Don’t call your child shy!

Five-year-old Elya came with her mother for a consultation with a psychologist. The girl looks at the floor, without raising her eyes, does not answer the “Hello” addressed to her. Once in the office, she turns her back on the psychologist and cuddles up to her mother. “You see,” she says, sighing, “she is so shy!”

«Shy»… Hearing this word, Elya pulls her head even more into her shoulders. The psychologist addresses her: “It must be hard when everyone around you constantly says that you are shy. I don’t know how you feel about it, but it often hurts children when people say that about them. And they are even ashamed of it…”

Elya looks up for a moment, no doubt because she’s been spoken to about something that hurts. Her mother is surprised. Of course, she knows that her daughter feels uncomfortable, but is it an exaggeration to say that she is in pain?

Deceptive characteristic

“Mom’s surprise is natural, because “shy”, like “lazy”, “irritable”, “nervous”, is one of the many words that we say to children every day, says child psychoanalyst Natalya Bogdanova, considering them harmless characteristics, which only reflect the behavior of the child. And it’s hard to believe that children perceive them differently.”

For them, our words are like a diagnosis that you can’t argue with, so the child begins to perceive, like eye or hair color, shyness as an integral and not the best part of his nature.

“From a noisy, quick-tempered, pugnacious child, parents expect him to change, “stop being like that.” And from the shy one — that this quality will only become less noticeable: «Well, make an effort on yourself, come up to the children», «Say hello to your aunt.» Indeed, deep down they are convinced that shyness cannot be overcome completely, ”continues Natalia Bogdanova.

Such a not always conscious conviction of the parents puts a heavy burden on the child also because adults often begin to treat him as if he is unhealthy.

“They become his guides and manage all the events of his life so that he feels even more insecure and even more afraid of contact with other people,” explains child psychiatrist Natalya Kirillina.

“During the holidays, we were going to send him to the camp with his classmates, but he was so afraid to go, he cried that I gave in,” says the mother of 10-year-old Volodya. Parents protected their son from experiencing anxiety and fear of communication.

“But this temporary relief will cost him dearly,” says Natalia Bogdanova. “Because he perceives the condescension of his parents as proof that adults, just like himself, consider his fears insurmountable. Parents behave as if the child is sick or has some kind of disability that prevents him from leading a normal life. And he identifies with this image of himself.

As a result, he feels more and more unarmed in the face of life’s difficulties, becoming stronger in the thought of the danger of the world around him: «They do not let me go away from myself — it means they know that it is really dangerous outside.»

Complex symptom

Uncertainty, quiet voice, caution, fear… Tension throughout the body, increased heart rate, increased blood pressure, discomfort in the abdomen, increased sweating, flushing on the face — these are the most common symptoms of shyness, both in adults and in children.

“Shyness is an internal position of a person that involves too much attention to what others think of him,” writes American psychologist Philip Zimbardo, a specialist in the study of the phenomenon of shyness. “As a result, he prefers to remain in the background, avoiding interactions with people that could potentially draw attention to his person.”

Many children, like Elya, are captured by their own fears that prevent them from developing, communicating and feeling happy. “Their natural restraint is shown so clearly and completely because almost any situation is perceived by the child as new and unusual,” Philip Zimbardo clarifies.

“A shy child really suffers,” says Natalia Bogdanova. — He does not know how to behave in a new place, he cannot talk to strangers, he does not know how to win the favor of his peers. At such moments, his level of anxiety rises, all his abilities and skills are blocked. It’s a painful state.»

What is behind these symptoms? Shyness is associated with three main dimensions of human life.

An image of yourself. Shyness goes hand in hand with low self-esteem. A shy child feels not interesting enough for others and unworthy of their attention to easily enter into communication.

The image of another. The child does not dare to make face-to-face contact with another person, because he perceives that person as frightening or even dangerous.

Interaction with other people. Shyness is social in nature: it occurs only where two people come into contact — and instead of joy, communication causes anxiety and fear.

Meanwhile, all these difficulties are not inherent in a child by nature, from birth, which means that we can help him cope with them.

The origins of shyness

“Shyness as a character trait is not inherited,” says Natalya Kirillina, “an increased sensitivity of the nervous system is inherited. But, of course, children who are emotionally vulnerable, fearful, susceptible to the influence of external factors are more at risk of becoming shy.”

“For them, the atmosphere in the family and the style of upbringing are especially important,” agrees Natalia Bogdanova. — Often a child with an unstable nervous system has an anxious mother who, constantly worrying about him, does not allow him to gain self-confidence. The life experience of the child in this case is more important than his temperament.

But the idea that the child receives about himself from the experience of communicating with others, and the belief in his value as a person, is not set initially. They build up gradually due to several factors.

“Believing in yourself, being proud of yourself is easier for those whose parents believe in themselves,” says Natalya Kirillina. “It is no coincidence that often at least one parent of a timid and shy child is also shy.”

In addition, children need to feel how their parents perceive them, to feel that they are a source of joy for them — this feeling becomes their narcissistic capital for life. And of course, in order to be self-confident, you need to know that you are capable of something — nothing will work without it. And you can understand your capabilities only if you have a chance to apply them — and succeed.

small victories

Self-confidence comes from daily victories, big and small. These can be victories over oneself (over one’s fears, over the desire to quit everything when something doesn’t work out), and over things (buttons that he finally managed to fasten, laces that didn’t want to tie).

“Parents should find as many activities as possible in which the child can succeed,” advises Natalya Bogdanova. “He needs to get a lot of experience of success – no matter what areas, and the more such areas, the better.”

“We are more inclined to talk about the shortcomings and failures of our own or the child,” adds Natalia Kirillina. “But it is important, on the contrary, to celebrate his successes and achievements, even if they are very small.”

If a child is overprotected, he constantly feels powerless and devalued. These feelings complicate his relationship with other children, because he feels worse than them, insolvent, not like everyone else.

“They also complicate his relationships with adults,” adds Natalya Bogdanova. “Adults who do everything for him appear to him as beings of a higher order, endowed with magical abilities, which, as he is sure, he will never have.”

By developing the independence of the child, we give him the opportunity to believe in himself and not be afraid of others.

Life Guide

Shyness may be the result of a first bad experience with other children. But he can master the art of communication only with the help of adults.

“Tell him why and why the children push each other, pull each other’s hair, take away toys,” says Natalia Bogdanova. — Teach to understand (and this is difficult!) that the other is the other. That he has his own way of living, his own tastes and desires, which must be accepted and endured … Our task is to provide him with practical guidance for life in society.

Children need parents to explain to them the difficulties they are experiencing and show them that there is nothing dramatic about it. Four-year-old Katya said she would never go to kindergarten again because two girls refused to play with her and threw her favorite doll behind the closet. Of course, the mother tried to comfort her daughter and returned the doll. But adults are not always ready to appreciate how much the experience of resentment and the feeling of rejection can affect the child’s later life.

“Why go back to this story, it’s already in the past! Katya’s mom says. “I tried to distract my daughter from what upset her so much.”

“Most parents are ready to help a child in an unpleasant situation, but they prefer to quickly forget about it without discussing what exactly happened,” Natalya Bogdanova comments. “But without this, the child’s memory of the traumatic episode will be overgrown with new experiences.”

Later, in a calm atmosphere, return to what the child experienced, explain to him that now he sees the world as this episode showed him (unfriendly, aggressive …). It is important to try together to understand what the child himself felt, and what another participant in the conflict could feel at that time — why the offender acted this way and not otherwise. So the child will learn to understand others — after all, shy children are often so absorbed in themselves and their anxiety that they do not feel the mood of others.

“In addition, the event that happened to him seems absolutely exceptional to the child,” continues Natalia Bogdanova. “Our task is to explain that there is nothing out of the ordinary in this, that his feelings about this are natural: not only children, but also adults sometimes get upset, cry and get angry at the whole world when they feel unfairly offended.”

Doctor, is it curable?

Shyness is a complex symptom, but it is not a disease. And of course, it needs to be taken seriously and help the child as quickly as possible, before communication difficulties become part of his identity: «I’m shy.» How can you help him? Try to understand what he is afraid of and why.

If parents are unable to do this work on their own, it is worth seeking help from a psychotherapist. How do you know when it’s time to see a specialist?

“The main criterion is whether his shyness interferes with the child, whether it extends to all aspects of his life,” explains Natalia Kirillina. “If he has obvious difficulties in communication, if he finds it difficult to answer in the classroom and parents see that he feels unsuccessful and cannot cope with this, then the child certainly needs help.”

The therapist will take the parents along with the child and together with them will look for the origins of violations. If the point is in the position of the parents — for example, it is difficult for them to give the child enough independence — the therapist will help them understand themselves better, change. This kind of work with the child and both parents is often enough to overcome shyness.

And if this is not the case, if the child is suffering too much, therapy may be offered to him in addition to working with his parents. Thanks to this, he will be able to express those fears that keep him captive, and again feel the taste for life.