«Don’t try to change those who don’t want to change»

At first glance, protecting loved ones from trouble is perfectly reasonable and correct. Unfortunately, it often turns out that they do not want to be helped. Not all people want to change (at least in the direction you would like to change them), and this is their right. As much as you want to help, you cannot force people to change, you cannot solve their problems for them. Even if you sincerely wish them the best and you have a good idea how you can help.

We simply cannot solve their problems for others, and trying to do so often only makes things worse. If you often worry about the fact that others do not follow your advice or do not want to accept your help, you are tired of constantly being imposed, you have the feeling that you are talking to a blank wall, perhaps the whole point is that this person is not wants to change.

It is important to understand what part of the problem you can influence. We are most often aware that we are unable to control others or solve their problems. But sometimes we still mistakenly try to fix or change something, not understanding who is actually responsible for the problem. Our sincere desire to help, to protect, to be a hero clouds our minds.

Often we think we know best and try to force our ideas on others, whether they want to or not. We believe that any problems that affect us should be solved by us. This delusion leads to the fact that we begin to unsuccessfully try to control what is actually beyond our control.

For example, your spouse is unable or unwilling to find a job, or your teenage child has started smoking. These problems affect you, but this does not mean that you should deal with them. You can’t find a job for a husband or wife, or get a teenager to quit smoking. But if your spouse’s unemployment has left you in debt and you’re feeling anxious because of it, here’s something you can do about it.

Realizing that our responsibility is limited and we cannot solve other people’s problems for them, we should not at all consider ourselves powerless and helpless. Quite the contrary, it allows us to direct energy in the right direction: to determine what we can influence, what part of the problem we can solve, and start doing it.

Why does trying to solve other people’s problems do more harm than good?

By trying to help in the way that feels right to us, we can unwittingly create a whole bunch of fresh problems. I often regret not being able to solve other people’s problems. But when I try, it always ends badly — I start talking in a bossy tone, giving advice and pretending to be a know-it-all.

It’s definitely not something to be proud of. When we think we know what others want or need, we are overconfident. There is actually a very unfriendly message hidden in our attempts to help: “I know better than you how to solve your problems. I don’t trust your mind and common sense. You are either stupid and incompetent, or lazy.»

Our importunity and unsolicited advice create additional stress, tension appears in the relationship, which can result in an open conflict. Trying to help, solve, correct, save, we seem to say that we know best how to do the right thing. We act haughtily and arrogantly, treat the other person with disdain and condescension. By making decisions for others, we undermine their independence, deprive them of the opportunity to acquire valuable experience, grow and develop themselves. We are distracted from solving our own problems. Sometimes, for some reason, it is easier for us to improve someone else’s life than our own.

Instead of doing things for others, we can let them live their own lives, make their own decisions, make mistakes, and deal with the consequences of those mistakes. In this way, we not only shift our attention to what is under our control, but also show respect for the autonomy of others.

Sometimes we can really help

Of course, there are situations when we can and should help others. But it is important to be able to distinguish situations where help is needed from those in which a person is able to cope on his own.

It is equally important to make sure that your help is ready to accept. Before you help someone, ask yourself: “Does this person want my help?” If you are not sure, ask him or her directly.

But you can also help in different ways. Are you doing it right? For example, your wife wants to lose weight and wants you to help her. Perhaps she would like you to prepare diet meals for her several times a week. In this case, she is unlikely to appreciate the «help» if you just remind her every day how many calories are in the dishes she eats.

If someone does not want your help or advice, it is better to remain silent. Sometimes the best advice is no advice. Often we give advice not because we want to help, but to drown out anxiety or, out of a bad habit, to get into other people’s business. Be open, welcoming, and let friends and family know that you are always available for advice or help. And they will decide for themselves if they need support.

Control or influence?

We make the mistake of confusing control and influence. Sometimes we can influence loved ones by pushing them to the right decision or pointing the way, but we cannot completely control them. We can give advice, useful information (if they are willing to listen to us), but we cannot force them to follow our own goals.

How to stop «fixing» and «saving» others?

Before turning on the rescue and assistant mode, ask yourself a few questions:

• Is this my problem or someone else’s, which only indirectly affects me?
• Can I fix this problem or change the situation for the better?
• Is it my responsibility to try to change the other person?
• How can I look at the problem differently, focusing on what is under my control?
• Can I influence something?
• Someone asked for my help or advice?
• Am I trying to impose my solutions to problems and my ideas on others?
• Am I helping or indulging other people’s vices?
• Why am I even trying to solve this problem?
• Or maybe I’m just trying to cope with my own anxiety and fear about what might happen?
• If so, can I find another way to overcome my anxiety about an uncertain future that I have no control over?

If you’ve been trying to change or fix others for years, it will take time for you to move away from established patterns. Be patient and indulgent with yourself, try to focus on what is under your control, on those problems that you can really solve. If you’re worried and annoyed by not being able to handle something, you may just be trying to solve someone else’s problem.

About the Author: Sharon Martin is a psychotherapist based in California.