Don’t finish the victim: five forbidden phrases

As an author and researcher, I have had the opportunity to interact with thousands of people who have suffered from attacks and abuse. Therefore, I am all too familiar with the methods of accusation that cause retraumatization in those who have experienced unimaginable horrors. At first glance, harmless, on-duty phrases spoken with good intentions cause them unbearable pain and prevent them from returning to normal life.

Most do not even realize how devastating the consequences of victimblaming are. Research confirms that misunderstanding and condemnation from law enforcement officials, medical professionals, friends and family destroy the already broken psyche of victims: they hide their pain, blame themselves and begin to think that they got what they deserved. This is a particularly sophisticated form of gaslighting and re-victimization.

Our society has created dangerous myths about the treatment of crime victims. We must know the irreparable harm they cause to people who have experienced violence, and never say the following phrases.

1. “You are not a victim! It’s all in your head»

Convincing someone who has suffered that he allegedly needs to get rid of the victim’s mindset is meaningless and mean. However, pseudo-coaches and “caring” relatives often sin with this. I do not argue that it is useful to get rid of negative attitudes and change your life for the better, but there is nothing more tactless than a hackneyed phrase: “You are not a victim. Everything is in your head.»

When it comes to constant humiliation, beatings, rape and other torment, there is no “victim mindset”. This is a real tragedy, not a far-fetched role.

Being the victim of an assault or prolonged bullying means suffering from multiple effects of trauma, including depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, communication problems, severe addictions, self-torture, and even suicide attempts.

Of course, those who survived and did not break deserve respect, but this does not negate the fact that they went through hell.

2. “To make it easier, forgive the rapist. Let go of resentment and hatred

Forgiveness comes consciously. Experienced trauma therapists understand that it is impossible to force things, especially when the trauma has not yet been worked through, otherwise it will interfere with healing.

“I had to work with people who had gone through a nightmare. Rape, kidnapping, sexual slavery, torture, moral abuse. I told everyone: “You don’t need to forgive in order to live on. Everything you feel is important and natural.”

When we can become aware and accept our darkest and most destructive emotions, the pain will gradually subside. My “no need to forgive” almost everyone evoked a sigh of relief,” writes trauma therapist Anastasia Pollock.

When psychologists, relatives or the offender himself try to force a person to forgive everything that was done to him — for the sake of his own moral satisfaction, in order to whitewash the villain or calm the public — this leads to what is called «false forgiveness.» It doesn’t help the victim. The way out is in conscious healthy anger and protection of personal dignity.

According to research, “undisguised righteous anger becomes a means of self-defense and allows you to define the boundaries of what is acceptable.

Verbal discharge, a way to vent aggression in the therapist’s office, also helps to cope with childhood trauma, soften the internal critic, restore the ability to trust people and reduce the intensity of involuntary memories that make us experience fear and powerlessness again and again.

3. «Rapists also need love, sympathy and hugs»

Dr. George Simon, an expert on manipulation, notes that kind and selfless people are especially vulnerable to manipulators. He writes: “Immoral types instantly figure out naive simpletons. That’s who you can make fun of plenty! Unfortunately, too noble people often deceive themselves, believing that they can remake scoundrels.

Sermons about joining hands with offenders and singing hymns of bliss do not stand up to scrutiny when it comes to a malicious manipulator. Of course, I would like to think that anyone is able to improve, one has only to give him a chance, but this illusion is shattered by reality: monsters do not change and will forever mock those who open the door to them again and again.

To persuade the victim to love the executioner and give him the opportunity to repent is really to continue the cycle of violence. This is a covert attempt to impose guilt on the victim and force him to switch to the service of the offender, instead of seeking justice and supporting the real victim.

4. “Has anyone thought of a rapist? He’s been through so much! Everything in the world is interconnected, we need to help each other”

There is a common misconception that since the abuser had a difficult childhood, a streak of life failures or chemical addiction, the victim is obliged to “help” him, despite egregious cases of emotional and physical abuse.

Relationship experts say that virtually all domestic tyrants tend to be narcissistic or sociopathic. It must be understood that narcissists know how to pretend to be unhappy, just to lure the victim, and, as a rule, refuse psychological help and treatment.

Dr. Martha Stout, an expert on destructive behavior, emphasizes that attempts to pressure pity, combined with vile acts, indicate a complete lack of conscience.

Love and mercy will not eradicate rigid behavior patterns learned at an early age, nor will it cure a lack of empathy. The fact that someone was mistreated by their parents does not justify violence.

Remember: many victims also had a difficult childhood, traumatic experience and low self-esteem, but it did not occur to them to take out the evil on others. They seriously thought about their behavior and made a promise to themselves to change, not waiting for someone to save them or agree to endure humiliation.

They weren’t looking for someone to help them reform. Thus, the best thing that can be done for the abuser is to give him the opportunity to solve problems on his own or with the help of a therapist.

5. “Everything comes back. Send this person the energy of goodness and it will come back to you.”

Now there are a lot of spiritual currents that practice denial, repression, rationalization, self-blame to avoid traumatic memories. Modern society has come up with workshops on cleansing negative thoughts, meditation on kindness and love for enemies, seminars where they teach to see “karmic” twins in their executioners, sent to teach us important lessons.

There is nothing wrong with meditation, prayer, yoga, alternative beliefs and the search for meaning when they are aimed at self-improvement and broadening one’s horizons. But at the same time, such actions can cause severe post-traumatic disorder.

If the goal of spiritual practice is to take on other people’s sins, free the culprit from responsibility, suppress your emotions, it is dangerous for mental health.

Spiritual transformation of trauma has become so popular that it seems normal for us to wish well to our tormentors, and if not, something is wrong with us, we do not work enough to stay positive. This belief is contrary to everything that is actually necessary for psychological recovery.

Psychotherapist Annie Wright describes spiritual transformation as a process where people cling to religious principles or attitudes that allow them to close their eyes to inner problems and strong negative feelings, to do without working on themselves, and instead embrace the concept of positivity and universal love.

Meanwhile, she notes, spiritual transformation rarely helps to cope with the consequences of trauma, since deep negative emotions will sooner or later spill out in the most unsightly form.

It is much healthier to accept and live your true feelings, not suppress them in order to appear mature, spiritually enlightened, or morally strong. It is much more useful to work through difficult experiences with an experienced psychologist before sending rays of love and kindness to all those who have harmed us. Only then will the decision be sincere.

Your feelings for the rapist and thoughts about the suffering experienced are just, whatever they may be. This is the path to recovery. No one should hold you back, much less shame you. Allow yourself to feel what you feel. Your true emotions are sacred, this is also a form of spirituality. To respect oneself, among other things, means to defend one’s absolute right to honor and dignity.

Show love, kindness, and compassion for yourself by cutting off toxic relationships that harm your well-being. You don’t owe anyone but yourself: do everything possible to make the so-called well-wishers disappear from your life.

Author: Shahida Arabi