When troubles, big or small, happen, we want to “nominate” the culprits and unleash our wrath on them. Sometimes others are accused, and sometimes we ourselves. Don’t jump to conclusions, advises psychotherapist Aaron Carmine. Most often, it’s enough just to calm down and look at everything with a fresh look.
The only way to stop blaming yourself and others is to realize that it’s not about faults, mistakes, and shortcomings, but about human imperfection. Despite the mistakes and mistakes, everyone is worthy of love and respect. These are not crimes to be expiated for.
We easily forgive ourselves for mistakes if we are satisfied with the result. If not, it is much more difficult to forgive, and this makes everyone feel bad. But we have a choice: not to take an unfortunate result to heart. It does not diminish our personal value. For example, if we are usually 20 minutes late, a friend can leave without us. No offense. If we are hurt by it, it is up to us to decide whether something is worth fixing. Buddy has nothing to do with it, it’s only our problem.
Moreover, we are not obliged to answer for other people’s mistakes. If your partner breaks a plate, don’t blame yourself: “Oh, I left it on the edge of the table.” This is a waste of time and effort. Life is too short to return to the role of a delinquent child. Imperfect people smash cymbals from time to time. And no one is to blame for this. Let’s say he did it on purpose. We react: “All because of you!” But does such a reaction help? If someone’s awkwardness makes us angry, we can try to cope with anger.
It’s not that hard to learn how to express your feelings in an eco-friendly way. Instead of “How do you piss me off …” you can look for a compromise, say, ask to buy the same plate. This is quite a fair compensation for defiant behavior, and it is much more effective than the usual ostentatious indignation.
Put yourself in the place of another, then it will be easier to get rid of the habit of appointing the guilty without guilt
When something pisses us off, there is always a choice – to think: maybe we go too far? Indefatigable anger overshadows the mind. An example of this is a distraught father whose child was killed in a school shooting who, in a rage, shouts to his wife: “Why didn’t you leave her at home ?!” Blaming another for not being able to predict and prevent a tragedy is absurd, but one can understand a person. This is an irrational, desperate attempt to relieve unbearable pain and “solve the problem” in such a meaningless way.
Put yourself in the place of another, then it will be easier to get rid of the habit of appointing the guilty without guilt and learn to express anger in a different way. After all, you can say: “I’m angry because I’m in pain.” If you are determined to continue in the same spirit, transfer your feelings to paper. This is our choice – not to judge hastily and promise ourselves that later, when the emotional storm subsides, we will definitely figure out who is to blame and who is responsible for everything.
The desire to improve by correcting one’s own and others’ vices is considered positive, but it is not. It comes from self-doubt. This is not so much a desire to be better than others as the fear of not being worse. In this case, we are no different from those who have no self-respect. People respect themselves not because they are sinless. They respect themselves despite their weaknesses and shortcomings. This is self-esteem, which cannot be achieved by petty and feverish striving for perfection.