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Over and over again, emitting feigned passionate moans, we create a vicious circle. We are afraid to admit that it was not at all as good as we showed. And next time again we get not what we want. What to do? The psychologist explains.
Sarah, 32: “When Damian and I started dating, we were partying and drinking a lot. I didn’t have an orgasm when I was drunk, so I usually faked it. When we got married, I stopped pretending, but I never said that I had done it before.
And now, if in five minutes I do not reach an orgasm, he cannot understand what is wrong. He married a hot little thing, greedy for sex. But usually I lie. I wanted a satisfying life with my husband. How can I be now, tell the truth?
Why are we pretending?
It’s not news that women often lie about the pleasure they get (or don’t get). In those days when sex was needed solely for the pleasure of a man and a woman was charged with a marital obligation, she often faked an orgasm in order to end it all as soon as possible. But why even today, already in a free society, women continue to play this game?
One would expect that the development of sexual freedom would contribute to the development of sexual honesty. But no. Today, the female orgasm serves as a confirmation of male sexual viability, so women have a new reason to pretend. Her pleasure was proof of her partner’s masculinity and skill in love.
What’s wrong with fake orgasms?
This «orgasm» is a consequence of the ongoing development of relations between the sexes, traditional power structures, poor sexual education, myths and stereotypes about sexual behavior.
Orgasm is important — because it indicates that the job is done. But after all, this is not just the highest point — this is a complete bodily pleasure, and not a single event. No one wins if partners lie about what they need, want, like and dislike. The result of this behavior is an unsatisfactory (actually for both) sexual experience.
What else is wrong? It is clear that the woman is not satisfied, but lies to keep his «I» from violating the status quo. A man has no way of knowing that she is not satisfied, so there is no conversation about how to please her.
She thinks she is protecting him with this lie, but as a result, she misses the opportunity to enlighten him and is frustrated. If you are familiar with this situation, you can take a few steps towards more mature sexual intercourse.
What to do then?
start talking
Just say that frankness is important to you, that your partner’s pleasure is also not indifferent to you. And ask the right questions. For example:
- What do you like?
- What makes you uncomfortable?
- Is there anything I do that you like better? And why?
- Is there anything you don’t like about what you do for me?
- Is there anything we haven’t tried yet that you would be interested in?
You may not open the possibility of orgasm in the same second. But honestly speaking about your experiences, you will feel free from lies and pretense. You won’t have to keep pretending anymore. And it will help you feel more secure, free and confident. This will open up new avenues for getting to know your sexuality.
Change your point of view
Remember, you have a person in front of you, not just genitals. Practice touching other parts of the body: caress the neck, arms, back or knees or lower back. The clitoris is only the tip of the volcano, women have a whole — and yet little understood — network of points responsible for arousal and orgasm that are never shown in porn.
You can also use energy touches — touches without contact. Just bring your hand close to your partner’s body, but do not touch him. Finally, try slow sex. No matter how slow you think you are, you may still be able to slow down.
The point is not to try to achieve any result, but simply to get to know each other’s bodies.
Let’s get feedback
Tell your partner that you would like to get the time you need to get excited or reach the top, and not worry that it’s too long and he might get bored. Most men, having known and seen with their own eyes what pleasure you get, will be ready to repeat it again.
Many women have told me that «coming out,» admitting they were lying about orgasm, was a turning point in their relationship and sexual development. And if their partner went into a deaf defense or responded with an attack (“what’s wrong with you?”), Then perhaps a sexologist could help here.
And if he does not change anything, this may be a sign that the partner is not ready for mature sexual intimacy. And then, perhaps, it is worth looking for other hugs.