Don’t let yourself be drawn into conflict

“You are incredibly cruel. I would never do that to you.» Such an unpleasant message was received by one of the clients, let’s call her Sarah, from her ex-husband. He was angry because their daughter didn’t invite him to the wedding. Instead of sorting out the relationship with his daughter, he placed the responsibility for her actions on Sarah. The unfair accusation touched the woman.

But the essence is not limited to heated personal conflicts. We find it difficult to protect ourselves from the dramas that are unfolding around us. If life flows quietly and peacefully, it is enough to pick up a smartphone to receive news that will unsettle. Most of these dramas are distracting, to say the least. It’s hard for us to just turn away and forget about them. The brain is «programmed» to love novelty, stimuli, and social information. Drama combines these components.

But when we are surrounded by disturbing events 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, we lose the ability to live a conscious life. Drama robs us of calmness, prevents us from reflecting and having deep conversations. If we have a constant source of drama, we get used to taking on weaker roles in our lives. They destroy relationships and stimulate feelings of helplessness, shame, or superiority.

Here’s how it goes. In 1968, psychologist Stephen Karpman developed the Karpman Drama Triangle social model. He described three types of dysfunctional behaviors that we display when we are immersed in interpersonal drama. Karpman admits that interpersonal conflicts entertain us and can even cause addiction. But they harm the participants.

According to Karpman, there are three main roles in the conflict that form a triangle:

1. The first and most familiar role is that of the victim. Please note that this is not about the real victim. This is a person who feels or behaves as if he is being attacked or oppressed. Victims often feel overwhelmed and helpless. Deep down, they usually feel shame and often revel in self-pity.
2. Victims identify the stalker — the person they think is attacking. They characterize the persecutor as controlling and critical. When we take on the role of a stalker, we often act with anger, harshness, and a sense of superiority.
3. Every victim has a rescuer who tries to save her from mistreatment. Trying on the role of a lifeguard is nice, but it does not help. Despite good intentions, the rescuer keeps the drama going by helping the victim keep their role.

These roles are seductive because they give us a sense of power, albeit a false one. Victims profess innocence, receive scrutiny from rescuers, and shun responsibility for their own lives. Persecutors get the right to take the place of the strongest and feel their superiority.

Rescuers experience righteous anger and empathy. They also feel superior to both the victim and the persecutor. Rescuers avoid the negative shadow that hangs over the victim and persecutor, but their role in the conflict is also not healthy. Focusing on someone else’s conflict is a common excuse for ignoring your own problems. Rescuers usually benefit from the victim continuing to feel weak and helpless, so they allow her to avoid change and not take responsibility for her life.

These roles are so deeply rooted in the cultural environment that we accept them without even noticing it. But they act like junk food: they provide short-term stimulation and a surge of strength, but weaken us in the long run. Here are three tips to help you avoid these dysfunctional roles.

1. Don’t Get Involved

When Sarah received a nasty message from her ex-husband, he played the role of victim, making Sarah a stalker. He also brought a mutual friend into the conflict as a rescuer. A friend also began to write to Sarah and ask her to help her ex-husband to improve relations with her daughter.

Sarah had to make a choice: to get involved in the conflict or not. She could have simply ignored the nasty message from her ex-husband, or sent him to talk to her daughter directly.

2. Question your thoughts

When Sarah was portrayed as a villain, it was hard for her not to get involved. She felt that the messages could not be ignored. This would give the ex-husband grounds to establish himself in the rightness. She wanted to defend herself in the face of an unfair accusation.

In addition, Sarah was sincerely sorry for her ex-husband, although she understood and supported her daughter’s decision. Sarah wanted to intervene in the conflict, although this had never ended in success before.

Remember one of the most important stress reduction tactics — don’t believe everything you think. To avoid falling into Karpman’s dramatic triangle, Sarah needed to question her thoughts. It seemed to her that the situation would change for the better if she tried to fix it — that is, she would change the role of the pursuer to the role of the rescuer. Her involvement would only deepen the rift between her daughter and ex-husband.

3. Choose other roles

If conflict cannot be avoided, dysfunctional roles must be turned into productive ones.

Victims can become creators. To do this, you need to shift the focus of attention from the problem to the result. What do we want to learn from this situation? When we take responsibility for the role we play in a conflict, we are exchanging the victim’s false power for real power. We create the life we ​​want.

Pursuers can become opponents. These people push the victim, who is now becoming a creator, to clarify their needs and focus on personal growth and development. Opponents always tell the truth, even if it is unpleasant.

The rescuer can become a coach who sees the creator as someone who can solve their own problems. The coach asks questions that help the creator see opportunities for positive action and focus on what they really want.

Let’s get back to Sarah’s story. In the end, she decided not to try to protect her ex-husband and not make excuses for her daughter. She did not try to calm her husband by sending photos from the wedding. By telling the truth, she turned into an opponent. She also tried to take on the role of a coach. Sarah asked him what kind of relationship he would like to have with his daughter and what steps he could take to achieve this. But the ex-husband did not seek to understand the problem or build a new relationship with his daughter. He didn’t get what he wanted from Sarah, so he cut her out of the drama triangle and left her alone. For Sarah, the silence was the end of the conflict.