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Shying away from change, avoiding problem solving and taking bold steps all hinder our progress. Remaining in the familiar «swamp» of the familiar world, we can deprive ourselves of the chances for happiness and self-realization. Psychotherapist Mary Hartwell-Walker describes five mechanisms that act as blocks to growth and renewal.
If you look at life as a journey, you have to admit that it doesn’t always go smoothly. But it doesn’t have to be, says family therapist Mary Hartwell-Walker. Our growth comes from obstacles and problem solving. Many of us tend to shy away from difficult and painful situations, but they are the ones that cause the «wheels» of our psyche to turn.
The expert lists some very common ways to get stuck.
1. Stick to what is comfortable
Doing only what is easy or expedient may be convenient, but it does not increase our competence and self-esteem.
Whenever Hartwell-Walker challenged one of her clients to try something that would take her out of her comfort zone, she protested. “I like my track! I know what to expect along the way, even if it doesn’t suit me.» But then why did she continue to come to psychotherapy once a week?
“She hoped that I would get her out of the “swamp” in the most convenient and comfortable way for her,” explains the psychotherapist. — But no. I could push her, but what mattered was her willingness to change her life. After months of preparation, my client tried it and was delighted to find that life outside of her rut was so much better.”
2. Consider that the choice in life is made once and for all
One Hartwell-Walker teacher put it quite radically: «There are only two events that cannot be undone or corrected: to end one’s life by killing oneself or another, or to give another life by becoming a parent.» All other actions and mistakes can be corrected, and changes are always possible, at any age … If we are ready to overcome our fears.
We all know the stories of people who decided to radically change their lives. Social networks and the media often publish stories about those who at the age of 50 went to learn a new profession, divorced their spouse after 20 years of an unhappy marriage, or left a well-paid job to, for example, take up mountaineering. Such people may be considered crazy, but each of them at some point realized that life is one and it is worth living happily.
3. Expect different results from the same actions
We do this all the time. Over and over again we choose unsuitable partners, like two drops of water similar to the previous ones. We regularly load ourselves with work so much that, as a result, due to overloads, we generally drop out of the process for a while. We spend more than we earn.
If we are stuck in a situation, then it is time for a new perspective. Sometimes it is difficult to understand this on your own — in this case, the support of a specialist will help. Counseling often helps us start thinking about the situation differently than we are used to, in order to find an effective way out of it.
4. Refuse to try
Nobody likes failure. In order not to lose respect from others or self-respect, it is often easier for us not to challenge our capabilities at all, to give up trying. We may make excuses by claiming that we did not have the time, materials, opportunity, or support. We can try to maintain our self-esteem by focusing on what we could do if, if, if…
Many of us have colleagues who put off writing important reports until the last minute. When they receive less than flattering feedback, they may comfort themselves with, “Well, I would do better if I had more time,” “forgetting” that they themselves created the deadline problem. According to Mary Hartwell-Walker, this mindset allows you to avoid failure, but also to receive feedback, without which growth is impossible.
5. Avoid rejection
Those whose fear of rejection outweighs their courage and optimism often do not try to find a new job or get promoted. They don’t invite potential partners on a date, they don’t invite friends to a party, they don’t try to be part of a team. They are sure in advance that they will hear a resounding “no” in response.
Growth often comes when we dig deep and find the courage to take risks even if we don’t succeed. Sometimes we win. But even failure can teach us how to do something better the next time we find or create that opportunity for ourselves.
“Yes, life is hard. And the use of one or more of the strategies listed above guarantees the very disappointment and emotional pain that we may be trying to avoid, Mary Hartwell-Walker is convinced. “Growth comes from hardship and the search for courage, strength, resources and support.”
About the Expert: Mary Hartwell-Walker is a Family Therapist.