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Have you ever been in situations where you definitely feel that a person is aggressive towards you, and he stubbornly proves the opposite? You may have been manipulated with double binds. How to resist this and learn constructive communication, says the psychologist.
All close people sooner or later come to conflict situations. It would seem that it could be easier than to express all emotions and experiences to each other and come to a common denominator?
But it was not there. The fact is that we perceive non-verbal signs (gestures, facial expressions, posture, etc.) that accompany our speech much more sensitively than the words themselves. In a fraction of a second, we read information about whether the verbal message matches the non-verbal one, and draw the appropriate conclusions.
When these ways of communication reflect a different essence, misunderstanding, mistrust, and difficulty in reaching a compromise arise. This is the double message. In psychology, this phenomenon is seen as a way of manipulation. And in life it happens all the time.
For example, the mother of an adult son tells him that it is time to get married, but at the same time is offended when he takes care of his chosen one, spends time and money on her.
Victims of double messages adopt the pattern of behavior from their parents and tend to continue this chain of communication disruption – the person receives the double messages and broadcasts them himself. Most often this happens when we do not know how to express our feelings directly and hide them.
How to understand that you are in a double bind situation
1. Confusion. The victim of double messages constantly experiences a pronounced sense of confusion. She just doesn’t understand what exactly her partner wants to tell her, so she constantly asks herself questions like: “What is happening?”, “Why don’t I understand anything?”, “Why do I hear my partner, but I can’t understand what exactly he is wants to tell me?”, “Why does the partner say one thing, but do something completely different?”
2. Lack of feedback. Feedback is an essential part of social interaction, and we prevent a lot of potential conflicts and unpleasant mistakes with phrases like “What do you mean?”, “Why did you do this?”, “Did I understand you correctly?” In a double bind, the person usually stops himself from asking clarifying questions and getting out of the confusion.
3. Inevitable punishment. In this game of double messaging, the victim will not be right either way and will always be punished. For example, if a husband invites his wife to make a choice on her own (and in fact, manipulates), then she can refuse this and ask her husband for advice, or she can still try to choose.
In the first case, the man will reproach her for lack of independence and call her a helpless creature. In the second, her choice, no matter how hard she tries to please her partner, will be absolutely wrong. As soon as the victim begins to win against the person broadcasting double messages, the rules of the game immediately change in the most dramatic way.
How to get out of the double bind situation
1. Learn to notice double messages and contradictions in one’s own communication and in the communication of other people. This is a rather long and painstaking work of observation and awareness, which no one else can do for you.
2. Track your own emotions and listen to your body. When you synchronize your sensory-emotional and cognitive levels, in a double bind situation, you will notice an imbalance in physical and emotional manifestations more strongly.
3. Ask clarifying questions. Ask if something is not clear to you, and also express your feelings and sensations in the form: “It seems to me that ..”, “I feel that …”, without getting personal – this will help to establish contact with a partner and clarify relationships .
4. Experiment with distance in a relationship – after all, most often it is the emotional dependence on loved ones that prevents us from rising above the situation and avoiding the trap of a double bind.
5. Ask your opponent to elaborate on their main point.
In a situation of double messages, it is important to understand that, one way or another, they will always be present in your life. But in order not to fall under their influence and not to be their source ourselves, it is important to develop awareness in yourself, learn to understand yourself and be honest with yourself: “Do I really want this?”, “Does this suit me?”
When you establish open contact with yourself, it will be much easier to recognize double messages and not fall under their influence.
About the Developer
Elena Druma psychologist, Gestalt therapist. Her .