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The reader writes:
… My son is 12 years old and recently it turns out that he regularly (several days in a row) skips school. In the morning I feed him breakfast, send him to school, go to work myself, and he walks for about two to three hours, then he comes home as if from class, every evening he does his homework, collects his portfolio, and in the morning instead of school we walk again . Began to find out — why? There is only one answer: I don’t!
He has no problems with teachers, on the contrary, he is “the favorite of the public”, with classmates too. He promised that this would not happen again, “swore and swore”, I began to accompany him to school myself, absenteeism stopped. But yesterday I needed to go to work early and sent him alone — again I didn’t get it! In the evening, looking into my eyes, he claims that he was at school. And again promises, tears, «I won’t do it again.» In the morning I took him to school again, like a first grader by the hand. What can be done in such a situation? And there is no trust in the child, it’s hard for him and me, every evening I have to ask: was he at school or not, call classmates, check.
What to do?
The first is to figure out what the child’s difficulties are, and together with him to solve them. If you are behind in certain subjects, sit with him, figure everything out with him, catch up and overtake your classmates in these subjects. And basically teach your child to learn. What will help you with this? Read the book by Simon Soloveichik “Teaching with Passion. Tips for schoolchildren” and my article “About the format, or what fate will we give our children?”
It happens that the matter is different: for example, your child has a conflict with classmates or with a teacher. This situation is more complicated, sometimes the advice from the article by M. Kravtsova “Outcast child in the classroom (advice for teachers and parents)” will help, and sometimes it’s easier to change schools than to change the situation in a particular school.
The most radical step in this direction is to stop taking the child to school altogether and switch to home schooling. A reader writes:
If a child is not interested in developing and learning something new, this is a very, very serious “bell”. And it rings that this desire (absolutely natural, inherent in every person from birth) has already been crushed in the child. By whom? A school that does not give joy, and parents who insist on such a school. Who needs this kind of education? A child who is collected from year to year to school, checked lessons, scolded because of grades, study is not needed initially. She needs only his parents. Everyone did not want to trudge to school in the morning, but they went and sat at the desk and pretended to study. You don’t have to lie to yourself. Although — not right, studied! Learned hypocrisy. This is called «we were bent, now we are bending» … the cycle of BDSM … And to break this vicious circle? Weak?
Remark »: despite the categoricalness, there is a grain of truth in this opinion. See →
It is clear that the smartest parents begin to take care of all this much earlier, educate the child in real independence even before school and teach the child to study at school from the first grade. There is a wonderful rule: “In the first grade, you need to sit with your child and study together. Teach — all the rest of the years the child will study on his own, and you will be free. If you decided in the first grade that the child should show independence and lessons — his business, the matter will end up with the fact that starting from the second grade you will do all the lessons with your child for all subsequent years. Teach your child to learn, and he will enjoy learning!
A happy reader writes:
My son is also 10 years old. Daughters 12. From the second grade they study by themselves and for themselves. They themselves collect portfolios for themselves, deal with teachers themselves if they forgot to bring something, correct “2” for notebooks left at home, prepare the form for the next day, keep track of the presence of clean cash in the closet, dress themselves, take a shower and they brush their teeth in general from the age of 5, they themselves write down homework, they themselves learn them from classmates if they forgot to write them down, they themselves learn lessons, they themselves receive and correct deuces if they haven’t learned, etc. But at the same time, no one had a desire not to go to school. On the contrary, if you study FOR YOURSELF, then you have a MOTIVATION to study well — to gain knowledge, go to college to get the profession you want, etc. Moreover, even if for this you have to make some conscious sacrifices, for example, to learn mathematics or history that you don’t like.
Gleb’s letter
Hello, my name is Gleb, I am 13 years old. I’m already exhausted from school, I’m very tired. On the one hand, I understand that it is necessary to study. History (a subject that I deeply hate, by the way), for example, is needed to understand the mistakes of states and make the right decisions. And so with everything. This is all, as I am told, can be useful to me in life. But this is tantamount to the fact that I collect bottles on the street, they say, extra money will not hurt, but you can do without it. In short, I have a lot of deep thoughts on this topic. But I’ll be brief. Knowledge I appreciate and love. BUT! At school they force me to study, I’m bored, a lot of time is wasted, they don’t take into account the characteristics of children, they don’t try to understand and hear them, the school develops one-sidedly. Mountains of material, stress, violence, etc. The list can be continued indefinitely. I myself read a lot, do karate, in general, a normal person. But I can’t make a decision about studying… Many subjects are not given to me and they are very boring. What to do?
Answer to Gleb
Ch. Elena, psychologist, graduate of the University of Practical Psychology
Hello Gleb!
Judging by the rather literate letter, it is clear that you are a person who reads and thinks. So I want to give you really good advice.
But! I request you to take my advice with respect. With respect — it means to read, choosing, there is nothing to argue with, but something to agree with. Perhaps set aside for an hour or a day and read it again. And most importantly, put it into practice.
This is the most important thing in life — to act. You see the shortcomings of school education and you can vividly and figuratively complain about them. I see too. Many see. Many complain. But respect is given to those who do something to change the situation. They are winners in life. I call such people Creators.
Now here’s a tip.
I suggest you experiment. Psychological experiment on yourself. There is a whole series of experiments invented by psychologists for schoolchildren who are bored at school. They are described in L. Soloveichik’s book «Teaching with Passion». I’ll say right away: if you read it, good. The faster you can move from reading to work, to actions, to experiments.
If you haven’t read it, I envy you a little. Interesting, vividly and vividly written, this book contains a number of tasks for you. The first one to start with is to love history and (if necessary) correct your grades in that subject. To a high, truly ambitious, practically challenge: to raise the level of education and culture of your class, your friends.
I think a challenge is what you need. The life of teenagers today in our country is safe and uncomplicated. You are treated like children and protected from difficulties. But without difficulties there will be no victories — you know this well thanks to karate classes. To know yourself, what you are, what you can be, is possible only in real, difficult work, in action.
And the last thing — if you report the results of the experiment, it will be great.