Don’t be afraid of loneliness

“I am afraid of loneliness and therefore, by all means, I will get married.” “I am afraid of loneliness and therefore I will not push a single birthday with a full gathering of guests.” “I will be where everyone is, even if it’s never interesting there. I will teach my children to spend every single holiday with me — am I cooking in vain?

There are many options, but there is only one question: what are we really afraid of?

How what? Yes, we are simply intimidated by the countless agents of this very loneliness. They follow us all the way. Did your parents leave you at home alone? Woe. I parted with my beloved — airless space. Loved ones leave — learn to live without insurance, you are next.

We know everything about loneliness. How sad, irreplaceable and dangerous it is. One thing we don’t know is how tame it is! One day I watched my dear friend swim in the sea. It looked like a movie. Wild coast. The sea is worried — time. Not a soul around — two. A friend in what her mother gave birth is floating somewhere to the horizon, and unkind waves are falling at my feet.

I’m standing on the shore. I’m worried — how else? Fifteen minutes later, when I no longer know what to think, my friend returns. Aphrodite. Well, I say, is it not scary (read: not ashamed) for you like this alone on the high seas? A friend suddenly thought — she is actually an excellent swimmer. It’s scary, he says, if I were all alone. That is, no one on the beach. And when you know what is waiting for you, then it’s not scary.

Today I realized that this is a great metaphor for loneliness. It is good to sail alone, travel alone, even live alone — with one condition. If you know for sure that someone is waiting for you on the shore.

Actually, we evaluate any critical state of ours in the same way. It’s good to work until you lose your pulse — knowing that you will hand over the project right now and you can relax. It’s good not to sleep at night with a baby, knowing that in a year he will enter the desired mode and the joys of motherhood will come through. It’s good to spend a season without electricity and water, knowing that you have the keys to a city apartment in your backpack.

And only loneliness taken out of this paradigm seems to us a completely irreversible state, and woe to those who cannot avoid it. In other words, it is not solitude (temporary and controlled) that is scary, but something that we supposedly are not able to influence.

Man is a fragile, sudden and contradictory creature. Either he wants the whole bunch with an overnight stay side by side, otherwise give him a skete in the rock, and so that not a human voice within a radius of five kilometers. Both are, of course, extreme. But it is believed that you can escape from the crowd. And loneliness will cover you one day with a copper basin.

Meanwhile, loneliness is built into us like kitchen appliances. We come into this world alone and we will leave, most likely, in the same composition. Everything that more or less distracts you from this thought is welcome. This will become your biography. Including fellow travelers, connections, relationships, Facebook (an extremist organization banned in Russia) — the whole great dance, not for a minute leaving us alone with mortal thoughts. Glory to him. Without it, we would be completely unwilling to live.

After all, God forbid, we will have to decide on our own why we were born and what we will leave behind. And this is oh so difficult when “there is no one to talk about life with, not to mention death” (watch your favorite movie “There is no ford in the fire”).

That is, all this is organized from beginning to end so as not to think about a civil memorial service? Exactly. As soon as the proportion of silence exceeds the usual norm, a person becomes uncomfortable. But not everyone.

There are people who have accepted the idea of ​​the finiteness of being ahead of time and generously. Timely, so to speak, adopted this idea. This allows them to live in peace, without «unnecessary friendships», in some circles they are known as wise men, in others as idiots, but by and large they are envied here and there — no doubt.

I have several relatives who are single on our scale. Their life cannot be called absolutely happy (mainly due to age-related ailments). I sympathize with them very much — but I cannot deny them the courage of their own choice. They once decided for themselves that a family or a companion is a troublesome thing. Or that children have their own lives, I have mine. Or that communication with their own kind is tiring. I’m sure they never regretted it.

Loneliness is quite comfortable and energy-saving thing. There are costs — but where are they not? But how we save on compromises! Loneliness, the joke goes, is when you don’t even get spam. Do you write to someone yourself? Saying «I’m afraid of being alone» is like saying «I’m afraid of a messy closet.» So stack things up!

Loneliness is not a natural disaster, but a condition that we deliberately invoke or dismiss in our scripts. Are there food in the refrigerator? There will be dinner if you cook it. And it will not — if you do not cook. We have everything to not feel lonely. Like everything else in order to enjoy loneliness.

Loneliness is a priceless opportunity

Tatyana Yazykova, psychologist, candidate of psychological sciences

“Even Jean-Paul Sartre said that “a man is his choice.” Loneliness is no exception. Lonely people are divided into two categories: those who have chosen loneliness consciously and unconsciously. The key word is «chosen».

The first, of course, are in harmony with themselves. For example, adults who have lost their loved ones for some reason and do not want to bring others closer to them. The latter, on the level of consciousness, whine about their loneliness, curse him in every possible way, say how they would like to meet someone … But on an unconscious level, they do everything to maintain themselves in this state.

They do not leave fate a single chance to even approach with possible life partners. These people unconsciously protect their loneliness with meager interests, a monotonous, regulated life and, of course, exorbitantly inflated requirements for someone who is still “lucky” to be around.

This is naturally followed by mental and emotional stinginess, the inability to enjoy simple things and share it with others. Of course, this is a limiting and destructive state.

Meanwhile, in psychology, loneliness is considered as an integral part of our life, and a person must have the courage to accept this fact.

This is an existential problem. But we do not give ourselves the trouble to solve it and often avoid the usual solitude, a state not just positive, but creative. Fear of loneliness makes people look for any superficial connections, «to distract.» This becomes a serious obstacle to personal growth.

The ability to be alone is an invaluable opportunity for comprehending life and understanding it more deeply, searching for fruitful contact with oneself, with one’s creative beginning, discovering in oneself a sense of a transcendent community with all people and the world.

Loneliness can be a wonderful resource for personal development. According to psychologist Viktor Frankl, “a person must be alone: ​​only then will he be able to notice that he is not alone and has never been alone.”