that forever deprives us of the priceless and infinitely dear: children, parents, loved ones,” explains psychotherapist Adolf Harash. “A person feels the meaninglessness, the injustice of what happened, the unceasing pain, longing, anger.”
The same happens with the loss of health, disability, severe injuries. Yes, and the loss of material values - a house destroyed by an earthquake, property burned down in a fire — becomes a source of worries.
But it is surprising that at the very bottom of despair a person discovers in himself the ability to comprehend the lost, and then the loss does not devastate, but takes a certain place in the picture of his life today. And even gives it strength and meaning.
“I survived the Chernobyl accident,” recalls 51-year-old Maria, “I left the house, everything that was in it. And it was then that I realized: there is nothing to save for a rainy day. He already was.»
It is difficult to share the pain of personal loss with another, so a person closes, withdraws into himself and experiences the loss as his own death. “But the world around us remains, and it is alive,” says Adolf Harash. “Opening his eyes, a person will see that he is not alone, that there are people nearby who need him, to whom he is not a stranger — he just did not know this before the disaster.”
When experiencing trauma together, the potential for communication is released, which is not involved in ordinary life.
Elizabeth, who was then 23 years old, was taken out of the contaminated zone along with other residents of Pripyat.
“They took away all our clothes, gave us the same gray robes,” she recalls today. We didn’t know what would happen to us tomorrow. But we had a heady sense of unity: we lived through it together. And then, when they got apartments in Kyiv, my neighbor listened to loud music at night. And she didn’t bother me, on the contrary, as if she was saying: you are alive, and you can hear the music, and you have a neighbor.
The catastrophe erases superficial feelings and evokes living, true ones. “At such moments, a person realizes for the first time how lucky he is to be born a man,” adds Adolf Harash. “Those who have experienced misfortune with him, whether it be an earthquake or a tsunami, at this moment can turn into comrades in happiness, because when experiencing trauma together, the human potential of communication is released, which is not involved in ordinary life.”
Values and intentions that seemed to be the main ones recede into the background. Life as such comes first. “The catastrophe brings awakening and sobering up,” says Adolf Harash. I am alive among the living. And I have no more alternatives: I am me and no one else, I coincide with myself.
Problems we create ourselves
The decision to divorce, leave work, move to another city or country, we usually make ourselves. But for one, dismissal means liberation from a boring duty, and for another, a personal defeat.
Someone has retired and looks forward to reading and communicating with their grandchildren, while the other feels thrown out of life. We often suffer … from our own choice.
“We had twins, we sold our apartment and bought a house in the suburbs,” says 31-year-old Andrei. — I didn’t know that I would be so worried about it: I miss Moscow, I’m angry that I have to get up early. And when I think that other people live in our apartment, it becomes painful.
Stress has a sobering effect: a person gets rid of the childish belief in his omnipotence, accepts reality as it is
“Whether this or that event will become a crisis experience for us,” says Tatyana Bednik, “depends on how we ourselves relate to a difficult moment, what meaning we give it.” When parting with someone or something, it is worth remembering that affection and love are two different things.
“When attachment goes, love remains,” adds Adolf Harash. “Then sadness becomes light, and what you parted with becomes part of life, which is always with you, pleases and serves as a source of strength.” The experienced stress has a sobering effect: a person gets rid of the childish belief in his omnipotence, accepts reality as it is, and realizes that his life is not eternal. And according to existential psychotherapist Irvin Yalom, it is the thought of death that gives us the strength to live.
“A crisis is like a high wall,” says Adolf Harash. “It seems insurmountable, but if you struggle to get over it, climb up, bruising and making mistakes, then behind it you will see a new expanse.”