We do not have to be afraid to state our position: it is a way to build our own boundaries and let the other person know exactly where they are.
Psychologies: Why are we afraid of open clashes?
Dominik Pikar: Because we associate them with violence or breakup. We often see life in black and white: «everything is good» or «everything is bad.» With this approach, conflict is when “everything is bad”, it symbolizes collapse, although in reality everything is not so simple. And we don’t want to provoke clarifications of who is right and who is wrong with our disagreement, refusal, different opinion, reminder of our rights…
Where do these fears come from?
DP: These are rather archaic fears. Deciding to confront someone means taking the risk of breaking off relationships: love, friendship, professional. This goes against our childhood need for security. When we were little, any parting meant danger for us: orphanhood, a sense of our own insignificance, even the risk of death. But this is not the only thing: our upbringing taught us that any confrontation is evil, that life together is built only on tolerance and the ability to negotiate. These ideals are necessary, but clashes and conflicts must be returned to their proper place. In any relationship, there are moments of tension, they are inevitable and necessary.
So avoiding conflict all the time can backfire? What exactly?
DP: We become unreal. There is a lie, a pretense. I don’t allow the real me to live in this relationship. And with this I deceive my partner. And if I live in a fake relationship, it affects me too. Compare: when we are in love, we cannot separate ourselves from our love, it becomes a part of us. To save this important, genuine part of the relationship, and therefore yourself, you need to agree to an open conflict. Yes, this may end in a breakup, but relationships are not there to stay in them at any cost. It is very important to understand what we can change in ourselves, and what we cannot and do not want to. There is a fundamental difference between how one closes (or does not close) a tube of toothpaste, and questions of faith, morality, and beliefs. It is impossible to accept what is contrary to the most important thing within us — our solid «I». Here we can only pretend and … stop being ourselves. Break down, break down as a person.
Is any truth worth telling?
DP: Any truth about myself — I am convinced of this. If you really think it and if it concerns important things. About myself, but not about the other. We do not enter into open confrontation in order to hurt another person. When they say to you: “Well, let me tell you the whole truth!” — usually this is a threat, and it is better to leave such a situation. To start a confrontation means to declare one’s position: to express one’s suffering to another and, perhaps, to discover his suffering. Paradoxically, the very first goal of confrontation is to understand yourself. And here you can find some pretty harsh things. Let’s say, «I don’t feel like having sex with you anymore.» But it may turn out that saying it is absolutely necessary for a relationship.
Is this a way to explain what is unacceptable for us, to save our «I»?
DP: Sure, but it’s also a way to understand your own limits. For example, at the beginning of a life together, we have an idealized idea of a couple. Then reality invades, and we can suddenly see that in the presence of another we do not have enough freedom, that we sometimes want to be alone. Deciding to say this means taking a risk: the other may not hear us, may refuse to accept it, may see it as a confession of dislike. But it also means affirming oneself, one’s individuality and the individuality of the other: «I am not like you, you are not like me.» In this sense, any conflict is a way to part with illusions…
Does this also apply to relationships with children?
DP: Through conflicts, the relationship between parents and children develops. By refusing to engage in conflict with children, we are doing them a disservice. If an argument breaks out, this is a healthy way to resolve the tension that has arisen: it allows children to come out of the state of fusion, to grow up. Mutual misunderstanding is as normal as mutual understanding. We are constantly changing, and not necessarily at the same speed or in the same direction. So sometimes sparks fly…
Then what are we risking by entering into open conflict?
DP: Go to unhealthy relationships from a position of strength that do not connect, but divide, destroy, and do not create. We all prefer familiar territory to unknown lands, even if we feel bad there. It is better to end such relationships. A breakup is not a failure, not a catastrophe, it’s just the end of one story.
What then is the gain?
DP: Return to your true self and authentic relationships. Throughout life, we seek recognition, we need an external eye. In relationships with others, we sharpen our personality. When we suffer, our reflection in those relationships becomes distorted. Confrontation allows you to rediscover yourself. We have a chance to move to another, better level in relationships.
Where to find the strength to fight?
DP: In the understanding that relationships do not mean that we are merged together. If we feel that the situation is painful for us, this is a sufficient reason for the conflict. When we do not have enough strength for this, there are people whose professional duty is to help us. Psychotherapists, for example. But we have to solve this problem ourselves — to get rid of the feeling of guilt, from the psychology of the victim, which is essentially self-denial. Yes, it is difficult to get rid of your own dissatisfaction. But absolutely necessary.
Artem, 29 years old, producer: “I always defend my own opinion”
“I try to always say what I think. If I disagree with colleagues or superiors, I will say so, I will try to change the situation. After all, you can remain silent as long as you like, but it will turn against us. I can argue with clients. For example, I have to organize an event and I know exactly how to do it. If the customer has a different opinion, this does not mean that I will give up my own and will not defend it. Sometimes a compromise is possible, but if I encounter incompetence, I will not go along with it. I think that today many people value good relations at work too much, they think that there is no need to speak, even if they see that a colleague is wrong. And then they complain that the whole system is vicious, although they themselves are part of the system and could change it … There was a case when, due to a conflict with the authorities, I had to quit. But as a result, everything turned out very well: I found a job that I had long dreamed of. It was a completely different experience — a big company with serious conditions and requirements. By the way, it was there that I realized that a firm position is important, but you can’t be a maximalist … The worst thing for me would be to realize one day that I’m not doing what I like. This is also a principle — do not exchange. Be sincere, even if you are wrong. And do not compromise with yourself — otherwise you just stop respecting yourself.
Recorded by Yu.V.