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Giving a break to your own thoughts is not so easy, says psychiatrist Stephanie Ayusso. But from those mental schemes that poison our lives, it is very worth getting rid of. Essential advice.
“Who, if not me…” or false heroism
Gritting your teeth, not resting for a minute, doing what everyone evades – this model has its advantages, but they are costly: constant tension, health problems, rivalry, conflicts. False heroism leads to intolerance (“I don’t complain!”), anger (“I get nothing in return”) and frustration (“I always sacrifice myself”). As a result, we feel undervalued and blame others for it.
Try to enjoy the process, not just the result and praise. Sometimes you can act “for no purpose and not for profit,” as the Buddhists say. Learn to play: your inner child is too serious, he has forgotten how to laugh and dream.
“I didn’t need to…” or guilt
If deep down we believe that we do not deserve gifts, this prevents us from experiencing joy, from feeling the fullness of life. Tormented by feelings of guilt, we scroll through the same thoughts over and over again in our heads. By forbidding ourselves to rejoice, we forbid ourselves to feel. Guilt encourages frustration and fuels envy and malice. This is reflected in our relationships with people: we are always annoyed by those who know how to enjoy life.
Observe how guilt is preventing you from achieving personal and professional success. Try changing your settings. For example, indulge in small gifts, listen carefully to the needs of your body.
“I need to do more and better” or unproductive perfectionism
Striving for perfection in everything often leads to unproductive perfectionism. It reduces the sharpness of perception, exhausts us physically and morally. We waste our strength, but we feel that we will never achieve the ideal we strive for.
Pay attention to your physical condition (muscle tension, stiffness, drowsiness, agitation, migraines). These are signals from the body that warn you to stop.
“It would be very good if” or constant dissatisfaction
We always miss something: the sun or, conversely, snow in late autumn, a new position at work, free time. Chronic dissatisfaction deprives us of peace, makes us irritable and tired. This immediately affects our relationship. We are convinced that the solution to all problems lies outside, not within us.
Take more time for yourself and try not to rush. Perhaps you already have what you are looking for. Take small breaks during the day, track the emotions that arise. Learn to relax your body.
Live on the rise
We all know the state of “flow”, the idea of which was proposed by the American psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. Whether we’re playing the violin, giving a lecture, or cooking dinner, we feel full of energy. We are passionate about the process and enjoy it. How to learn to live in a state of flow? First you need to be able to mark these moments of inner fullness, when the creative part is as active as possible.
Why is this needed? “To control inner experience, to achieve optimal experience and generalize it, means to be able to choose the quality of what we want to live. If this is not happiness itself, then something very close to it,” Csikszentmihalyi assures us.
“Will there be more…” or vague anxiety
Some of us find it difficult to relax because everything that happens causes worry and anxiety. We are haunted by a vague premonition of failure, which makes us lose confidence and strength. Anxiety can arise for any reason: flying on an airplane, a medical examination, a bad mark of a child. This condition directly affects well-being, manifesting itself in tachycardia, migraine, stomach problems or insomnia.
Try breathing exercises and meditation, they will help loosen bodily clamps. Any physical activity will also help. Every evening, make a list of all the positive things that happened to you during the day. Very soon you will feel that you worry less and get more pleasure from life.
About expert
Stephanie Ausso – French psychotherapist, expert in managing emotions, author of the books “How not to ruin your life?”, “Sadness, fear, anger.”