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Unfortunately, we do not always correctly understand what healthy self-esteem is, and for modesty we take the elementary devaluation of our own achievements. Let’s try to figure out what’s what.
Low self-esteem or modesty?
Chronic self-devaluation has nothing to do with modesty. When a person underestimates himself, he refuses to look at himself objectively – he diminishes the significance of his achievements, as if acknowledging his own successes is a manifestation of arrogance and conceit. In fact, remembering your past successes and being proud of what you have achieved is normal.
Recognition of one’s own achievements is part of the foundation on which self-respect is built, which nourishes a person’s faith in himself and allows him to take on new ambitious projects. Here is what Vadim Rotenberg, psychophysiologist, professor at Tel Aviv University, says about this: “Our success in life depends not only on the desire to achieve something, but on our abilities and life circumstances. They depend even more on our self-perception, on how we see ourselves.”
“In order to live the life that we like, it is important not only to believe in ourselves, but also to believe in ourselves,” agrees writer Nikolai Kryshchuk.
Alexey, 31 years old:
“I don’t know what it means to be proud of yourself. I come from a family of fairly well-known scientists and lawyers, but I didn’t follow in the footsteps of my parents, because I didn’t want to study for a long time. As a result, he received a diploma in telecommunications. Now I make good money, but I never talk about it so as not to seem arrogant.
True, it’s not just about money: I constantly underestimated myself on many points. When I was praised for something, I answered that I had no merit in that, that it was easy. But now I know that those around me get very tired of such constant underestimation of myself.
I first encountered this when I met Irina, my future wife. You know how it happens: you really liked the girl, but if she does not talk to you herself, you will never approach her. This is our case. I would never dare to approach her. I thought she was too good for me.
Luckily (and I still don’t know why), she noticed me and we started dating. I remember our first frank conversation. We had to tell each other about our two biggest flaws and two of our strengths. It is clear that I could make a whole list of my shortcomings, but it was very difficult for me to find at least two virtues in myself.
In the end, I defined myself as a hard-working and humble person. To which Irina replied an amazing thing: what I am trying to show to others is not modesty, but stupidity. Modesty is not about hiding your virtues and successes from others. She also explained to me that my low self-esteem is very inconvenient for others, because everyone knows that I reject any compliments addressed to me, and constantly saying “no, you are very good” is very tiring.
It was unpleasant for me to hear this, but I realized a very important thing: the more I wanted to appear modest, the more arrogant I became, I was talking about myself all the time!”
Low self-esteem or arrogance?
Oddly enough, there is a lot in common between arrogance and the habit of constantly devaluing oneself. The logic of an arrogant person: “I have achieved something, therefore, I can be proud of it. I’m damn talented, that’s obvious. I am much more talented than those with whom I have to communicate.
An arrogant person perceives the world through the prism of his success and belittles all those who are not as successful as he is. People with low self-esteem use a different thought pattern: “I have achieved something that I can be proud of. But to be proud of something is to show arrogance. Therefore, I should not show that I am proud of my act, I should belittle myself.
In both cases, reality is distorted. Thus, both come to wrong judgments about themselves and about others: everything is either good or bad. People with low self-esteem judge others too categorically, according to Stephen Graham and Margaret Clark, psychologists at Yale University (USA).
“Those of us who underestimate ourselves generally tend to be black and white,” said Dr. Clarke. – It is difficult for them to realize that a person nearby can have both positive and negative traits. In addition, they are very worried about how relatives treat them. When everything goes well, they tend to idealize a partner, but at the first discord they focus on his negative qualities. This form of self-protection helps insecure people avoid intimacy and the pain associated with it.”
Humility without depreciation
In dictionaries, the concept of modesty is defined as a moderate assessment of oneself. Being humble means being able to say to yourself: “I managed to do something, so I can do it,” without generalizing and without comparing yourself with others.
True modesty is manifested in openness towards others, in the ability not to overload people with increased attention, positive or negative, to one’s own person. Being humble means accepting and forgiving mistakes, your own and others, and not judging people for their successes or failures.
If something doesn’t work, it’s not because the person is bad. Conversely, success does not prove that one is better than the other.
It’s important
- Low self-esteem is not a sign of modesty.
- Being humble does not mean devaluing yourself. The habit of devaluing oneself is akin to arrogance. People with high and low self-esteem perceive reality distortedly, constantly compare themselves with others and are too categorical in their judgments.
- True modesty is an extension of true pride.