“Don’t touch with your hands!”: why some people can’t stand touching

We are all different: although most of us enjoy being touched, there are those who are repulsed by them. Sometimes it can be a sign of mental pathologies – for example, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and in other cases – a formed character trait.

From the point of view of psychoanalysis, the desire to avoid tactile contact is associated with a lack of tenderness on the part of parents in childhood, explains psychotherapist Irina Belousova. A child raised in such an environment develops an avoidant type of attachment, in which it is extremely difficult for him to be loving and open, and also to show his feelings even in close relationships.

“If such a personality trait brings you discomfort, then it can be worked out with a specialist. But if you are comfortable, then there is not much point in changing anything. After all, the norm is a flexible concept, ”the expert notes.

“Tactile “coldness” is characteristic of me because in childhood I learned to suppress emotions”

Victoria, 23 years old

It seems to me that everyone has different “tactile boundaries”. For some, it’s completely normal to hug strangers. They do not attach any special significance to touch – for them it is something everyday. But at the same time, most will not kiss the first person they meet on the lips – this is already a violation of boundaries.

For me, like a kiss on the lips, any touch is felt. If someone abruptly wants to touch me, it unsettles me. I can’t even let my friends do that. At the same time, my partner, for example, should know that if I move away from touch, this does not mean that I will never want tactile communication.

When I ask for the first time to respect the boundaries, many are offended: “If you don’t want, I won’t touch you at all.” It often upsets me. Also, some get scared and begin to respect the boundaries too much. But the best tactic is to just ask me if I’m ready to be touched, or wait until I make the first move myself. The main thing is not to close yourself from me right away.

I have been a non-tactile person since childhood – even my parents always asked why I was so wild. I recall with horror my relatives who, at all family holidays, constantly wanted to touch me and hug me.

I think that this tactile “coldness” is characteristic of me because in childhood I learned to suppress emotions. I was a rather hysterical child, and when another whim began, my parents said: “Go to another room, shout there and come back when you calm down.” I did just that: I put on a mask of calmness and returned to “normal people”.

“I just didn’t have the need for tactility”

Natalia, 33 years

I have a rather despotic family in which tenderness has never been held in high esteem. Even in early childhood, my mother hardly hugged or stroked me. I think it’s because she gave birth to me early, I was an unexpected child. In the end, it turned out that we had a relationship like friends.

Now I have a feeling that the need for tactility was simply not laid in me. In this regard, such attention to me from other people – even my favorite guys – seems to me too intrusive, strange and repulsive.

Sometimes I think I’m wrong. But on the other hand, I understand that this feature of mine is a great way to track how my partner really treats me, whether he is ready to respect my personal boundaries, whether he respects me and whether I can trust.

“My girls really suffered from this”

Alexander, 29 years old

In my case, the avoidance of touch, it seems to me, is caused more by physiological features. I’m just ticklish and uncomfortable.

Of course, I admit that there is something psychosomatic in this phenomenon. Perhaps such a rejection was formed in connection with some psychological processes, but I do not remember any serious injuries. Moreover, we have this family – my sister, for example, is also physically unpleasant to touch.

To be honest, my girls really suffered from this. It was extremely difficult for them to understand that I refuse constant “hugs” and “kisses” not because I really don’t like my partners or find them unattractive, but because I just am. Now I do not have a partner, but I hope that someday I will be able to meet one who will understand my features, will not take them personally and, moreover, will not try to change me.

How to behave as a partner?

Psychotherapist Irina Belousova is sure that it is real to find mutual understanding in a couple where one person craves touches, and the other tries in every possible way to avoid them. To do this, she suggests five steps:

1. It is important to understand and acknowledge that you are different. You need more touch, he needs less, and both of you are used to a certain strategy of behavior. Nevertheless, you can always agree on how convenient and comfortable for both.
2. You need to trust. The frozen heart of a non-tactile person can still thaw if you become a faithful, open and responsive partner. After all, this is precisely what he, perhaps, lacked in early childhood. Do not rush time, your task is just to be there.
3. Will have to wait. Try to reduce the physical distance gradually, carefully and in a timely manner – but only with the consent of the partner. So, he will give you the go-ahead for physical rapprochement, and you will manage this process.
4. It’s important to speak. For a non-tactile person, some of the emotional meanings that we convey through the body automatically disappear from communication. We’ll have to make up for them with words. You yourself can notice that he, like air, needs conversations about love and support. You will have to learn how to fit the maximum of meanings and feelings into words.
5. We need an emotional investment. Keep in mind that you fell in love with a person who was deprived of them as a child. In addition, it is quite possible that he often met with violations of his borders by loved ones. It is not easy for him to believe in himself, to stop being afraid of his vulnerability, to become strong. He can be tough on the outside, but extremely vulnerable on the inside. Therefore, relations with such a person require serious involvement, investing your personal resources in him in any way that is understandable to him.

“An important point: it is difficult to avoid the phenomenon of codependency if you are not aware of what exactly you are doing and why you are investing in a person who can periodically test your strength. But I hope that everything will work out for you and your couple will successfully fulfill this therapeutic function, ”concludes Irina Belousova.