Don’t be afraid to fight!

Psychologies: Why are we afraid of conflict?

Andrew Koenig: Our fear has only one reason: conflict is associated with negative feelings. This is getting out of your comfort zone. We don’t like to leave it, it seems destructive. And since modern man does not have a culture of being in these destructive processes, he strives to be in comfort all the time and runs away from conflict.

But many people associate conflict with violence, scandals, shame…

The conflict does not mean hysteria, shouting and showdown. This is a confrontation that is beneficial to all its parties. Everyone should practice this form of relationship from time to time. If someone violates your interests, you need to launch a confrontation. There are people who are conflict-free, trouble-free, who agree with everything. But they are the most traumatized: they do not have their own territory, energy, because others use all this. What does it look like? The man hit his finger, hurt himself – it hurts.

Modern man is not trying to cure his finger, he is trying to avoid pain. He starts to blow, says: “Give me pain relief,” asks when it stops hurting. That is, for him, pain is a synonym for the word “problem”. As long as there is pain, there is a problem. Actually it is not. Pain is synonymous with healing. And the conflict is the same story.

When a person becomes uncomfortable, this does not mean at all that something is going wrong. This means that he is in a conflict that requires him to behave slightly differently than in normal constructive confidential communication. This is an adaptive response. But we don’t like it, and instead of adapting to the reality around us, we often try to just stop feeling bad.

But why does conflict arise?

There are three types of situations that lead to conflict. The first is when our boundaries are violated: physical, psychological, whatever, and then we need to designate for the outside world where they pass. Literally and figuratively say: “No! You can’t go here, this is my territory!” This problem can be solved only through conflict, no other form of communication works here. The function of conflict here is to defend the boundaries.

The second situation is stagnation, when some task needs to be solved in the system, but the participants do not have enough strength and motivation for this. For example, stagnation in family relationships: partners lose interest in each other. And then the conflict can give the energy that they lack. One, for example, changes, the second eventually does not stand up and explodes. They quarrel to the nines and eventually either disperse or agree. Oddly enough, more often they still agree, and relations are refreshed.

And finally, the third option – the conflict occurs when the system needs to develop very quickly. And the fastest growth occurs in an aggressive opposing environment. If we take it on a national scale, the highest rate of development of scientific and technical potential is observed during wars. The same is true at the level of interpersonal contacts. For example, when boys grow up, they learn very quickly to fight in competition for girls or to approach teachers at school by competing for grades.

Are there conflict resolution rules?

The first thing you need is to stop being afraid of him. Secondly, one should not be afraid to spoil relations by entering into confrontation. Sometimes relationships cannot be established in any other way. We used to fight as kids to become friends later. For some reason, as adults, we forget about it. Who will need me if I am not able to indicate what I am valuable, what are my interests? Only when others begin to reckon with this, healthy relationships will arise. The third point: entering into a conflict, you need to clearly understand that you have a task that you are trying to resolve in this way. The task was solved – the conflict comes to naught. This is a healthy state of affairs. But when the parties do not understand their tasks, the conflict can drag on.

Long-term conflict is already a pathological situation. Then we spend too much energy on maintaining it, and there is no more strength left to solve the problem. Depression, psychosomatic disorders begin. Another typical variant is “couch-TV disease”, when a person is “nailed” to the sofa and TV and he says that he doesn’t need anything else in life. It is almost impossible to get out of this state on your own.

A respectful attitude towards the other side is not required?

And what do you mean – respect for a person or for his point of view? These are different things. You can respect a person or not, but there can be no respect for someone else’s point of view in a conflict. After all, what is respect? It means assigning high value. Conflict communication just assumes that we stop assigning high value to someone else’s point of view. We fight her. If we begin to proceed from the interests of the other side in a conflict, we will always lose. The beauty of conflict is that it allows us to give back value to our own point of view. When we realize what is important for ourselves, we agree an order of magnitude faster than if we stand on ceremony and try to agree amicably.

Does this even apply to close relationships?

Certainly. Crises are inevitable. For example, any couple has a crisis of the first year of marriage, due to the accumulation of differences. No matter how well the partners treat each other, no matter how they adjust, after about a year the stage of confrontation begins. Because they have become closer and, accordingly, hurt each other more often. And precisely in order to form a more careful attitude towards each other, they need to set boundaries: this is how uncomfortable I am, this is unpleasant. Throughout family life, partners go through crisis points and regulate relationships through conflict.

But we usually teach children to solve problems peacefully. So we teach them to suppress conflicts?

If the parents tell the child not to show negative emotions, he is taught not to suppress the conflict as such, but that conflict in this form is unacceptable in this family. And children are looking for other options – they learn to make trouble for someone on the sly, to cheat … That is, by forbidding them some forms of conflict, we teach them to develop others. In fact, conflict is necessary for the child to learn to say no. How will he do it if he does not stand up for himself? Therefore, his conflicts with other children, with teachers and in general with the adult world are normal. In addition, children often come into conflict only to show that they are, their opinion is valuable. It is important for them to make sure that at least someone takes them into account. There are periods when children especially need it: at 5-7 years old, in adolescence. I would recommend that parents remember this and at least sometimes lose the child in disputes.