Don’t Avoid Tough Questions

Basic Ideas

• act together Common activities unite: the joint solution of problems that are important for a couple is favorable for establishing communication between partners.
• Watch from the side If you observe your own behavior and the behavior of your partner with due attention, you can understand what hinders trusting communication.
• Talk about your desires directly A sincere attitude towards oneself and another will help not to hide from problematic topics, but to discuss what really worries both.

Anna Varga – family psychotherapist, author of the book “Systemic Family Psychotherapy” (Rech, 2001).

What makes us turn a blind eye to difficulties instead of discussing them right away?

A.V.: Often we choose this tactic of behavior out of fear of misunderstanding or denial. The fact is that in any act of communication there are a lot of layers: behind any message there is a subtext, and behind it – another one. So, a wife can say to her husband: “You don’t do enough with your child.” Subtext: “You’re a bad father.” Subtext subtext: “And I’m a good mother.” To this, the husband can answer: “You still don’t let me do it.” Subtext: “You don’t know what kind of father I am because you didn’t get a chance to check it out.” Subtext subtext: “You are a bad mother.” Thus, uttering her phrase, the wife actually says: “At the moment I see myself as a good mother” – and receives a denial from her husband: “But I see you as a bad mother!” This is a blow to self-esteem. Therefore, starting a conversation, each of the spouses unconsciously waits for a painful injection and, trying to protect themselves from these experiences, comes to the conclusion that it is better to remain silent.

What to do so that the problem situation does not “freeze” in constant silence?

A.V.: It is important not only to control your feelings, but also to learn to see yourself from the outside. Some prefer not to think about their behavior, deny communication difficulties, do not discuss them, fearing that words will make them vulnerable. Such a habit turns against the partners themselves, because everything that we deny at some point floats to the surface. It is worth saying to a partner: “When we talk to each other, we always come to the same ending – let’s think about why this happens.” It is important to understand that the partner may not accept such communication, and in response, you may hear: “If it were not for you, we would have succeeded.” When it is really difficult to establish communication, you should seek the help of a specialist.

But not everyone is easy to accept this idea … How to convince your partner to come for a consultation?

A.V.: Show your own helplessness, say honestly: “it’s hard for me”, “help me”. In this case, your partner finds himself in a safe situation for himself: he goes to help you, having a guarantee that he will not be criticized. Working with a psychologist changes the style of communication, relationships in a couple. But not always close people easily accept these changes, continue to react as before. And yet, in spite of everything, it is worth continuing to behave “in a new way” – and after a while your partner will “pull up” to you.

To what extent do men and women differ from each other in the construction of a conversation?

A.V.: Women often reproach men for being, to put it mildly, laconic. But it is rather not a matter of gender differences, but of the nature of specific partners. For some of us, the manifestation of our own feelings is important (it seems that mutual understanding will not work if the partner does not pay attention to your emotional state), for others, the feeling that the outcome of the conversation depends on you. Suppose a husband and wife who jointly run a firm are debating whether or not to fire an employee. The wife tells how she feels about this, how she is annoyed and at the same time sympathizes with this person … And the husband, who wants to eventually come to a consensus, is interested in: “So are we firing him or not?” And both will be disappointed: they did not hear each other.

Do I need to tell everything about myself?

Some believe that it is better for a loved one to know everything about our life – down to the details. French family therapist Robert Neuburger warns against being too explicit: “You should not tell your partner about your sexual experience, unless it is about some serious episodes that could affect your sexual relationship with him, for example, about the cruelty of your ex. partner or rape. If there were no such problems, it is better to be careful about this topic and weigh your words: sexual relations are a delicate and fragile thing. In order not to destroy trust in a couple, you should not make random love affairs a subject of conversation. But it’s better to talk about important relationships for you that have remained in the past: this will allow you not to repeat old mistakes and understand what is of serious importance to you and your loved one.

J.S.

Is it true that men attach more importance to words, and women to intonation?

A.V.: Men use words to express their thoughts in the first place, while women are equally serious about the tone and gestures with which we accompany our speech. But at the same time, there are many women for whom the content of the conversation is most important, and men for whom it is important that their feelings be heard. As for talkativeness, it is also found among the representatives of the stronger sex: humanities men, for example, talk a lot. In general, it is very important that both partners are aware of exactly how each of them relates to communication. In order to understand the other, one should first of all start by observing both oneself and the other.

What are the most difficult questions to discuss in a couple?

A.V.: The most delicate topic, it seems to me, traditionally concerns issues related to intimate life. How to learn to discuss sexual and love relationships, how to tell your partner what you expect from him and how you feel, how to find the right words if it was not customary to discuss such topics in our own families? It is better to start a conversation with a description of your intimate feelings – although for this you will have to select words, which are not so many in Russian for this purpose.

Is there any particular tactic that will help facilitate the discussion of difficult issues for a couple?

A.V.: The conversation should be short and clear for both. It is necessary to speak about your requests directly and honestly, without going from afar. If you, for example, want your husband to go to the zoo with the child, do not start talking about whether he is a good father, but simply tell him about your desire. In response, “yes” or “no” will be heard – and this will be an understandable result for both, and not a complex emotional layering, which will be difficult to understand.

Are there any topics that should not be discussed at all?

A.V.: Some people like to complain about how they were mistreated in childhood: their father offended them, their mother rejected them… past, and he can no longer help. It is better to ask yourself: if the desire to talk about the past arises constantly, then what do I really want to tell with my stories?

Development or stagnation?

Life together opens up another world for us and allows us to change ourselves. Everyone brings their childhood into a new, adult life: the usual roles that were played in the parental family, the way of life. Long-term close relationships provide a chance to recognize these characteristics and learn new relationships. Thanks to a loved one, we become more flexible and more free. The laws, habits and oddities of our (parental) family continue to affect our partner. When two people begin to build a life together, each has at their disposal both their own experience and the experience of a partner.

How to understand whether life in a couple helps personal growth or, on the contrary, hinders the development of each? One of the main criteria is the mobility, variability of relationships, which may contain both contradictions and conflicts, which give a chance to build and learn to appreciate one’s own personality, to answer the question “Who am I?”. “Tears shed in marriage do not mean anything bad,” says Jungian analyst Stanislav Raevsky. There are many things in the world that we need to cry over. The inner tragedy is rather manifested in the fact that a person cannot cry – he has no emotions, he does not feel either himself or the other, as if there is glass between them. The real sign of stagnation in a marriage is the complete lack of feeling that comes as a result of living together. It is a poor ally for the development of personality.”

Vita Malygina

A lot of modern couples often talk about everyday topics, heart-to-heart conversations rarely happen …

A.V.: I don’t see anything wrong with everyday conversations and I’m not at all sure that a good, stable relationship in a couple is necessarily associated with an active dialogue. If partners feel comfortable with each other: they walk together, hug, watch TV, they don’t have to talk at the same time. There are people for whom togetherness is not about talking, but about doing. They, for example, came to a restaurant together – and this is already an action, a joint experience that brings them together more than conversations.

But what if it is enough for one partner to go through such a joint experience, but the other needs a conversation?

A.V.: This happens quite often: a wife, for example, cannot live a minute without communication, and it weighs her husband. One married couple who came to me for a consultation showed this difference very clearly: he could sit all evening in the company of friends and not say a word, and she, if she had something to tell her husband, could not wait until he comes out of the bathroom, and started yelling at him through the door. Such marriages are not a drama, they just look like the union of a bird and a fish, who just need to learn to understand each other. That couple succeeded: the wife learned to get a joint non-verbal experience, and the husband learned to listen to her without getting annoyed and even sometimes … speak on his own!

How important is the ability to listen to each other for living together?

A.V.: Without it, communication will not work: instead of a dialogue, two monologues will sound. Finding out how much you know how to listen to each other is simple: if a person remembers his own words better than the words of a partner, this is a sign that people are exchanging monologues. I offer my clients various exercises: for example, I ask one of the partners to talk about things that are important to him for two minutes, and the second to repeat the information and ask if he understood it correctly. Then the spouses change places. This exercise is very useful for building family relationships – you can repeat it at home to better understand your partner and become closer to each other.

Have a question?

• Society of Family Counselors and Psychotherapists, tel. (495) 517 7524, www.supporter.ru
• Center for Narrative Psychology and Practice, tel. (8 916) 730 1865, www.narrative.ru