Parental mistakes can affect a child’s entire life. However, abused children should realize that the future depends only on them, and that they themselves have a significant influence on the emotional development of their own descendants.
Many people envy Mateusz. A vintage car, your own company, a cover girl and albums full of photos from holidays in remote corners of the world. If Mateusz had friends, they would know that there is nothing to be jealous of, because this “lucky” person is deeply unhappy at heart. However, friends cannot notice this because Matthew does not have them. He is incapable of developing close relationships with people. When he feels very frustrated about it, he calls his mother. Sometimes she drops the call before her phone rings. Sometimes he brings himself to a conversation and says again, “it’s your fault.”
Toxic parents
The book by the American psychotherapist, Suzan Forward, reached the top of the New York Times bestseller list. Forward described the relationship between parents and children whose children come out crippled and often unaware that something so important has been taken away from them that it casts a shadow over their current relationships with people. Thousands of readers discovered their own experiences in the descriptions. For some, the book has given them the key to understanding their behavior and the ability to change relationships with both parents and partners. For others, it freed themselves of the guilt for failures. Instead of using the knowledge to make changes, they contented themselves with… transferring the guilt to the parents. Although Forward placed a strong emphasis on taking responsibility for oneself after analyzing the toxic relationship and working to free themselves from childhood baggage, some never took the second step.
Mateusz claims he knows what made him emotionally crippled. When he was one year old, his mother separated from his father. When he was four, she moved out from her stepfather. “Dads” changed in his life like the seasons of the year. He played football with them and went skiing, but he didn’t get attached because he knew they would quickly disappear from his mother’s life. He rarely saw her alone. She left him with random babysitters. She needed time for more men. She often had to run away from them, so they moved before the boy could find himself in his new environment.
Mateusz explains that the lack of warmth and security meant that as an adult he cannot love anyone. He feels sexual attraction, but no woman touches him enough to want a permanent relationship with her. Even attractive partners cheat, lamenting that they behave immaturely. Sometimes he would like to complain to a friend. Can not. Most of the conversations bore him. When topics become more personal, on the one hand, Matthew feels an interest and, on the other, a strong need to be elsewhere.
He did not forgive my mother. He is embarrassed that he yells at her sometimes, but his irritation is unstoppable. He would like her to explain, apologize, disenchant evil, but she can only cry. He would like to send her to therapy so that she can learn to talk about her feelings.
Toxic children
Aurelia grew up in Podhale in a very religious family. Her room was decorated with six holy pictures. Once her father beat her because she couldn’t learn the Ten Commandments. She was 6 years old at the time. As a teenager, she had no social life, her parents saw her as a future nun. Nobody knew he had his own plan. As soon as she reached the age of majority, she moved to Krakow. She didn’t even write a postcard to her parents. She began to live, finally dating men. Perhaps because she had no experience, she chose the wrong ones. She did not find happiness in their arms. She could never talk about what she wanted, what was bothering her, what she would change. She wasn’t used to talking, just listening. When she felt uncomfortable in the relationship, she left without a word. Sometimes lovers were looking for her, they wanted to convince her to come back. She was running from one end of Poland to the other.
Maybe if she wasn’t pretty, she would have had less trouble. Maybe if her parents were different, life would be more bright. Perhaps, if it were not for the family tradition that one daughter is dedicated to God, she would not have hurt Mateusz. The harm she did to her son hurts her more today than her own past. Once, Mateusz made her realize that she had never really freed herself from her parents. Although she had run away all her life, at each stage it was their shadow that determined her actions. Everything just got easier since she understood it. She currently lives with a man who, like her, doesn’t like to talk much and has been through too much to pick on details. She has returned to the bosom of the Church, prayer brings her peace. She often prays for her son to forgive her.
She knows why she made mistakes and can see how it affected her child. So what if it’s too late for changes? Today he is even afraid of meeting his son, but he treats it as a kind of penance. He can’t help him. If you could live your life again …
Take the helm
For parental mistakes to affect a child’s entire life, it takes more than bad experiences. The child, as an adult and aware of his past, must allow this. Since an individual once abused by their parents, be it lack of attention and affection, or beating or over-demanding, gains autonomy, it is mostly up to them who they will be and how they will deal with the past. Traumatic experiences should be neither an excuse nor a tool in the fight against parents. The past is important, it is worth remembering. However, as it becomes more important than the present and the future, the rudder of life slips out of hand.
Rarely does a person with toxic parents manage to get rid of past baggage by an act of will. It is not enough to say, “I will be better than my parents, I will never hurt my partner or my child.” The past likes to come back. Of course, a furious child does not have to become a madman, but he may, for example, become associated with a madman or obsessively avoid showing bad emotions.
In order to deal with the past, it is most often necessary to analyze it, think about how given events shaped the personality, and what kind of emotions arose. The questions of an experienced psychologist can help a lot in these trips to the past. Observations must be confronted with the present. Do childhood experiences affect today and how? Which of our reactions in the context of current events seem inadequate because they are rooted in fears from the past? What do our loved ones feel? What can we improve? How to better communicate emotions? How to let the people around us understand, why these “inadequate behaviors” came from and that they should not blame themselves for it?
Talking to your parents may help, but is not necessary. It is not always possible to understand their actions, let alone forgive or obtain an apology. Many parents find it too difficult to talk about the past.
The past cannot be changed, but the present can be changed. A parent who feels guilty about a child who suffers from childhood baggage is not completely helpless. When he feels guilty, he can apologize and explain his reasons. If Matthew learns the history of Aurelia, it will be easier for him to understand that the mother’s actions were driven by the need to find autonomy. He has the right to blame her for making his childhood unstable, just as his partners have the right to accuse him of being unfaithful. Matthew’s infidelity is not the fault of his mother, just as Aurelia’s educational mistakes towards her son are not the fault of her parents. They both need to realize that they are the only ones responsible for mistakes made in adulthood. Aurelia, accepting her son’s complaints with humility, does not help him, but only confirms the erroneous belief that he can blame her.
The best that a “toxic parent” can do for an adult child is to be present in his / her life and avoid past mistakes. It is important to show interest, acceptance and affection.
Text: Sylwia Skorstad
Source: Let’s live longer