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Our mind is a «meaning-seeking machine». He tries to protect us, to minimize pain and suffering. However, the methods by which he tries to solve problems here and now often turn out to be counterproductive in the long run. Take, for example, intrusive negative thoughts — they can spoil the pleasure of life. How to get rid of them?
Fighting negative thoughts is very tiring. Waiting for the anxiety to go away is like putting off driving until a rowdy back seat passenger tries to teach you how to drive properly. Perhaps he will never shut up, and for some reason you can’t kick him out of the car, and now you are standing still because of him. There is a better option: to change the attitude towards these thoughts. We can be patient and understanding, while at the same time making it clear that it is we who are “driving” and deciding where to go next.
Here are a few questions to ask yourself in order to move away from the flow of bad thoughts and stop obsessing over them.
1. If I allow this thought to control my behavior, where will it take me?
Let’s say you tell yourself that you can’t fly to visit a close friend because you’re afraid to fly. But how will this affect your friendship? I’m not trying to downplay the severity of this phobia, but if you decide that it’s really important for you to see a friend, then you may not let fear limit you.
You can see a therapist, take a course to combat aerophobia, or, if the anxiety is not so strong, just be patient for the opportunity to see a friend.
2. What lessons can I learn from this experience to grow and develop?
Imagine not being hired for your dream job. How can you support yourself in this situation? If you indulge in self-criticism, will it help you become more resilient or, on the contrary, will it drive you into depression? Do you want to become more persistent, creative, flexible? And what about self-compassion, which you especially need just when you fail to live up to your own expectations? In addition, by empathizing with ourselves, we simultaneously learn to empathize with others — solid benefits.
3. How will suffering and adversity make my life more meaningful?
Sometimes, by depriving us of what should have brought us happiness, life actually presents us with a priceless gift. And sometimes, having received what we want (an expensive car, a prestigious job), we understand that the feeling of inner emptiness has not gone anywhere. But in any case, we can learn something new about ourselves, and this is the only way to get this knowledge. This test cannot be passed “automatically” — you have to study.
In order to step back a little from thoughts and feelings, it can be useful to “talk” or even “argue” with them. For example, like this: “This is an interesting thought”, “I had a feeling that …”, “I noticed that I had a thought about …”, “I had a depressive feeling.”
Don’t judge yourself for mistakes made in the past. They teach us to make the right decisions in the present.
We can allow thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations to simply come and go without interfering with our full lives. We can give them freedom and watch them like passing clouds, without confusing them with the sky, which will remain after the clouds have gone. We can move towards the intended goal, and not try to run away from discomfort.
Instead of setting the goal of always being happy (which is simply impossible), we can focus on what is really important: kindness, patience, courage, relationships with loved ones. We can try to live by these principles despite the challenges that arise. And, although falls are inevitable, we can get up every time and move on.
Every experience you have is a gift. Don’t judge yourself for mistakes made in the past. They teach us to make the right decisions in the present. This is the road to inner peace
About the author: Rachel Finzi is a psychotherapist at the University of California, Los Angeles.