Why are you running boy?
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Many mothers are afraid to start being demanding with their children: «I’m afraid that if I start talking to him strictly, demandingly, I will lose contact with him, he will stop listening to me and run away.» The fears are understandable, but it would be more accurate to formulate them differently: not impersonally, not “contact will be lost”, but “a child dissatisfied with the strictness of the mother will begin to behave in such a way that the mother sees the lack of contact and feels guilty for it.”
In fact, if a child suddenly starts running away from mom or stops talking to dad, feigning resentment, parents may not have anything to do with this situation. Moms, do not take everything upon yourself, you never know what happens besides you? Perhaps your child suddenly saw that Vaska began to run away from his mother in kindergarten, and his mother ran after him so funny … He wondered if his mother would also run? Similarly, he saw how Verka was offended by dad, and dad promised to take her to the circus. “But I also want to go to the circus, maybe I should be offended by something with dad?”
Contact is not something that happens by itself, contact is established by the activity of two people, by the actions of mom (dad) and the child. And the contact is destroyed not by itself, but when someone — a mother or a child — decides to stop it. The child stopped him — this is his personal responsibility, you can talk to him about this and you can ask him for it. And if the child knows what parents are and that his mother needs to be obeyed, then you can and should ask him in plain text not to leave the contact, directly ask him to restore the contact. And this can be said, if necessary, just as strictly as all other things.
Another thing is that often the mother does not have power over the child, and then, in such a family, the child commands. In this case, when the mother has become strict, he expresses his displeasure to her and stops communicating with her. Like «I’m not playing with you anymore!» To prevent this from happening, make sure that you, as parents, have authority, so that you, and not the child, are the elders in the family. Set yourself such a task and do it, it’s real.
If you are the eldest in the family, the child obeys you. When you call him, he comes to you, and when you tell him reasonable things, he listens to you — and does what you asked him to do. Further, everything is simple: if the child suddenly broke off contact with you, then you just need to call him and explain how to behave correctly in communication with parents. You need to introduce the child to the format and explain how to behave. “When mom talks to you, you don’t run away from her and listen to her.”
Important — an increase in exactingness can go against the background of an increase in the interest of parents for a child. Parents, make sure that you are interesting for the child: lively, emotional, joyful, open. Play more, tell more interesting things, and then the child will calmly react to the fact that the exactingness is also intensifying. Usually they run away when there are many demands and little warmth, interest and joy. The ratio of exactingness and joy in communicating with you should be (optimally) “one to seven”, at least the number of comments and requirements should be less than the amount of pleasure and joy.
Demand is needed. If parents do not acquaint their children with what demands and exactingness are, children are not ready for the demands of adulthood. Combined with caring, reasonable exactingness of parents works to increase their authority, gives them the opportunity to fulfill their duties as parents. On the other hand, the authority of parents disappears when parents, by their undemanding attitude, teach children that elders can be disregarded.
The exactingness of parents to children is not the right of the strong, but the duty of the elder.
Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov
Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.