Don’t let the child become violent

In one of the prestigious lyceums, fourth-graders wrote a presentation. The teacher was called to the director for a minute, and during this time two classmates managed to quarrel: Anton looked into Vika’s notebook, she covered the page with her hand, he called her a vermin, she hit him with a notebook. In response, the boy pushed the neighbor with such force that she fell off her chair and broke her arm…

This story could be considered just an accident if modern teachers and parents more and more often – with bitterness and confusion – did not note in the behavior of children the desire to solve problems by force.

“Today, if children fight, they hit very hard,” says psychologist Olga Kardashina. “Conflict often ends in injury, and this happens not only with children from dysfunctional families or with those who spend a lot of time watching TV or playing computer games, which is how many used to think.”

What to do in such situations – to punish? And how to prevent the very possibility of our child becoming aggressive and even more cruel?

When should parents start worrying?

It is not easy for parents to grasp the magnitude of the problem they are facing. Who can really be called a “problem child”? A preschooler who yells in anger at a parent’s “no”? A second grader who fights at recess? Or a teenager who uses his fists at every opportunity?

“I couldn’t decide where the so-called normal boyish pranks end and the abnormal ones begin,” admits Lilia, the mother of two first-grader twins. – Vitya and Mitya have always been excitable, but I really felt uneasy when the mother of their classmate complained that my children cornered her son and made him “dark”.

We went to a child psychologist, who reassured me and advised … take them to a good sports section. “It is important that the coach orients children not to records at any cost, but to the development of human qualities through sports,” says psychologist Edwiga Antje. “Only in this case, playing sports and the acquired skills will be good for the child, and he will not demonstrate strength on his younger brothers and weaker friends, while enjoying his superiority.”

“Parents need to worry when a child takes pleasure in harming another and seeing him suffer,” emphasizes child psychologist Maria Serebryakova. – Only those children who are constantly aggressive to the point of cruelty can be called truly problematic. For them, this way of behavior is the main tactic: they are drawn into a destructive funnel, regardless of the age and social status of the family.

If the child fights only from time to time and at the same time takes into account the authority of the elders, is ready to accept their explanations and prohibitions – his behavior is quite normal.

Child psychologist Severin Phoenix, author of a large-scale study of problem behavior in schoolchildren, adds: “There are many nuances and details that determine the severity of a child’s problem. Sometimes a child’s antisocial behavior is not the disease itself, but only a symptom that hides the real causes of his condition. And they need to be found – otherwise it will be impossible to really help such a child.

Aggressiveness as a stage of development

It is clear that the problem of aggressive behavior cannot be solved by punishment alone. For one simple but often overlooked reason: the child’s personality is still being formed. And at the same time, according to the theory of psychoanalysis, all the indispensable stages of development go through, including the stage of aggressiveness, which can sometimes take very cruel forms.

“For children one and a half to two years old, aggression can be a completely natural reaction: they pushed me, and I pushed,” explains Olga Kardashina. “As well as for teenage rebels, driven by the desire to assert themselves, opposing themselves to the world around them.”

This energy of childish aggressiveness, the psychologist emphasizes, is important to direct in a different, not destructive, but constructive direction. The family, school and society must act together in this so that adults recognize and use their authority by setting reasonable prohibitions, and children perceive this authority as a legitimate and necessary force, transforming their aggressiveness into more acceptable feelings.

Families where cruelty is born

If the authority of adults is weak or simply absent, the child begins to splash out his aggressive impulses on others and can get used to this style of behavior. Children who are deprived of parental understanding and empathy for their feelings are at particular risk, stresses the child psychotherapist Maurice Berger. “Such children cannot describe their mental suffering in words,” the specialist says. “They never met sympathy in their parents, and therefore cannot sympathize with others.”

“Often, even from three or four-year-old children, you can hear:“ I am very angry with you and don’t know how to deal with this, ”says Maria Serebryakova. – Parents, without delving into it, are only annoyed: “Stop it!” But even if the child becomes silent, his aggression does not disappear. It will definitely manifest itself somewhere else or turn into auto-aggression – a feeling of guilt, a sense of one’s own inferiority, uselessness.

One way or another, behind the manifestations of childish anger, rudeness and cruelty, there are always certain problems of the family in which the child grows up. Rather, his family itself is unstable, does not give him the necessary understanding, warmth, protection – and gives rise to children’s problems.

“The most difficult situations usually develop where parents do not have the slightest doubt about the correctness of their own actions and views on education, and therefore shift all responsibility onto others – society, teachers, doctors,” says Maurice Berger. – To help your child, you yourself need to respond to his behavior adequately and as early as possible. Not to perceive the desire to scold or beat the offender as something natural, but also not to reduce the child’s personality to the definition of “aggressive”, understanding that some kind of suffering is always hidden behind his behavior.

The eminent English pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott argued that “children’s antisocial behavior is an SOS signal, a desire to receive support from strong, loving and trustworthy people.” This is exactly what adults should hear in it.

How do parents respond to child abuse?

Child psychologist Edwig Antje in the book “Aggressiveness” explains the reasons for the aggressive behavior of children of different ages and advises parents on how best to act when faced with such reactions of the child.

Up to 1 year

Reasons for aggression: hunger, intestinal colic, fear, a sense of insecurity, the need for constant confirmation of maternal love.

Ways of expression: cry, cry.

What to do: feed, pick up, caress, smile, talk. Be with your child more often even while at home, carry it on your stomach or back in a backpack or move it with you in a high chair.

What not to do: do not leave a crying child unattended; don’t yell at him; do not soothe with a pacifier; do not frighten with loud sounds and sudden movements; do not impose your will on him in the game.

1 – 1,5 of the year

Reasons for aggression: dissatisfaction with the imposed restrictions and prohibitions.

Ways of expression: stubbornness, refusal to eat and sleep, nocturnal awakening, crying.

What to do: intelligibly and restrainedly explain each of your “no”; be an authoritative but not authoritarian leader; encourage but control children’s curiosity and exploratory excitement; come to the aid of a crying child with all possible haste.

What not to do: never forcefully shake the child by the shoulders (this can lead to cerebral hemorrhage); do not submit yourself completely to his will; Don’t let him cry for a long time.

1,5 – 3 of the year

Reasons for aggression: the beginning of the child’s self-identification; conflict of unsatisfied children’s desires and needs with the will and views of parents.

Ways of expression: screaming, kicking, pinching, biting, scratching, beating toys.

What to do: do not suppress rage, but let it splash out; call the child to order calmly, kindly and firmly; play more with the child.

What not to do: do not make fun of the child’s rage, do not respond with aggression.

3 – 6 years

Reasons for aggression: irrepressible energy, constant thirst for knowledge of the world and communication; jealousy for mother.

Ways of expression: swear words, crying, whims.

What to do: talk more with the child, but avoid moralizing and lectures; develop his sense of humor. From the age of 5, most children learn new, less barbaric ways of communicating.

What not to do: do not succumb to provocation and ignore swear words, do not swear in the presence of a child; do not leave him alone for a long time, but resort to the help of other family members or invite a nanny.

7 – 12 years

Reasons for aggression: natural (age) aggressiveness.

Ways of expression: squabbles with peers, fuss, fights.

What to do: direct the child’s energy to outdoor games, classes in sections and circles; to teach him to clothe emotions in verbal form; focus on social values; to dose the time of watching TV programs and computer games.

What not to do: do not shame the child if he failed to win the fight; do not allow him to watch TV shows with scenes of excessive cruelty and violence; do not encourage the passion for too “bloody” video games.